6 ms·

> What exactly was my responsibility as a daughter? Is anyone so terrible that they deserve to die alone? And what would it say about me if I were willing to le

• agnivade 10y ago
  Its not always that straight-forward. I will start from the beginning to explain why. Keep in mind, I will talk from the point of view of Asian cultures. When you are a child, your world is limited to your parents. You listen to them because that's what you are told to do by everyone else. You love them because that's what you are told to do. My mother kept on telling me to go under a bus because I am dumb, or I was not good looking. She told me to always tell myself that I am stupid and dumb and I will never achieve anything in life. But yea, she loved me too, in her own way; atleast that's what I like to think. So its not been exactly an easy childhood for me. In no way, I have undergone what the author has experienced. But had that happened to me, what would I have done ? The answer is complicated. What about compassion ? What about forgiveness ? And keep in mind, I am an atheist. But what do I gain by letting someone die ? Nothing. I take a step back and try to understand from their point of view. Why did they do what they did ? There is always a reason. Maybe the author's father experienced abuse or had a rough childhood too. Maybe he wasn't loved enough. Maybe love and understanding is all he needed. Or I maybe wrong on every count. Who knows ? So I will try to forgive and be compassionate towards everyone. Maybe because I don't have the balls to stand up and defend myself. Or maybe those feelings do not come to me at all. All I know is this is what I can do and will keep on doing. And hope that one day, everyone is kind to each other.
• chias 10y ago
  I think one of the beautiful things about this story is that it actually describes two contrasting points of view on the matter, and one of them is in agreement with you. The author spends far fewer words on her sister's perspective (who seems to share the same opinion you do), but I think talking about it less is kind of the whole point -- as you say, the answers are obvious and straight-forward, so there isn't much to go in to. The author herself tries to hold this perspective, but ultimately finds she has a different one. One that includes, among other things, the need to write this story even after "it is finished".
• DasIch 10y ago
  The problem is that the law tends to disagree on that one.
  • zeroer 10y ago
    What exactly are you talking about? Supporting your underage children is a moral responsibility in my book. If you're talking about filial responsibility laws, then yea, you have a point; it's somewhere that I disagree with the law. But fortunately, due to federal medicare support, these laws are rarely enforced. For face-to-face meetings and everything else, shitty family members should be shunned. I wish more people would tell their abusers to take a hike.
    • DasIch 10y ago
      I'm not entirely sure on the laws in the US but in Germany the law basically considers parents to be responsible for their children and as the parents and children get older, eventually the children become responsible for the parents. I'd imagine it's similar in other countries. A lot of the time there isn't much or any consideration given in case of abusive relationships. Even though I think we both agree on the fact that in such a situation any ties both morally and legally should be severed.
      • burkaman 10y ago
        About half of US states have laws like this. Sometimes it's a specific financial responsibility for medical bills or burial costs, sometimes it's a more general law like this one: https://malegislature.gov/laws/generallaws/partiv/titlei/chapter273/section20 https://malegislature.gov/laws/generallaws/partiv/titlei/cha... This Massachusetts law does excuse children who were not "reasonably supported" by their parents when they were a minor.
        • hga 10y ago
          Are these laws actually enforced? In addition to the one you point out, there's a host of loopholes I see in the bare bones law, "when such parent through misfortune and without fault of his own is destitute".
• nugget 10y ago
  I think the author recognizes that she had no duty to her father after the abuse she suffered and that nobody she cared about would think twice about her never seeing him or his family again. Reading between the lines I heard the voice of a young girl who will nonetheless always miss the father figure she wanted (so desperately that she was ready to forgive and forget sexual abuse if he would either apologize or lie to her about it) but never had (because he never existed) and these emotions become triggered by any mention of his name. I've had close friends in this situation and the psychology of it can become very frustrating and confusing. In any case the article wasn't about him, it was about herself - probably written, she would say, for others in her situation with less self-awareness or self-confidence - children who should recognize a duty not to an abusive parent but to themselves to achieve some measure of peace and closure in their own lives.
• ab475583 10y ago
  It is phrased in terms of duty and responsibility, which are easy to reject. But the ongoing struggle for some kind of relationship really stems from her own desire for understanding.