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Western culture is so obsessed about suppressing anger at all costs. Like each person is a nuclear weapon that needs to be aggressively contained or else the e
by PravlageTiem 10y ago
Western culture is so obsessed about suppressing anger at all costs. Like each person is a nuclear weapon that needs to be aggressively contained or else the entire fabric of civilization will collapse.
Anger exists for a reason and it exists for good reasons. The manifestation of anger means some model you are holding onto is no longer in sync with reality and that resynchronization costs more than your time preferences will allow. (Using the authors scenario, your expectation was for a reasonably timed phone call, not a 35 minute wait.)
It's not that anger is wrong. The anger is correct. The expectation was wrong. The West automatically assumes all instances of anger are permanently wrong, and this child-like ritual prevents one from appreciated the value of anger as a compulsion that tells you in no uncertain terms that your expectation is completely out of whack and you need to either cut your losses or resynchronize the expectation.
Anger becomes fuel for remodeling reality once you understand what is is trying to tell you. Putting taboos up around it prevents this realization, which in turn, creates people who are trained to perpetually cling to false models of reality out of fear of violating the taboo.
- sotojuan 10y agoIs that a West-only thing? My admittedly minor experience with some Japanese people is that in many settings they hide any discomfort (including outright anger) in order to not make a scene or lose face. In fact, if can pinpoint being angry in public often to any country it's the US.
- foobarian 10y agoI thought so too until I started watching Russian road rage videos (just use those terms to search on Youtube). I think Russians take the cake for uninhibited anger displays!
- sotojuan 10y agoHa, forgot about Russia. Yes, I guess they and Eastern Europe win.
- PravlageTiem 10y agoI would argue that China, Japan, Korea, and other Buddhist-heavy nations have other cultural mechanisms to prompt one to remodel reality. Buddhist teachings make it very clear the desire is the source of suffering, and this axiom weaves its way through cultural institutions and norms in these countries. If we accept this, then I would argue "anger suppression" in said countries isn't anger suppression in the Western sense ("We have to prevent the next Hitler at all costs!!!! No moar hate guise, kthx love all yaaaaay :) :) :) ") as much as it is part of an overall suppression of desire.
- ue_ 10y agoThough I am skeptical of the influence of Buddhism on suchva level (though I am a Buddhist myself), Buddhism does not have at its heart replacing the suppression of one emotion (anger) with another (desire), but rather the mere noticing of the arising and passing away of these emotions and reflecting on their traits as impermanent, unsatisfactory and not-self. Mere suppression leads to inner fementation of emotion, not release from the emotions. However I will grant that Buddhist teachings may have been mis(applied|understood|interpreted) to lead to a suppression of emotion. Let a man remove his anger. Let him root out his pride. Let him overcome all fetters of passions. No sufferings overtake him who neither clings to mind-and-body nor claims anything of the world. — Dhp., v. 221
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- partycoder 10y agoI believe that collaboration is saying what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Now, the thing is doing it in a way that reflects respect. Some people are not prepared to receive feedback, and will probably react strongly against it. It's easier to believe someone else is wrong than to accept that you are wrong. This becomes reinforced as more people support a wrong idea. It's also useful to sticks to facts, not opinions, and emphasize the problem, not the person.
- tarr11 10y agoWhat is this "West" of which you speak?
- mistermann 10y agohttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_world https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_world
- WayneBro 10y agoI don't have any evidence of this but I've read it many times that anger makes you dumb - http://www.google.com/search?q=anger+makes+you+dumb http://www.google.com/search?q=anger+makes+you+dumb
- hourislate 10y agoI don't think so. Anger is primordial trait of humanity. If it made you dumb we would not have evolved into the intelligent species we are today. I think the author of the article is confusing anger with someone being mean. He mentions don't be angry with the guy on the other end. Why not say don't be mean to the guy on the other end but let him know that your not happy/angry/upset.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- mentat 10y ago> If it made you dumb we would not have evolved into the intelligent species we are today. That is the whole argument of western civilization, that suppressing anger is what allows us to be an intelligent species.
