"appear to be not-an-asshole" In some regards yes, but if you just appear like that it can only work in the short term. You really need to learn not to be, and

"appear to be not-an-asshole" In some regards yes, but if you just appear like that it can only work in the short term. You really need to learn not to be, and sadly a huge part of not being one is something programmers need to learn (I'm one myself). E.g. even if other people really are a-holes themselves it makes you one if you tell them that. In my experience though, you can get around the a-hole show stoppper also with time. If people see you are an a-hole and for some reason still continue to work with you and see you really provide value for them, then after some time they will support you (and also tell you what you need to stop doing).