5 ms·

Every social interaction is a kind of investment. At work it's to advance your career or just remain employed. And there are few professions where you really do

Every social interaction is a kind of investment. At work it's to advance your career or just remain employed. And there are few professions where you really don't have to communicate with anyone at all and can still make a living. Even introverts need to gain enough skill (chutzpah?) to communicate with their colleagues. Socially, it's another matter entirely. There are obligatory communications that you really can't reasonably dodge, like planning family Holidays, or finding a friend to join you to a concert, or calling around to get a decent price on a set of tires. Then there are the real small-talk situations. Standing in line at the coffee shop, sitting with another parent you've never met waiting for your turn at the parent teach conference, the bored bartender while you're trying to relax the last evening of a business trip... These opportunities have different payoffs that really depend only to you. If you're an extrovert, a conversation with a stranger may be invigorating. And yes, you might learn something valuable, or offer some advice that genuinely helps a stranger. For me, there is simply no payoff. The investment of awkwardness versus the comfort of remaining withdrawn is just not worth it. Once in a while, I might be in a particularly good mood and actually strike up a conversation. But that is a rare moment for me, and I usually end the conversation thinking that the last thing I said for sure came across as weird and they had no clue what I meant... So usually, I want to remain in thought, or distracted by some type of entertainment or doing something that I deem to be productive. Thank God for my iPhone. I'll satisfy my obligations to society in other ways.

