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Exactly! If the wife in the story wanted to know why her husband didn't talk about any of the various men's problems on their fishing trip, she could have just

Exactly! If the wife in the story wanted to know why her husband didn't talk about any of the various men's problems on their fishing trip, she could have just asked the rhetorical question "how would talking about the problem while fishing make the problem go away?" I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. I have absolutely no desire to try to get empathy or sympathy.

callahad 17y ago
I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. Huh. I find that talking to many and sundry friends about problems helps me to understand the problem. Something about refining how I articulate the issue helps me organize it in my mind, which in turn informs any action I may take.
- cwp 17y ago
  Wouldn't that qualify as "only if they can help solve it?"
  - roundsquare 17y ago
    Exactly. If its "I'm trying to find a new job but I don't get past the resume point" your friends can help. If its "I have bone cancer and I'm doing to die in a few years" there's nothing your friends can do to solve the problem.
    - dgabriel 17y ago
      They can't solve the cancer, but there are a plethora of other problems they can help solve on the way. Having a terminal illness introduces a great number of issues, and sometimes just talking helps determine the problem space.
sliverstorm 17y ago
Based on your last line, I am 99% certain you are male. I'm much the same way. It can make relationships hard. I have to remember that women typically get mad at me if they tell me of troubles and I try to help them solve them. I have to remember they only want sympathy, not a solution, no matter how simple the solution might be.
- UmYeah 17y ago
  I never realized this until I was living in a house with 3 girls. One day, one of them walks in a starts telling me about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. I gave her my advice on the situation. She responded by telling me that whenever anyone comes to me with problems, I try to give them an answer (why else would they be coming to me, right?!?). She told me people don't always want solutions to their problems, they just want someone to listen to them. She didn't apply this to only girls, as some guys I know seem to deal with their problems in the same way. This is something I still don't really understand but this article sheds a little light on the subject.
  - Dellort 17y ago
    They want me to listen, I want them to shut the hell up. I think they should compromise and shut the hell up.
  - DaniFong 17y ago
    I think one of the problems is that the solutions people offer usually don't make sense for some reason, possibly complex, emotion driven, with a lot of past history that's difficult to reveal, and difficult to communicate. Offering a solution that ignores all of these issues, which are likely present but would take days to untangle, seems slightly arrogant and ignorant, and thus annoying. Often times the advisees are too nice to explicitly say that the solution doesn't make sense, or are too reserved to explain the reasons why it doesn't make sense, so they just get annoyed. This annoys the advisors, who just want to help. This isn't confined to boys and girls. Imagine parents saying -- "Kids! Do X! It is good for you!" The response is of course "but you don't understand me!" This is the problem. It's hard to hear advice from someone you don't think understands you. For whatever reason, boys in this culture have a lower threshold for giving advice (though who knows who's more likely to actually take it). The process of being listened to isn't mere venting. Being able to tell your story helps you to understand it. The solutions you come to will be your own, and you'll feel more confident about enacting them. Hardly anyone follows advice anyway; the storytelling and listening process seems just as a effective as a collective decision making strategy as giving advice directly.
cubix 17y ago
I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. How can you determine if he can solve it without talking to him about it first?

callahad 17y ago

I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. Huh. I find that talking to many and sundry friends about problems helps me to understand the problem. Something about refining how I articulate the issue helps me organize it in my mind, which in turn informs any action I may take.

cwp 17y ago
Wouldn't that qualify as "only if they can help solve it?"
- roundsquare 17y ago
  Exactly. If its "I'm trying to find a new job but I don't get past the resume point" your friends can help. If its "I have bone cancer and I'm doing to die in a few years" there's nothing your friends can do to solve the problem.
  - dgabriel 17y ago
    They can't solve the cancer, but there are a plethora of other problems they can help solve on the way. Having a terminal illness introduces a great number of issues, and sometimes just talking helps determine the problem space.

sliverstorm 17y ago

Based on your last line, I am 99% certain you are male. I'm much the same way. It can make relationships hard. I have to remember that women typically get mad at me if they tell me of troubles and I try to help them solve them. I have to remember they only want sympathy, not a solution, no matter how simple the solution might be.

UmYeah 17y ago
I never realized this until I was living in a house with 3 girls. One day, one of them walks in a starts telling me about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. I gave her my advice on the situation. She responded by telling me that whenever anyone comes to me with problems, I try to give them an answer (why else would they be coming to me, right?!?). She told me people don't always want solutions to their problems, they just want someone to listen to them. She didn't apply this to only girls, as some guys I know seem to deal with their problems in the same way. This is something I still don't really understand but this article sheds a little light on the subject.
- Dellort 17y ago
  They want me to listen, I want them to shut the hell up. I think they should compromise and shut the hell up.
- DaniFong 17y ago
  I think one of the problems is that the solutions people offer usually don't make sense for some reason, possibly complex, emotion driven, with a lot of past history that's difficult to reveal, and difficult to communicate. Offering a solution that ignores all of these issues, which are likely present but would take days to untangle, seems slightly arrogant and ignorant, and thus annoying. Often times the advisees are too nice to explicitly say that the solution doesn't make sense, or are too reserved to explain the reasons why it doesn't make sense, so they just get annoyed. This annoys the advisors, who just want to help. This isn't confined to boys and girls. Imagine parents saying -- "Kids! Do X! It is good for you!" The response is of course "but you don't understand me!" This is the problem. It's hard to hear advice from someone you don't think understands you. For whatever reason, boys in this culture have a lower threshold for giving advice (though who knows who's more likely to actually take it). The process of being listened to isn't mere venting. Being able to tell your story helps you to understand it. The solutions you come to will be your own, and you'll feel more confident about enacting them. Hardly anyone follows advice anyway; the storytelling and listening process seems just as a effective as a collective decision making strategy as giving advice directly.

cubix 17y ago

I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. How can you determine if he can solve it without talking to him about it first?