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I've been a private military contractor for more than thirty years. Some of the companies I was working for had very impersonal procedures to handle deaths. I

I've been a private military contractor for more than thirty years. Some of the companies I was working for had very impersonal procedures to handle deaths. I offered a few times to personally inform the family / next of kin for the guys that were working with me directly but that request was always denied because it was not "cost efficient". So I always did the trip on my own. The loss hit them like a truck every time, I have a few memories that make me wake up in the middle of the night three days a week but the look on a mother's face when you tell her that her son is dead is something you will never forget as long as you live. Still, I am glad I went to see every family of everyone I lost in all those years. There was crying and screaming and tears and a lot of blaming, I even got slapped a few times but I always told them I'll be in a hotel nearby for the next days and if they want to talk they can call me any time of the day. Some never called but after a day or two most invited me back to their home or came by and we had a few long talks over the next days until I had to go. I've been in touch with most of those families over the years and I heard a lot of times that it gave them peace to know that I was there when their son / brother / husband / grandson died and that I came by personally to try to comfort them before they got "the letter". I wish everyone that you will never come into this situation because it's almost as hard and unfair to be the messenger as it is to be the recipient of that message.

jayess 10y ago
Jesus.
allendoerfer 10y ago
This comment will be unpopular. When you have gone through something like that, how can you continue to do the work you do? How can it still be worth it? I do not know what exactly you do, but could it someday be someoneelse telling this to your family?
- mirimir 10y ago
  Well, you do seem judgmental. If parent had talked about military or police, would you have posed the same question? If not, why not? I'm no pacifist, but I also don't like to follow orders, so I wouldn't do any of that work. And yet, who am I to judge?
  - allendoerfer 10y ago
    > If parent had talked about military or police, would you have posed the same question? If he had talked about the military, yes I would have posed the same question. That people in the US seem to be okay with paramilitaristic private companies is beyond my understanding, but I was not criticizing this here. I am honestly interested in his motivation, because I cannot think of anything I would do with these consequences attached. Maybe when not doing it would make it even worse, but I do not think this applies here. There is another thread where a doctor describes the same horrors, but his motivation is clearly that sometimes his actions can actually avoid this. Yes a soldier could save his friends in a battle, too, but to me the most effective way would be to convince his friends to not go to the battle in the first place, maybe even by leading by example. > Well, you do seem judgemental. As seen above, I am a bit, at least I might have a different view on things. Still you can talk to each other and my question is not political but emotional: Just how can you keep going? If he had talked about the police with this number of losses, I would also ask how you can keep going and not become either depressed or politically active. While there are police deaths, that many OP is describing here are not normal if you look at international statistics, since OP does not seem to be some sort of national police chief, who has to visit every relative of a dead officer and I guess would already be a kind of politician trying to solve the issue.
    - wlievens 10y ago
      In a follow-up post, he explained that his missions concerned tracking suspected war criminals and delivering them to war crimes courts. Does that change your view in any way?
      - allendoerfer 10y ago
        It does not change my view on private military. I do not think mercenaries should exist at all. I am a fan of a strict monopoly on the use of force by the state, which in foreign states should be backed by the UN. For me it is a question about moral. Similar to the death penalty, there might be cases where you think someone deserves to be dead. I just think that especially when dealing with bad criminals law must never be opportunistic and must at all times have the moral upper hand. I think when ultima ratio has to be taken, it should be taken by individuals who later have to account for their actions. Law should never allow it. His post perfectly answers my question. I can see why this is a huge motivation.
- Jamesbeam 10y ago
  I don't see why your comment would be unpopular. These are valid questions.There is no easy answer to them tho without understanding the bigger picture. When I was young joining the army in my country was an easy decision, the money was good and it was a safe job. Recruiters would tell you that you could make an impact on the world and make it a better place for everyone while making enough money to easily fund your kids future and live a good life if you do the job long enough and are willing to put blood, sweat, and tears in. But within a few years, I realized that what I did had no impact whatsoever, and the money was only good if you went home in one piece or alive at all.So I quit and specialized in tracking down war criminals in the private sector. It is a long way before you see some of these people in front of the International Criminal Court for example. Many don't even make it there. You ask how I could continue the work I did? I had the chance to talk to these people sometimes for an hour sometimes for days before handing them over and one question I always asked was "What do you think would have been necessary to keep you from doing what you did?" and most of the answers boiled down to "nothing, besides a bullet maybe". And that is exactly the reason why people like me are necessary. You can't sit down at a table with these guys and talk them out of it. There is real evil in this world. And these people are the living proof. They think they are invincible and above the law and when you see how long it takes to bring these people to justice you begin to understand why they think that way. Now I'm retired. So no, I am pretty sure the cause of my death will be natural some day. As far as I'm concerned I don't need to write a book about what or how I did what I did. And outside those trials, my name will never be mentioned anywhere. But the families of all the people I worked with that died and all the families and mothers that suffered by losing their sons and daughters and husbands because of the war crimes that person ordered will get a little bit of peace, knowing that no matter how rich or powerful you are there are people coming for you willing to give their lives so you rot in jail for what you did.
  - jonah 10y ago
    Who funded your work, if I may ask?
    - MrBuddyCasino 10y ago
      I would be very interested in that as well. Also: maybe you should write that book.
taneq 10y ago
That must have taken its toll on you. I'm glad you did the right thing by those families. No-one should have to learn about something like that by text or impersonal phone call.

