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Ask HN: When to settle down (as a guy)?

So here's the thing. I have an online business is doing $xM/y. I have lots of friends and I travel a lot. But I just turned 30. Now I know time is limited etc. But I don't feel like starting a family or anything like that yet. I have the freedom to do anything, go anywhere. On the other hand, I don't want to miss out on the window of opportunity and be 50 and childless and lonely. I kinda just wanna keep doing whatever I want. Meanwhile all my friends are moving in together, getting babies etc. Am I fucking up here? Hasn't time changed though? Or do I have severe Peter Pan issues? It's not like I'm not responsible though, I take care of myself, my finances, my friends and family (that is, my parents!). I feel like if you don't do it, society sees you as a failure but I don't think I am? I hear so many nightmare stories from married friends with babies etc. Divorces. Breakups. Also good stories. But mostly it seems people around me aren't that happy with the choices that "happened to them". I'm like rationally wondering if that's really a smart choice when I'm in a pretty ideal situation now. It doesn't seem like a choice for most, and it also appears like it's mostly women making the choice for them (if I ask my guy friends). I mostly wonder how long I should prolong it before I do it to optimize my usage of (life) time.

robertcope 10y ago
Well, for one thing, settling down isn't something you can go out and buy or manufacture. Finding the right person and the right time is hard and also a bit of luck. One thing I would consider, though, is that the older you are, the harder kids become and the less of their life you'll get to see. I was 37 when my kid was born and I wish I'd had her a bit earlier.
- throwaway238723 10y ago
  Thanks! How did you approach the process of finding the right person? As a purposeful thing or just let it happen by serendipity?
  - robertcope 10y ago
    I had no approach, it just happened. But you have to be out and doing things for it to happen, they're not going to show up on your couch one day while you're playing video games or watching TV, that is for sure. Well, unless you order a bride or something.
throwaway238723 10y ago
P.S. I have no big trouble dating, I've also had 3Y+ relationships. Just didn't feel like I was ready to give everything up and settle down.
endswapper 10y ago
To offer a little context, I am not someone who has ever done things the "right," or "normal" way. It doesn't matter if it's school, career, relationships, whatever, I have always done things that feel right to me for me. I am 38 and I have been married for ~2.5 years, no kids. Marriage was never a priority, nor were children. Getting married for societal acceptance, or FOMO are not good reasons. Marriage has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Before I was married I would ask people why they got married, or what was great about it. Often the response I got was, "you won't know until you do it." Once I got married my response was the same. Now, I think I understand that it is similar to having children. In my mind, marriage is about being committed to a person in a way that I was only ever committed to myself. I always put my wife first and this is a healthy exercise. It's similar to having children in this way, children forces you, or should, to put someone else ahead of yourself. This helps by presenting new perspectives that allow us understand ourselves, our value and our position in new ways. I have said elsewhere that I think this is part of what makes us fully formed people rather than remaining entitled children. I'm not saying this is the only way, but appears to me to be a very effective method of resetting our egos and expanding our understanding - marriage and children. Furthermore, I think it's worth mentioning you don't have to give-up any of your drive, pursuits or determination to commit to another person. We are a team. I am trying to launch a startup, which is relevant for many others here. It's been a long, difficult few years. My wife has made all the difference. I am a solo founder and we are each other's support team. Most importantly the type of marriage you have is entirely up to you. My wife and I operate on a clear system of brutal honesty and communication. I think that if you put the team ahead of yourself, and your partner does the same, it's just a matter of negotiating details. We haven't been married long, and regardless of what the future holds, I have already realized more value in being married than if I had not done it. Finally, I am not selling marriage, it's not for everyone. However, I had similar thoughts at around your age and no one offered this perspective. I hope you find it helpful.
- throwaway238723 10y ago
  Thank you! That's a great perspective. What did you do in the mean time between 30 and 38? Did you date many people? What made you settle down with the person you're with now. Was is time/age? The right person? How do you know if it's the right person (I know, big questions here haha!)
CuriouslyC 10y ago
The question is, do you have meaning in your life? Romantic marriage is just a way to find meaning, by devoting yourself to someone else. If that sort of meaning appeals to you, then be open to marriage. If that doesn't appeal to you, or you aren't willing to make other meanings in your life secondary, marriage probably isn't going to work out. Regardless of what you decide, don't be one of those people who is looking for someone to marry. For it to work, marriage really has to be a natural evolution of the relationship.
informatimago 10y ago
It's too late! Seriously. The worst advice parents give to children, is to wait before settling down and having children. To wait for anything: having fun, studies, carrier, whatever the reason. On the contrary, parents should help children to get married and start making babies as soon as possible once they're adult. Because otherwise, as you mention it, you get to hear what's really like to have a family, and the more time passes, the more you come to realize what a crazy thing it would be, and the less you become inclined to do it. No, this is something that should be done before you come to your senses, while you're still a crazy young adult yourself! And also, while you still have the energy to have three lifes at the same time! Soldiers are sent to wars in their twenties. They shouldn't be sent there without having a wife and one or more babies already. Therefore people should marry very early, so they're ready to be sent to wars and be possibly killed, with their children already born! Economically, it makes also much more sense to have babies early. Imagine you have a son at 20, then you study till 24, start your business and develop it. 16 years later, your business has grown, like your 20 years old son, who can then start working with you in the family business. 20 years later, your grand-son is ready to start working with your and your son in your business, and you're not even thinking in retirement yet! So, you're 30. That's not too late, but I would say hurry, because soon you'll start to feel tired, and also it will become more and more expensive, for a guy, to find a woman in age of having babies about your same age: you will have to find younger and younger a woman, and this is expensive. (Despite menopause age being about 50 years old, women often cannot make healthy babies after 30 or 35 years old). So hurry! And good luck!