- nickpsecurity 10y agoThe emotional and rational aspects of the brain are separate, almost competing. The first thing you learn in combat training that's worth a damn is that being hot on emotions and/or adrenaline makes you illogical. People do stuff they later said was incredibly stupid. This is also said by many perps of domestic violence where anger kept building until the urge to attack was uncontrollable. Logic just wasn't there anymore because that's not where logic comes from. We're taught to recognize we won't have as much self-control, train ourselves to avoid letting emotions control us in an encounter, spend times when we're calm to prepare for likely situations with rehearsed reactions, and defined points when we stop attacks. The combination of these, esp with repetition, lets us handle a highly stressful and illogical situation with low risk of permanent consequences. An ability almost nobody in these classes started with. Same is true in customer service, management, etc where you're dealing with stress, anger, and/or uncertainty. Same principles. The customer service people most of all since they deal all day with people saying or doing things that would piss them off. By not getting pissed, they keep customers, get paid, and keep their companies from loosing customers. So, the principle to avoid acting in anger where possible just keeps showing up with financial losses or jail time avoided many times over by following it.
- zallarak 10y agoDisagree - it's not just western culture. “Protect yourself from anger for its beginning is insanity and its end is remorse.” - Ali (Islam) "When anger rises, think of the consequences." - Confucius (Chinese Philosophy)
- seizethecheese 10y agoSurely every culture will have anti-anger norms and literature. The parent comment is claiming that in western culture we take it to an unhealthy extreme.
- sanmon3186 10y agoI am an easterner who spent a few years in USA. In the beginning, I sort of liked how people seemed in control of their emotions in situations which would make me visibly angry. No one displayed their anger/frustration to the extent I am used to. This may be anecdotal but with time I observed that deep inside they lingered these emotions more than I would do, which as you implied, is unhealthy.
- craigbaker 10y agoI don't think the Confucius quote is real, but there are a few relevant ones: "Not being angry at someone who doesn't know, isn't this a Gentleman?" 人不知而不愠，不亦君子乎？ "Ji Wenzi thought three times before acting. Confucius heard this, and said 'twice is enough'." 季文子三思而后行。子闻之曰：“再，斯可矣。” In the specific context of his student Zi Zhang asking Confucius about how to get an official salary, he responded: "Hear much and put aside the points of which you stand in doubt, while you speak cautiously at the same time of the others:—then you will afford few occasions for blame. See much and put aside the things which seem perilous, while you are cautious at the same time in carrying the others into practice:—then you will have few occasions for repentance. When one gives few occasions for blame in his words, and few occasions for repentance in his conduct, he is in the way to get emolument." (tr. Legge)
- gerbilly 10y agoAnd in buddhism anger is considered one of the three poisons, along with ignorance and greed it is considered the root of suffering. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dvesha_(Buddhism) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dvesha_(Buddhism)
- jfoutz 10y agoAnger in person can be effective and helpful. Not violence, just anger. I prefer disappointment, that I wish you had tried harder kind of feeling. Anger only has a useful effect on people with power. Being mad at a phone rep is pointless. Being mad at an enterprise sales person that you've worked with for months can change things. But they have to have some power. Never kick puppies.
- ZoF 10y agoYep, this.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- scriptman 10y agoI think displaying anger can be useful sometimes. Actually being angry isn't that useful as it usually means you've lost control of the situation.
- Natsu 10y agoThe article talks about venting anger at people who had nothing to do with the reason for your anger. In my experience, how you treat people influences how they treat you. And it's hard to treat people right when you're angry over unrelated things. Certainly, there are times when anger is justified and appropriate, but it is helpful to properly control it and not to aim it at people who are innocent bystanders.
- reddytowns 10y agoThere is something about being authentic, though, that is actually more useful then trying to hide your emotions all the time. The flip side of this is to consider the point of view of an "innocent bystander". Does someone being angry at an unrelated event hurt them? Does the person describing that event to them, angrily, hurt them, either? I think that I would trust someone more who had a range of emotion based on what has happened to them recently, than someone who always tried to show a particular "face" to everyone, regardless of their current circumstances. In that sense, always hiding your anger is actually hurting your chances of being trusted by others, which I think is one of the most valuable things other people can give you.
