2 ms·
From what I've learned, women use talking to clear out their mind, to reach a conclusion whereas men like to talk only after they're reached a conclusion. This
by yason 17y ago
From what I've learned, women use talking to clear out their mind, to reach a conclusion whereas men like to talk only after they're reached a conclusion. This also sets expectations in men and guides how men respond to women.
When a person is talking, men expect him to have a point and get there quick. This won't happen when a man is listening to a woman because women talk to find out themselves if there's a point at all. You can guess this can be totally boring for the man if he's stuck with the idea of just waiting and waiting and waiting for the woman to get the point. Soon the man will just learn that the woman's talk never reaches his expectations and stops listening. It's not about physical hearing, it's about mentally filtering out anything she says.
Neither approach to talking is wrong, they're just very different.
I've made it a point for myself to listen to my wife because I've seen how tremendously important it is for her. I don't expect her to get to a point and I'm not waiting for an interesting issue to be revealed in the end that I can then solve for her. I just listen, nod, make short comments, and what I expect from the discussion is her feeling better instead of a point getting delivered.
- kristiandupont 17y agoThis is my observation too, at least for some women (and some men too, I am sure). However, I find it difficult to keep listening if I don't feel there is a point. How do you manage not to zone out?
- bartl 17y agoAnd that may well be the reason why men zone out. I know I do.
- yason 17y agoI guess it's called love. I wouldn't want to listen to just any woman but I do want to listen to my wife. It helps to recognize that it's important to her: I can see her relaxing when talking and it feels good to help her. I also reserve the right to not listen to her: in that case I'll just tell her that now is not a good time — I can't handle it now but I'll listen to her later. Perhaps thanks to this, I can indeed handle her most of the time. Listening is easier when I know beforehand that her train of thought just wanders around and won't probably lead to any conclusion as I would understand an ending. Thus, I've learned to not expect one. My mind does drop off the track sometimes but I know I'll soon get back to listening again. Her words are sketches so it doesn't matter if I miss some as long as I hear most. I can still keep the key things in my head and she doesn't question whether I can recite what I've heard either. Sometimes I can't do better than just half-listen: in that case I can sometimes keep my cool and make her happy, sometimes she will notice and ask me to focus more on her. Sometimes I can't, sometimes I can. I don't think my wife particularly enjoys when I'm explaining to her some cool technical thing or praise something I did to my car either. She's not too interested in it and she doesn't know much of what I'm talking about. But if I want to tell her about those she always listens, up to my point and often beyond. I'll rather live fifty years with her and try to not zone out while she's talking than live fifty years alone and try to not zone out while nobody's talking.