jayess 10y ago

Jesus.

allendoerfer 10y ago

This comment will be unpopular. When you have gone through something like that, how can you continue to do the work you do? How can it still be worth it? I do not know what exactly you do, but could it someday be someoneelse telling this to your family?

mirimir 10y ago
Well, you do seem judgmental. If parent had talked about military or police, would you have posed the same question? If not, why not? I'm no pacifist, but I also don't like to follow orders, so I wouldn't do any of that work. And yet, who am I to judge?
- allendoerfer 10y ago
  > If parent had talked about military or police, would you have posed the same question? If he had talked about the military, yes I would have posed the same question. That people in the US seem to be okay with paramilitaristic private companies is beyond my understanding, but I was not criticizing this here. I am honestly interested in his motivation, because I cannot think of anything I would do with these consequences attached. Maybe when not doing it would make it even worse, but I do not think this applies here. There is another thread where a doctor describes the same horrors, but his motivation is clearly that sometimes his actions can actually avoid this. Yes a soldier could save his friends in a battle, too, but to me the most effective way would be to convince his friends to not go to the battle in the first place, maybe even by leading by example. > Well, you do seem judgemental. As seen above, I am a bit, at least I might have a different view on things. Still you can talk to each other and my question is not political but emotional: Just how can you keep going? If he had talked about the police with this number of losses, I would also ask how you can keep going and not become either depressed or politically active. While there are police deaths, that many OP is describing here are not normal if you look at international statistics, since OP does not seem to be some sort of national police chief, who has to visit every relative of a dead officer and I guess would already be a kind of politician trying to solve the issue.
  - wlievens 10y ago
    In a follow-up post, he explained that his missions concerned tracking suspected war criminals and delivering them to war crimes courts. Does that change your view in any way?
    - allendoerfer 10y ago
      It does not change my view on private military. I do not think mercenaries should exist at all. I am a fan of a strict monopoly on the use of force by the state, which in foreign states should be backed by the UN. For me it is a question about moral. Similar to the death penalty, there might be cases where you think someone deserves to be dead. I just think that especially when dealing with bad criminals law must never be opportunistic and must at all times have the moral upper hand. I think when ultima ratio has to be taken, it should be taken by individuals who later have to account for their actions. Law should never allow it. His post perfectly answers my question. I can see why this is a huge motivation.
Jamesbeam 10y ago
I don't see why your comment would be unpopular. These are valid questions.There is no easy answer to them tho without understanding the bigger picture. When I was young joining the army in my country was an easy decision, the money was good and it was a safe job. Recruiters would tell you that you could make an impact on the world and make it a better place for everyone while making enough money to easily fund your kids future and live a good life if you do the job long enough and are willing to put blood, sweat, and tears in. But within a few years, I realized that what I did had no impact whatsoever, and the money was only good if you went home in one piece or alive at all.So I quit and specialized in tracking down war criminals in the private sector. It is a long way before you see some of these people in front of the International Criminal Court for example. Many don't even make it there. You ask how I could continue the work I did? I had the chance to talk to these people sometimes for an hour sometimes for days before handing them over and one question I always asked was "What do you think would have been necessary to keep you from doing what you did?" and most of the answers boiled down to "nothing, besides a bullet maybe". And that is exactly the reason why people like me are necessary. You can't sit down at a table with these guys and talk them out of it. There is real evil in this world. And these people are the living proof. They think they are invincible and above the law and when you see how long it takes to bring these people to justice you begin to understand why they think that way. Now I'm retired. So no, I am pretty sure the cause of my death will be natural some day. As far as I'm concerned I don't need to write a book about what or how I did what I did. And outside those trials, my name will never be mentioned anywhere. But the families of all the people I worked with that died and all the families and mothers that suffered by losing their sons and daughters and husbands because of the war crimes that person ordered will get a little bit of peace, knowing that no matter how rich or powerful you are there are people coming for you willing to give their lives so you rot in jail for what you did.
- jonah 10y ago
  Who funded your work, if I may ask?
  - MrBuddyCasino 10y ago
    I would be very interested in that as well. Also: maybe you should write that book.

taneq 10y ago

That must have taken its toll on you. I'm glad you did the right thing by those families. No-one should have to learn about something like that by text or impersonal phone call.