Here is my perspective on some of what you have asked. I heard a great quote the other day, "don't look back, you aren't going there". Generally human beings

Here is my perspective on some of what you have asked. I heard a great quote the other day, "don't look back, you aren't going there". Generally human beings do the best they can with the info they have available at the time. Respect and accept that. Believe me, I have been in your shoes having lost my partner, soulmate and beloved wife at 37 to rectal cancer. I can only say it gets easier to carry the burden. Although there will be moments when the survivor guilt is overwhelming, try to honor their legacy and the years they were robbed of by living as fully as possible. It will benefit you and the world around you. A good therapist will help too epecially one who has a specialty in cancer related. Be well. --A fellow traveler on the grief journey.