6 ms·

It got better, I had a bad reaction to paracetamol I'd just started taking, it seems.

• Myrth 10y ago
  Your post has touched me deeply and resonated a lot with my own life. Thank you for writing!
• M_Grey 10y ago
  It's good that you're still here, and writing. It's never less than a pleasure to read what you have to say.
• eternalban 10y ago
  That's a relief! Glad to hear the plan is on hold. Hey, noted you writing about not being into this "fight this thing" ("neighbor") but curious how this turn of event alters your views. Just purely in the emotional and psychological sense, does this all of a sudden having an extended expected horizon, doesn't [it] seem like future could be anything in the realm of possible. (I apologize if this is too personal.)
  • PieterH 10y ago
    Well, I'm steadily losing weight, down to about 65kg now from 76kg when I was diagnosed. I'm finding it harder and harder to eat, and I've steadily increased my painkillers from 10mg to 50mg or more per 12h. So, clearly, things are not getting better. I'm dying and it is just a matter of what bed I die in, and whether it'll be a vital organ like the liver that gives up first, or euthanasia if the breathing gets too hard, and the pain too much. What the extended horizon does is let me write a little more in that article (there are still stories to tell) and wonder if maybe it'll be enough for a book. Weirdly the main emotion I feel is a kind of embarrassment at raising a false alarm that gets so many people worried. Also, happiness of course to still be alive and see my family & friends and chat a little more with people on the Internet :-)
    • marcofloriano 10y ago
      I love books. I'm finishing for the first time the Foundation Series of Isaac Asimov. You know what's frighten me? When i read him, i kinda connect with him, his beliefs, fears, opinions, view points ... his soul. Problem is: guy is (physically) dead for over a decade. But when i read his books, it's like if he is alive. I started reading Confessions of a Necromancer and boy! it's amazing. I'm sure, deep inside, it's a masterpiece and a way for your mind and soul to survive all difficulties you are facing now. So you are not dying, indeed, you are probably living more then most of your entire life before. Even if your body is in a bad shape, you true self are getting better and better. Sorry for saying this like that, but keep up the good job!
      • PieterH 10y ago
        Yeah, it's true, the last five months have been a more intense sensation of living than I've ever known.
        • dredmorbius 10y ago
          There's nothing quite like facing one's imminent dissolution to focus the mind. Some years back, after watching someone very near and close go through and eventually succumb to a situation similar to yours, I used travel as one of my coping and recovery mechanisms. Came a point on the trip where I found a very high and sheer promintory. I took the opportunity to consider just what it was that made staying alive worthwhile. Few if any religious or philosophical justifications do much for me. The Talking Heads lyric, "heaven is a place where nothing ever happens" came to mind. And with it the realisation that there's only one sure-fire way to find out what comes next, and that's to be there for it. Regardless of whether that's good, bad, or indifferent. I've found the argument convincing to date. I'm also loving your posts and engagement. I've thanked you for them before, but here it is again: thanks.
          • PieterH 10y ago
            My pleasure... :) I've really enjoyed this trip, the last five months.
• simonebrunozzi 10y ago
  Wow, glad to hear this, too.