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This article had me in tears. I grew up so poor I often didn't have shoes and wore dollar-store flip flops in the winter. Deadbeat dad, opiate addict mother. I

This article had me in tears. I grew up so poor I often didn't have shoes and wore dollar-store flip flops in the winter. Deadbeat dad, opiate addict mother. I was shuffled constantly from relative to relative, friend's house to friend's house. I had some very supportive teachers, including one who paid for my AP tests and SATs. I got an offer to a university in the UC system. Life was looking up! In the last semester of my senior year, my stepmom kicked me out of my dad's house. I shuffled back and forth between friends' houses, too embarrassed to explain the situation to an adult. I had to sleep rough a few times and got pneumonia from not having a whooping cough vaccination. I coughed so hard my ribs cracked. I missed a class where I had to turn in a midterm, my teacher wouldn't accept it late ("you kids always make up excuses"), I couldn't get a doctor's note because I hadn't been to the doctor. Welp, failed the class. The university rescinded my admission for the failed grade. I lost all my scholarships. I ended up bouncing around homeless shelters for a few months while I recovered my health. Eventually, I went to community college, transferred to a top 10 university. Now I work at Amazon as an SDE and make well over six figures. Happy ending, right? Well, no -- for years, I blamed myself for "blowing" that university opportunity. I felt horrible. I felt so ashamed.

mixmastamyk 10y ago
Well, now you can forgive yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished and will continue to.
- simplemath 10y ago
  Internalized fear of abandonment, shame, and undervaluing of self-worth... Takes years of work to undo, even after you've made it. My story is similar to the parent comment - not as severe, but close. I'm doing well now, but I suffer deeply from impostor syndrome and am constantly waiting to be fired, or cast out or sent back to the bread line, even though, rationally, I know that these are not likely, or even possible outcomes. You can't divorce yourself from your own past, no matter how high you climb or far you run to escape it.
  - cheez 10y ago
    Fuuuuck dude.. You elaborated more eloquently than I ever could have. Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27 Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless. I've been in therapy for 5 years but I've never touched this thought process yet. I think I need to.
    - allovera 10y ago
      >Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless. Exactly that. A while ago, I had to move. I just collapsed. It brought back too much about being kicked out over and over again. And yet, I can't seem to stop moving. I've lived in four states and two countries and I'm only 25. I think after being homeless so long I am just eternally homeless.
      - cheez 10y ago
        I'm forcing myself to accept that I deserve good things, so I got an amazing apartment downtown in my city that has an incredible view. The plan is to renovate this apartment and make it a home. The mentality was so bad that for the last 15 years, I didn't even have a bed. I would just sleep on the floor. Last year, by fluke, I ended up in a place where I had a regular bed. It was foreign to me. All kinds of fucked up.
      - carapace 10y ago
        Q: "What's the most important human drive?" A: "Familiarity." Sometimes you've just got to fake it til you make it. Since the real world is working okay for you now I feel this advice is appropriate. I've been there. Heck, I'm there now. I'm looking for a new apartment and I have to convince myself it's okay to rent a nice one! LOL ----- edit: I read your other post talking about PTSD and, yeah, do look into therapy. There are lots of different kinds out there. I recommend going to a few people before settling down with one or two. And even then if they're not helping, keep looking. There is a huge variability in people who hang out a shingle as therapists. Some are magic, others not so much, and it's different for each person who will be able to help them the most. Speaking from experience here. :) Good luck, God bless, and hand in there.
- allovera 10y ago
  I find the opposite - I'm deeply ashamed about growing up in poverty and rarely admit it. When it comes up, I find it creates distance between myself and my co workers. They get uncomfortable and I always feel like they think I am judging them somehow. I don't seem poor anymore: thousands of dollars on dental care, I dress OK, I have a fairly polished accent now. I don't talk to most of my family. My old friends live several thousand miles away and their world of drug abuse, poverty, and dysfunction is now one I only experience via the occasionally post I read on my Facebook feed. The PTSD remains -- the anxiety attacks in the middle of the night when I think I hear yelling, the flinching and heart palpitations when a co-worker sneaks up on me as a joke. I feel ashamed to mention this as well, because PTSD seems to have become a fashionable affliction to claim to have, like Celiac disease. I look for all intents and purposes like a normal 20something white girl. The few times I mentioned PTSD I actually saw someone eye roll. They don't know about flashbacks to homeless shelters, finding people OD'd in bathrooms, being attacked for just existing. I think the social circles I now move in have made all of this unmentionable. I am glad the author of this piece is at least bringing it up and talking about it. The isolation I feel among co workers and friends now is often very intense.