jimmaswell 10y ago
Are you saying it's socially "obligatory" to not go to concerts alone? I've done that a few times, and I don't think anyone notices or cares, and if they do, so what?
- 11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
  I'm an introvert. I've gone to Disneyland alone, for God's sake. And I'm pretty sure that people who saw me there alone thought I was weird. It was definitely a so what situation.
  - tormeh 10y ago
    Generally people don't look twice at you. Unless you were dressed weird or something, they probably didn't try to determine whether you were there with someone or not, because it's too high a cognitive load to apply for everyone you see at Disneyland. Or, in gaming speak: You're at the center of your minimap, but not at anyone else's.
    - marmot777 10y ago
      This is a hard one for many, many people. Most people don't give a fuck because they have enough to deal with in their own life without thinking about yours all the time, too. It's an illusion that anyone is evaluating whether you came to the show with someone or not.
    - marmot777 10y ago
      I could dress as mickey mouse every day because it'd be somewhat anonymous, at least at first, until that become my identity. Hey Mickey, what's up.
  - Coincoin 10y ago
    I'm pretty sure no one noticed you at all. It's like that spaghetti stain on your shirt, you can see it a mile away in a mirror but nobody gives a shit about it.
- marmot777 10y ago
  Absolutely, go to concerts alone. It harms nobody. If you go to the concert and made a point of standing facing the crowd glaring with your arms folded, that's harm. Obviously, you're there to have some fun or at least enjoy some good music.
dkokelley 10y ago
How do you reconcile "Every social interaction is a kind of investment" with "I might be in a particularly good mood and actually strike up a conversation"? Does being in a good mood mean that you will get more upside to the "investment" of small talk? Are you being optimistic that the conversation will be productive (i.e. "maybe I'll learn something interesting or make an important connection"), or does the act of engaging in small talk yield its own reward, dependent on being in the right mood?
- 11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
  Once in a while, something really good happens and I have no one to tell about it. In those cases, some typically dormant circuit in my personality lights up and I want to talk. So I'll start the small talk off, but look for an opening to talk about my experience.
- vinceguidry 10y ago
  > How do you reconcile "Every social interaction is a kind of investment" with "I might be in a particularly good mood and actually strike up a conversation"? The price to buy in is less when you're in a good mood.
  - marmot777 10y ago
    Absolutely true. I tend to attract good energy when I put out good energy. The inverse, too. It's palpable. If I walked around always in the space of my lowest band, I'd see the world and people as pretty bad.
- Ar-Curunir 10y ago
  Perhaps the investment cost is less.
marmot777 10y ago
I agree, yes, I think we are obligated to be nice to strangers in public. Fuck those people who bring their bad energy into a coffee shop.
- bobthechef 10y ago
  Equally bad is being overly familiar with someone you don't know.
  - marmot777 10y ago
    Agreed. I've made that mistake before and others have made it with me. It's not respecting boundaries. I'm a little too curious sometimes asking personal questions or otherwise crossing boundaries. Respect personal boundaries. It's the least you can do.
marmot777 10y ago
That's a very transactional view of other people if you're saying it's investment with expectation of return? If you mean it's literally an investment as in energy and time. Is it really all about payoffs? It may be true. It just seems sad. I'd rather lie to myself that it's not that.
- 11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
  You get a payoff for everything you do, whether you know it or not. It feels really good to help my kids and see them do well. It feels good to help a coworker find a bug that's been dogging them. I feel self-satisfied after getting a thank you for holding a door open for someone. Those positive feelings are all payoffs for my behavior. But I feel awkward trying to talk to a stranger. No payoff. So I generally don't do it.
  - marmot777 10y ago
    Fair enough. It sounds selfish as in I have a son and I'd like to think I don't help him for a payoff but I could be delusional. Or it could be the two things don't contradict each other. Let's say you randomly pay for someone's coffee at a coffee shop and they say what the fuck's your problem? Stalker. No, they smile warmly and thank you. You share a laugh. You made their day, they made yours. It's not zero sum. Nobody lost anything. Well, except you, some cash. I forgot to ask do you ever feel good energy from a stranger and have this amazing interaction even if it lasts 3 minutes? It does happen. I'd hazard to say that the sum total of little interactions and individual energy projection is the gestalt of a place and time. Even a room has a vibe we've all felt. You can tell if a room feels tense, a sidewalk is full of anxious people, that was love I just felt. I'm sure there's a better word for this than gestalt, btw.
    - 11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
      do you ever feel good energy from a stranger and have this amazing interaction even if it lasts 3 minutes? I thought for a while to recall, and, well, not really. There have been circumstances where some external situation affected both me and a stranger in some way and we mutually complained or otherwise acknowledged it. It was a connection based on a shared experience, rather than being all that random. Maybe that counts. But you have to be open in order for those more serendipitous instant connections to happen that you enjoy, and I'm just not open. It's an attribute of my Aspergers-induced introversion, I think.
dozzie 10y ago
> Even introverts need to gain enough skill (chutzpah?) to communicate with their colleagues. We have enough of these skills, thank you very much. We just don't like talking about nothing for three hours and we don't like forcing intimate details of our lives into somebody else's throat. If we have nothing to say, we stay silent.

jimmaswell 10y ago

Are you saying it's socially "obligatory" to not go to concerts alone? I've done that a few times, and I don't think anyone notices or cares, and if they do, so what?

11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
I'm an introvert. I've gone to Disneyland alone, for God's sake. And I'm pretty sure that people who saw me there alone thought I was weird. It was definitely a so what situation.
- tormeh 10y ago
  Generally people don't look twice at you. Unless you were dressed weird or something, they probably didn't try to determine whether you were there with someone or not, because it's too high a cognitive load to apply for everyone you see at Disneyland. Or, in gaming speak: You're at the center of your minimap, but not at anyone else's.
  - marmot777 10y ago
    This is a hard one for many, many people. Most people don't give a fuck because they have enough to deal with in their own life without thinking about yours all the time, too. It's an illusion that anyone is evaluating whether you came to the show with someone or not.
  - marmot777 10y ago
    I could dress as mickey mouse every day because it'd be somewhat anonymous, at least at first, until that become my identity. Hey Mickey, what's up.
- Coincoin 10y ago
  I'm pretty sure no one noticed you at all. It's like that spaghetti stain on your shirt, you can see it a mile away in a mirror but nobody gives a shit about it.
marmot777 10y ago
Absolutely, go to concerts alone. It harms nobody. If you go to the concert and made a point of standing facing the crowd glaring with your arms folded, that's harm. Obviously, you're there to have some fun or at least enjoy some good music.

dkokelley 10y ago

How do you reconcile "Every social interaction is a kind of investment" with "I might be in a particularly good mood and actually strike up a conversation"? Does being in a good mood mean that you will get more upside to the "investment" of small talk? Are you being optimistic that the conversation will be productive (i.e. "maybe I'll learn something interesting or make an important connection"), or does the act of engaging in small talk yield its own reward, dependent on being in the right mood?