robertcope 10y ago

Well, for one thing, settling down isn't something you can go out and buy or manufacture. Finding the right person and the right time is hard and also a bit of luck. One thing I would consider, though, is that the older you are, the harder kids become and the less of their life you'll get to see. I was 37 when my kid was born and I wish I'd had her a bit earlier.

throwaway238723 10y ago
Thanks! How did you approach the process of finding the right person? As a purposeful thing or just let it happen by serendipity?
- robertcope 10y ago
  I had no approach, it just happened. But you have to be out and doing things for it to happen, they're not going to show up on your couch one day while you're playing video games or watching TV, that is for sure. Well, unless you order a bride or something.

throwaway238723 10y ago

P.S. I have no big trouble dating, I've also had 3Y+ relationships. Just didn't feel like I was ready to give everything up and settle down.

endswapper 10y ago

To offer a little context, I am not someone who has ever done things the "right," or "normal" way. It doesn't matter if it's school, career, relationships, whatever, I have always done things that feel right to me for me. I am 38 and I have been married for ~2.5 years, no kids. Marriage was never a priority, nor were children. Getting married for societal acceptance, or FOMO are not good reasons. Marriage has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Before I was married I would ask people why they got married, or what was great about it. Often the response I got was, "you won't know until you do it." Once I got married my response was the same. Now, I think I understand that it is similar to having children. In my mind, marriage is about being committed to a person in a way that I was only ever committed to myself. I always put my wife first and this is a healthy exercise. It's similar to having children in this way, children forces you, or should, to put someone else ahead of yourself. This helps by presenting new perspectives that allow us understand ourselves, our value and our position in new ways. I have said elsewhere that I think this is part of what makes us fully formed people rather than remaining entitled children. I'm not saying this is the only way, but appears to me to be a very effective method of resetting our egos and expanding our understanding - marriage and children. Furthermore, I think it's worth mentioning you don't have to give-up any of your drive, pursuits or determination to commit to another person. We are a team. I am trying to launch a startup, which is relevant for many others here. It's been a long, difficult few years. My wife has made all the difference. I am a solo founder and we are each other's support team. Most importantly the type of marriage you have is entirely up to you. My wife and I operate on a clear system of brutal honesty and communication. I think that if you put the team ahead of yourself, and your partner does the same, it's just a matter of negotiating details. We haven't been married long, and regardless of what the future holds, I have already realized more value in being married than if I had not done it. Finally, I am not selling marriage, it's not for everyone. However, I had similar thoughts at around your age and no one offered this perspective. I hope you find it helpful.

throwaway238723 10y ago
Thank you! That's a great perspective. What did you do in the mean time between 30 and 38? Did you date many people? What made you settle down with the person you're with now. Was is time/age? The right person? How do you know if it's the right person (I know, big questions here haha!)

CuriouslyC 10y ago

The question is, do you have meaning in your life? Romantic marriage is just a way to find meaning, by devoting yourself to someone else. If that sort of meaning appeals to you, then be open to marriage. If that doesn't appeal to you, or you aren't willing to make other meanings in your life secondary, marriage probably isn't going to work out. Regardless of what you decide, don't be one of those people who is looking for someone to marry. For it to work, marriage really has to be a natural evolution of the relationship.

informatimago 10y ago

It's too late! Seriously. The worst advice parents give to children, is to wait before settling down and having children. To wait for anything: having fun, studies, carrier, whatever the reason. On the contrary, parents should help children to get married and start making babies as soon as possible once they're adult. Because otherwise, as you mention it, you get to hear what's really like to have a family, and the more time passes, the more you come to realize what a crazy thing it would be, and the less you become inclined to do it. No, this is something that should be done before you come to your senses, while you're still a crazy young adult yourself! And also, while you still have the energy to have three lifes at the same time! Soldiers are sent to wars in their twenties. They shouldn't be sent there without having a wife and one or more babies already. Therefore people should marry very early, so they're ready to be sent to wars and be possibly killed, with their children already born! Economically, it makes also much more sense to have babies early. Imagine you have a son at 20, then you study till 24, start your business and develop it. 16 years later, your business has grown, like your 20 years old son, who can then start working with you in the family business. 20 years later, your grand-son is ready to start working with your and your son in your business, and you're not even thinking in retirement yet! So, you're 30. That's not too late, but I would say hurry, because soon you'll start to feel tired, and also it will become more and more expensive, for a guy, to find a woman in age of having babies about your same age: you will have to find younger and younger a woman, and this is expensive. (Despite menopause age being about 50 years old, women often cannot make healthy babies after 30 or 35 years old). So hurry! And good luck!