- dwaltrip 10y ago> I think that I would trust someone more who had a range of emotion based on what has happened to them recently, than someone who always tried to show a particular "face" to everyone, regardless of their current circumstances. Or, perhaps they managed to reduce their base anger response, and aren't actually hiding anything?
- reddytowns 10y agoThe motivation to do that is questionable. It could mean they think of everyone around them as children and feel the need to be able to handle them. It could also mean that they are constantly trying to game people into believing they feel a certain way but they actually don't. Or it could mean they were taught to do this at a young age, and it's an automatic response. In any case, it makes one look less human and more likely a manipulator, or at least concerned with the manipulation of people enough to suppress an automatic reaction.
- nickpsecurity 10y agoThe expectation was wrong and the anger was right. It's the target of the anger that's wrong. That's why self-control and kindness were the better option. Further, they're more likely to get what you want out of the situation. A situation you've already invested a lot of effort into. The rational choice is doing what works. This also prevents extra anger. It's best choice for your emotions, too, even though they won't let you see that in heat of the moment. Hence, understanding that in a non-angry moment to start making a habit out of controlling and directing anger properly. Although, I went further to not get pissed off at all as many times as I could for typical bullshit of corporations. I mentally relax, do other things, and am ready to focus the second support answers. I do something similar to what was advised. You'd be surprised how much good service I've gotten from especially Comcast but also others. There's, as author says, people that just don't give a damn. Most are happy to help and happier to be appreciated. Which is sincere on my part by the end of it so long as they put forth effort on the problem. :)
- CuriouslyC 10y agoAnger is our emotional mechanism to tap into strength and endurance reserves, while simultaneously suppressing pain. It is adaptive when you're fighting for the life of yourself or a loved one. It causes tunnel-vision, and it is not really a healthy state in general though, so it is definitely maladaptive if you aren't about to engage in some sort of physical conflict. You can recognize something is wrong, and be motivated to do something about it without getting angry, and generally things turn out better if you can avoid anger.
- namaemuta 10y agoI totally agree with you except for the part of avoiding angry. It shouldn't be avoided but redirected towards something more useful. For example it's a great fuel for lifting weights at the gym.
- saiya-jin 10y agoI would be cautious about that, there are even warnings about this approach around the web. Reason - if pissed off, you might push yourself a bit too much and risk of injury is much, much greater since your mind wants to fly (or see those barbells fly sky high), but your body is exactly same as usual, with it's weak spots. if you end up injured while trying to get some steam off, now that would piss and disappoint many. so gym yes, but I would put a bit lower weights, or go for some cardio
- namaemuta 10y agoThanks for the remark, that's totally true.
- r_smart 10y agoMost strength training programs prescribe how much weight you're going to lift on any given day. I can tell you how much I'm going to lift today, and I can tell you how much I'm going to lift on Friday. In that context the anger makes it easier to succeed, but doesn't pose much, if any threat. I'm not going to put extra weight on the bar, beyond what I was scheduled to attempt.
- friendlygrammar 10y ago>Anger exists for a reason and it exists for good reasons. Your initial premise is wrong.
- NumberCruncher 10y ago>>Anger exists for a reason and it exists for good reasons Anger originates from a time where responding with anger to a certain situation could save your life and rise the probability to reproduce. That was long ago before human reason arised. Today anger is an overkill for most of the situations we face in daily life. Fortunately we can use human reasoning to deal with this. Read the book A Guide To The Good Life: The Ancient Art Of Stoic Joy! It is a life changer. Tl,dr: you don't have to suppress it because you can eliminate it by changing yor point of view.
- RodericDay 10y agoMalcolm X embodies the power of controlled anger really well.
- ianai 10y agoDon't suppress your emotions. Feel them, acknowledge them, ask where they came from, then let them go. You don't always have to do this, of course, but it's a great thing to do with anger.