  - mixmastamyk 10y ago
    As a I mentioned above, please consider therapy. It's not perfect, but you deserve to find some happiness. There may be some groups where you can find people with similar backgrounds, such as drug-survivors (al-anon etc). Also, time may heal. I'm old enough that my unhappy adolescence now feels like a dream, even though there are some lasting effects.
  - heimatau 10y ago
    I'm with you in a lot of this. I grew up poor and all I've known is poverty. I clinch my pennies but I'm generous when I'm able. But I do have a very real awareness of my impending doom, be it a financial mishap or whatever. If it wasn't for 'Obama Care' I wouldn't be on Strattera for my ADD. Nor would've I been suggested this [1] for my anxiety, by my doctor. It's helped me significantly, a DIY assistance for coping with anxiety. I have a mild form PTSD. When you said 'flashbacks...middle of the night screaming'. It triggered an affirmation that I do have PTSD. I've been struggling with this idea for quiet some time but...it's mild and not constant. I know you're not a doctor nor do I want to get into all the details but growing up in an abusive/malnorished home, it's very real. Heck, I became homeless as an adult too. Finally, I want to gently suggest you look into getting help. Meaning, a shrink. Either doing talk therapy or consider medications, if they are truly needed. Keep in mind, it's not a black/white science. You'll need to experiment with your treatment to find what suits you best. I went on 4 different ADD meds before Strattera was a solid fit. Adderall helped but...the side effects were bad. Also, soonish, I've be working with someone to help aid my psychological restoration. ADD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and assertiveness will be my topics that I'd like to tackle because even though I'm doing decent now, I do need a helping mind to help me navigate through these issues/challenges in my life. [1] - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/160623918X/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1 https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/160623918X/ref=oh_aui_sear...
eternalban 10y ago
Have you read 'Into the Magic Shop'? [1]: http://intothemagicshop.com/ http://intothemagicshop.com/
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
rubberstamp 10y ago
I am sorry you had such a tough time. I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this. If they had money they wouldn't have turned out that way. There are only so many things you can do to make money and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you wouldn't get a job. When you have less money people are very vulnerable to being negative and become depressed. Its so hard to escape from it without proper support, which is almost non-existent in the US. Its just how the US system is. Contrast it with canada and uk or some nordic countries where there is some good social support like in healthcare. You don't have to tell others if they perceive it badly. In my experience only those who were poor can empathize with your situation. I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees.
- allovera 10y ago
  >I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this. They had plenty of money. Some people are just bad people. Sometimes these people are someone's parents. You do not know the situation and believe me, you are making a bit of an ass out of yourself. >I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees. I'm treated very well here. Amazon depends greatly on the team: mine is a very laid-back, exciting team and we do not have on call. Again, you're making an ass out of yourself.
  - rubberstamp 10y ago
    I wasn't trying to be an ass. I was just saying that poor people have it tough than people without money. As you point out, sometimes even people with money cannot get themselves out of bad choices. I refuse to believe people are born either good or bad. Its the environment people were exposed to and the will power to do the right thing even when its hard that make people good and bad. People do bad things because it takes some effort to do the right thing. Also about amazon, I wasn't trying to judge you or anything. I was just pointing put how amazon treat their low level employees like shit. Yes there are real costs to running a business. Your amazon team being great workplace for you is a good thing. Your team and the low level employees in warehouses all work for the same person, Jeff Bezos. If you were Jeff, and this came to your notice, would you actually do something about the bad working conditions of low level employees? They are humans after all and they are trying to make a living. Just because this is the only job they can do, doesn't mean they can be treated lowly. If no one reacts to it, then it will continue to be status quo(not advocating violent/rude confrontation). Agree to disagree.