11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
Once in a while, something really good happens and I have no one to tell about it. In those cases, some typically dormant circuit in my personality lights up and I want to talk. So I'll start the small talk off, but look for an opening to talk about my experience.
vinceguidry 10y ago
> How do you reconcile "Every social interaction is a kind of investment" with "I might be in a particularly good mood and actually strike up a conversation"? The price to buy in is less when you're in a good mood.
- marmot777 10y ago
  Absolutely true. I tend to attract good energy when I put out good energy. The inverse, too. It's palpable. If I walked around always in the space of my lowest band, I'd see the world and people as pretty bad.
Ar-Curunir 10y ago
Perhaps the investment cost is less.

marmot777 10y ago

I agree, yes, I think we are obligated to be nice to strangers in public. Fuck those people who bring their bad energy into a coffee shop.

bobthechef 10y ago
Equally bad is being overly familiar with someone you don't know.
- marmot777 10y ago
  Agreed. I've made that mistake before and others have made it with me. It's not respecting boundaries. I'm a little too curious sometimes asking personal questions or otherwise crossing boundaries. Respect personal boundaries. It's the least you can do.

marmot777 10y ago

That's a very transactional view of other people if you're saying it's investment with expectation of return? If you mean it's literally an investment as in energy and time. Is it really all about payoffs? It may be true. It just seems sad. I'd rather lie to myself that it's not that.

11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
You get a payoff for everything you do, whether you know it or not. It feels really good to help my kids and see them do well. It feels good to help a coworker find a bug that's been dogging them. I feel self-satisfied after getting a thank you for holding a door open for someone. Those positive feelings are all payoffs for my behavior. But I feel awkward trying to talk to a stranger. No payoff. So I generally don't do it.
- marmot777 10y ago
  Fair enough. It sounds selfish as in I have a son and I'd like to think I don't help him for a payoff but I could be delusional. Or it could be the two things don't contradict each other. Let's say you randomly pay for someone's coffee at a coffee shop and they say what the fuck's your problem? Stalker. No, they smile warmly and thank you. You share a laugh. You made their day, they made yours. It's not zero sum. Nobody lost anything. Well, except you, some cash. I forgot to ask do you ever feel good energy from a stranger and have this amazing interaction even if it lasts 3 minutes? It does happen. I'd hazard to say that the sum total of little interactions and individual energy projection is the gestalt of a place and time. Even a room has a vibe we've all felt. You can tell if a room feels tense, a sidewalk is full of anxious people, that was love I just felt. I'm sure there's a better word for this than gestalt, btw.
  - 11thEarlOfMar 10y ago
    do you ever feel good energy from a stranger and have this amazing interaction even if it lasts 3 minutes? I thought for a while to recall, and, well, not really. There have been circumstances where some external situation affected both me and a stranger in some way and we mutually complained or otherwise acknowledged it. It was a connection based on a shared experience, rather than being all that random. Maybe that counts. But you have to be open in order for those more serendipitous instant connections to happen that you enjoy, and I'm just not open. It's an attribute of my Aspergers-induced introversion, I think.

dozzie 10y ago

> Even introverts need to gain enough skill (chutzpah?) to communicate with their colleagues. We have enough of these skills, thank you very much. We just don't like talking about nothing for three hours and we don't like forcing intimate details of our lives into somebody else's throat. If we have nothing to say, we stay silent.