- ue_ 10y agoMindfulness is really good for situations like anger. I don't know where GP is getting his or her information regarding 'the West' from, but the aversion to anger is certainly not a solely Western trait. As a log from a pyre, burnt at both ends and fouled in the middle, serves neither for firewood in the village nor for timber in the forest, so is such a wrathful man. — Anguttara Nikaya II, 95 He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me of my property. Whosoever harbor such thoughts will never be able to still their enmity. Never indeed is hatred stilled by hatred; it will only be stilled by non-hatred — this is an eternal law. — Dhp., vv. 4-5
- adrianratnapala 10y agoAnger exists for a reason and it exists for good reasons. Anger exists in order to keep animals on top of the sometimes deadly contests that exist in the world. It can cause feuds, but it also causes us to win them. It is easy to see how the world would be better off with less anger. Harder to see how unilateral disarmement will help the individual. But even then, humans, the rational animals, have the option of cooling their heads and calculating a strategy.
- addicted 10y agoThis is funny, because most "eastern" religions are all about letting go about anger.
- inimino 10y agoYou seem to have a different theory of anger than mine, or you express it in a very different way. Which culture do you think gets this more right? If a predator attacks your child and you chase it off, isn't that anger? Is that because your model was wrong?
- PravlageTiem 10y agoYour model expects your child not to be attacked. The child was attacked. You suddenly have the energy for resynchronization so that your model can persist despite this exception.
- appleflaxen 10y agoI don't understand your mode/reaction/resynchronization point at all.
- inimino 10y agoWhat if you knew that there were predators about? I don't think all anger is about models being violated, but if you said that some or even most (in the modern world) is I might better see where you're coming from.
- dTal 10y agoDoes this vocabulary of calling our personal preferences a "model" and something we dislike a "violation of our model" actually buy us anything?
- chadnickbok 10y agoPeace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me.
- iovrthoughtthis 10y agoI find anger to be an emotion based on anxiety usually at, as you say, the failure of the environment to meet your predefined expectations. Anger is then a tool of emotional manipulation to further your need for the environment to meet your expectations. Emotionally manipulating people around you poisons your relationships with them in the long term though.
- appleflaxen 10y agoI think your statements mixes anger (how you feel) vs. your reaction/behavior when angry. Society frowns on having an adult temper tantrum (the behavior); it doesn't care, in general, how you are feeling.
- jorgeleo 10y ago"The manifestation of anger means some model you are holding onto is no longer in sync with reality and that resynchronization costs more than your time preferences will allow" A different way that I know is: Anger is a secondary feeling that we use to cover the main feeling, may it be pain, sadness, or any other. Anger is a symptom, the hidden feeling is the cause. To manage anger we need to address the hidden feeling. I agree that anger on it self is not wrong. But it is not a justification either. Hurting other people because I am angry is not ok either. And that is what the Western culture (or at least some of it) tries to address. To control the damage that the "out of sync" can produce
- hanspeter 10y agoSuppressing anger is something else. If you suppress anger, you still feel angry inside but do an effort not to express it. This is likely not healthy in the long run and I don't think this method has any substantial support. However you can remove anger by acknowledging your feelings, recognizing them as a fruitless and unnecessary state of mind and then letting go. This requires practice but when you succeed you'll see benefits in mood and likely also in stress levels and long term health. It's not about assuming that anger is wrong. It's about understanding that anger rarely has any benefits. It's also ironic that you see the Western culture as particular obsessed with suppressing anger. Our media and culture has become increasingly more angry and less inhibited the recent decades. I have the experience that people are more aggressive and ranting than ever. Just take the current presidential election as an example. We have the most hostile climate around the candidates ever and the media and the people love it.
- wwwater 10y agoWow! I love your comment! That's exactly what I think to myself. It is so stupid to suppress such a powerful source of energy for changing something in your head or/and in your life.
- fit2rule 10y ago>Anger exists for a reason and it exists for good reasons. I don't think I've ever seen someone build an apple orchard with anger, or sink a well, or construct a road between two nicely cooperating villages. Anger exists to provide homage to entropy, and that really is about it. Life, mostly though, can exist at the other end of the spectrum without much anger required.