mixmastamyk 10y ago

Well, now you can forgive yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished and will continue to.

simplemath 10y ago
Internalized fear of abandonment, shame, and undervaluing of self-worth... Takes years of work to undo, even after you've made it. My story is similar to the parent comment - not as severe, but close. I'm doing well now, but I suffer deeply from impostor syndrome and am constantly waiting to be fired, or cast out or sent back to the bread line, even though, rationally, I know that these are not likely, or even possible outcomes. You can't divorce yourself from your own past, no matter how high you climb or far you run to escape it.
- cheez 10y ago
  Fuuuuck dude.. You elaborated more eloquently than I ever could have. Reality: I've been making more than $200K USD since I was about 27 Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless. I've been in therapy for 5 years but I've never touched this thought process yet. I think I need to.
  - allovera 10y ago
    >Mentality: I'm one day away from being homeless. Exactly that. A while ago, I had to move. I just collapsed. It brought back too much about being kicked out over and over again. And yet, I can't seem to stop moving. I've lived in four states and two countries and I'm only 25. I think after being homeless so long I am just eternally homeless.
    - cheez 10y ago
      I'm forcing myself to accept that I deserve good things, so I got an amazing apartment downtown in my city that has an incredible view. The plan is to renovate this apartment and make it a home. The mentality was so bad that for the last 15 years, I didn't even have a bed. I would just sleep on the floor. Last year, by fluke, I ended up in a place where I had a regular bed. It was foreign to me. All kinds of fucked up.
    - carapace 10y ago
      Q: "What's the most important human drive?" A: "Familiarity." Sometimes you've just got to fake it til you make it. Since the real world is working okay for you now I feel this advice is appropriate. I've been there. Heck, I'm there now. I'm looking for a new apartment and I have to convince myself it's okay to rent a nice one! LOL ----- edit: I read your other post talking about PTSD and, yeah, do look into therapy. There are lots of different kinds out there. I recommend going to a few people before settling down with one or two. And even then if they're not helping, keep looking. There is a huge variability in people who hang out a shingle as therapists. Some are magic, others not so much, and it's different for each person who will be able to help them the most. Speaking from experience here. :) Good luck, God bless, and hand in there.
allovera 10y ago
I find the opposite - I'm deeply ashamed about growing up in poverty and rarely admit it. When it comes up, I find it creates distance between myself and my co workers. They get uncomfortable and I always feel like they think I am judging them somehow. I don't seem poor anymore: thousands of dollars on dental care, I dress OK, I have a fairly polished accent now. I don't talk to most of my family. My old friends live several thousand miles away and their world of drug abuse, poverty, and dysfunction is now one I only experience via the occasionally post I read on my Facebook feed. The PTSD remains -- the anxiety attacks in the middle of the night when I think I hear yelling, the flinching and heart palpitations when a co-worker sneaks up on me as a joke. I feel ashamed to mention this as well, because PTSD seems to have become a fashionable affliction to claim to have, like Celiac disease. I look for all intents and purposes like a normal 20something white girl. The few times I mentioned PTSD I actually saw someone eye roll. They don't know about flashbacks to homeless shelters, finding people OD'd in bathrooms, being attacked for just existing. I think the social circles I now move in have made all of this unmentionable. I am glad the author of this piece is at least bringing it up and talking about it. The isolation I feel among co workers and friends now is often very intense.
- mixmastamyk 10y ago
  As a I mentioned above, please consider therapy. It's not perfect, but you deserve to find some happiness. There may be some groups where you can find people with similar backgrounds, such as drug-survivors (al-anon etc). Also, time may heal. I'm old enough that my unhappy adolescence now feels like a dream, even though there are some lasting effects.
- heimatau 10y ago
  I'm with you in a lot of this. I grew up poor and all I've known is poverty. I clinch my pennies but I'm generous when I'm able. But I do have a very real awareness of my impending doom, be it a financial mishap or whatever. If it wasn't for 'Obama Care' I wouldn't be on Strattera for my ADD. Nor would've I been suggested this [1] for my anxiety, by my doctor. It's helped me significantly, a DIY assistance for coping with anxiety. I have a mild form PTSD. When you said 'flashbacks...middle of the night screaming'. It triggered an affirmation that I do have PTSD. I've been struggling with this idea for quiet some time but...it's mild and not constant. I know you're not a doctor nor do I want to get into all the details but growing up in an abusive/malnorished home, it's very real. Heck, I became homeless as an adult too. Finally, I want to gently suggest you look into getting help. Meaning, a shrink. Either doing talk therapy or consider medications, if they are truly needed. Keep in mind, it's not a black/white science. You'll need to experiment with your treatment to find what suits you best. I went on 4 different ADD meds before Strattera was a solid fit. Adderall helped but...the side effects were bad. Also, soonish, I've be working with someone to help aid my psychological restoration. ADD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and assertiveness will be my topics that I'd like to tackle because even though I'm doing decent now, I do need a helping mind to help me navigate through these issues/challenges in my life. [1] - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/160623918X/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1 https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/160623918X/ref=oh_aui_sear...

eternalban 10y ago

Have you read 'Into the Magic Shop'? [1]: http://intothemagicshop.com/ http://intothemagicshop.com/

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

rubberstamp 10y ago

I am sorry you had such a tough time. I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this. If they had money they wouldn't have turned out that way. There are only so many things you can do to make money and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you wouldn't get a job. When you have less money people are very vulnerable to being negative and become depressed. Its so hard to escape from it without proper support, which is almost non-existent in the US. Its just how the US system is. Contrast it with canada and uk or some nordic countries where there is some good social support like in healthcare. You don't have to tell others if they perceive it badly. In my experience only those who were poor can empathize with your situation. I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees.

allovera 10y ago
>I think your dad and mom are also the victims in this. They had plenty of money. Some people are just bad people. Sometimes these people are someone's parents. You do not know the situation and believe me, you are making a bit of an ass out of yourself. >I wish you will move away from amazon. I hear horrible stories about how they treat their low level employees. I'm treated very well here. Amazon depends greatly on the team: mine is a very laid-back, exciting team and we do not have on call. Again, you're making an ass out of yourself.
- rubberstamp 10y ago
  I wasn't trying to be an ass. I was just saying that poor people have it tough than people without money. As you point out, sometimes even people with money cannot get themselves out of bad choices. I refuse to believe people are born either good or bad. Its the environment people were exposed to and the will power to do the right thing even when its hard that make people good and bad. People do bad things because it takes some effort to do the right thing. Also about amazon, I wasn't trying to judge you or anything. I was just pointing put how amazon treat their low level employees like shit. Yes there are real costs to running a business. Your amazon team being great workplace for you is a good thing. Your team and the low level employees in warehouses all work for the same person, Jeff Bezos. If you were Jeff, and this came to your notice, would you actually do something about the bad working conditions of low level employees? They are humans after all and they are trying to make a living. Just because this is the only job they can do, doesn't mean they can be treated lowly. If no one reacts to it, then it will continue to be status quo(not advocating violent/rude confrontation). Agree to disagree.