Give up on software, go Chromebook. Give up on files too, give up on being able to browse the LAN, only use things that are a web application of some sort. Tha

Give up on software, go Chromebook. Give up on files too, give up on being able to browse the LAN, only use things that are a web application of some sort. That might be too hard, but, if the cloud paradigm is totally unrealistic, then you do get an escape key plus you can run an LTS version of Ubuntu in a browser tab. Here you can run a dev stack, do work in real spreadsheets and run terminal windows for vi. Okay, no Adobe or other professional software but you do have Android apps. There are two options for Chromebook hardware. Much like how there is 0, 1 and infinity with everything pretty much in-between, for maximum Chromebook chic go for either the ultra high end Pixel or the ultra low end machines that cost less than anything else. Anything in-between is a compromise on minimalist stupidity. The bargain Chromebooks are designed for 9 year old kids and seem not to contain things like CPUs, RAM or other storagey stuff. They are indestructible and the battery lifetime is measured in days when in realistic usage, just charge them overnight once in a while. With either hardware route you can install a full cornucopia of operating systems in an Ubuntu chroot with Crouton, to have your 'Unity' desktop in a tab. Here there is an escape key for working in vi. Just for added operating system overhead and complexity you can run virtualbox in your Ubuntu chroot, then you can run Windows 10, Ubuntu and ChromeOS fully side by side. I have no idea if Hackintosh is possible on a Chromebook but that sounds like a bit too far. The Chromebooks are definitely RAM limited and ports are ancient history. However, if you go high end Chromebook Pixel LS to run the above stack then you do get the finest keyboard, 3:2 screen, aluminium case, sound system and browsing experience going. Nice hardware but a heap of operating system hacks to run useful software.