3 ms·

Very nice read. I used to be a particularly shy person, but the difference between shyness and being anti-social in general, is that a shy person _wants_ to con

by exergy 10y ago

Very nice read. I used to be a particularly shy person, but the difference between shyness and being anti-social in general, is that a shy person _wants_ to connect to others, but is afraid of the outcome of attempting to do so. This is why, I think, shyness cures itself as we move through life (for many if not most people). We come to realise that a) we don't matter as much as we think to the other person, and b) sharing our thoughts and feelings helps other people connect to us. Small aside: I like the idea that natural selection would encourage a variety of personalities in a social species, rather than uniform, homogeneous super-beings, so that different sections would be competent at different task, leading therefore to the collective improvement of the whole.

coroxout 10y ago
I like the last paragraph of the review, presumably quoted from the conclusion of the book, which I'll look out for. I think if shyness does not cure itself with age it can harden into "being anti-social", as with the quotes from Alfred Wainwright in this review/book. However, I disagree with the reviewer that this is necessarily a distinct condition from shyness; IME it can be a shyness that has become so resigned to avoiding social discomfort that the owner no longer recognises wanting to connect, or no longer believes that meaningful connection is a possible result of social interaction anyway so why try. (Too personal admission: at least, to some extent I see this happening to me, and perhaps I should try to fight it, with the author's conclusion in mind)
nf05papsjfVbc 10y ago
Do you mean 'asocial' or 'anti-social'?
- exergy 10y ago
  You're right. I meant asocial.
hibikir 10y ago
>This is why, I think, shyness cures itself as we move through life (for many if not most people). We come to realise that a) we don't matter as much as we think to the other person, and b) sharing our thoughts and feelings helps other people connect to us. That depends heavily on how much you think and feel like the people around you. While it's true that for most people your conclusions are correct, for others it has the opposite effect. If your thought and feelings are significantly different from those of the people around you, the result is utter rejection, not connection. This could still be a good idea if you have the means to move around until you find others that are like you, but it's a very bad road for those who don't. At that point though, it's not shyness, but being reserved because they know society would reject them. See homosexuals in conservative societies, being conservative in some SV companies, having very different religious beliefs from those around you, and so on. This is why I'd say that shyness is the delta between how someone thinks their openness will be perceived by the average stranger vs reality. If most people would find you essentially likable, you are shy. If instead you would be looked down upon, rejected, or feared, you are not shy: you just know you live in enemy territory. This means why we can approach shyness with reason. My son, 7, is extremely shy: He is a good person and very good looking, so we work on getting him to realize that he just doesn't have bad interactions when he is open with strangers: His radar is just not accurate, and we just get to slowly teach him how far off his predictions are. I am not that fortunate, and yet , I realize that still, I am lucky because I can appear to be shy. There are people that are rejected for something that they can't hide, like skin color, a speech impediment, or a major physical deformity. We can't say that someone that wants to avoid an area because they would get attention by the police just by their looks is just shy.

by exergy 10y ago

coroxout 10y ago

I like the last paragraph of the review, presumably quoted from the conclusion of the book, which I'll look out for. I think if shyness does not cure itself with age it can harden into "being anti-social", as with the quotes from Alfred Wainwright in this review/book. However, I disagree with the reviewer that this is necessarily a distinct condition from shyness; IME it can be a shyness that has become so resigned to avoiding social discomfort that the owner no longer recognises wanting to connect, or no longer believes that meaningful connection is a possible result of social interaction anyway so why try. (Too personal admission: at least, to some extent I see this happening to me, and perhaps I should try to fight it, with the author's conclusion in mind)

nf05papsjfVbc 10y ago

Do you mean 'asocial' or 'anti-social'?

exergy 10y ago
You're right. I meant asocial.

hibikir 10y ago

>This is why, I think, shyness cures itself as we move through life (for many if not most people). We come to realise that a) we don't matter as much as we think to the other person, and b) sharing our thoughts and feelings helps other people connect to us. That depends heavily on how much you think and feel like the people around you. While it's true that for most people your conclusions are correct, for others it has the opposite effect. If your thought and feelings are significantly different from those of the people around you, the result is utter rejection, not connection. This could still be a good idea if you have the means to move around until you find others that are like you, but it's a very bad road for those who don't. At that point though, it's not shyness, but being reserved because they know society would reject them. See homosexuals in conservative societies, being conservative in some SV companies, having very different religious beliefs from those around you, and so on. This is why I'd say that shyness is the delta between how someone thinks their openness will be perceived by the average stranger vs reality. If most people would find you essentially likable, you are shy. If instead you would be looked down upon, rejected, or feared, you are not shy: you just know you live in enemy territory. This means why we can approach shyness with reason. My son, 7, is extremely shy: He is a good person and very good looking, so we work on getting him to realize that he just doesn't have bad interactions when he is open with strangers: His radar is just not accurate, and we just get to slowly teach him how far off his predictions are. I am not that fortunate, and yet , I realize that still, I am lucky because I can appear to be shy. There are people that are rejected for something that they can't hide, like skin color, a speech impediment, or a major physical deformity. We can't say that someone that wants to avoid an area because they would get attention by the police just by their looks is just shy.