4 ms·

I think it wouldn't be wrong to guess that HN hosts a larger loner base than the general public. Most of us are introverts and we start life with a hindrance wh

I think it wouldn't be wrong to guess that HN hosts a larger loner base than the general public. Most of us are introverts and we start life with a hindrance when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As we grow older, the gap between our communication skills and general public's grow wider. (It seems very similar to relative age effect.*) In a different world where communicators are scarce, we would be forced to be better communicators by our peers and elders; like we push children to learn math and science, or (lately) programming. To our detriment world is full of able communicators and they can't understand why we can't communicate better.I think of it this way: I sincerely can't understand why a person fails to understand basic programming concepts like a while loop and the communicators (extroverts if you'd like) can't understand why we can't handle small talk. The problem grows bigger and harder to handle because our natural inclinations are toward subjects that are deemed smarter(scarce I'd say) and we start seeing ourselves smarter and more skilled which leads to superiority complex: We start thinking and behaving as if we are above the things that make us feel inferior in the first place. We start to think that we create tangible things while others babble all day. We become living examples of Dunning–Kruger effect when it comes to interpersonal relations. Nobody likes a smartass, so people leave us alone with our huge Egos. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relative_age_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relative_age_effect

borplk 10y ago
I strongly disagree with most of what you have described. A lack of interest in certain topics or unwillingness to engage in particular activities does not automatically imply that I think those are below me or that I'm superior. I'm simply indifferent. This is a popular misunderstanding that people keep repeating over and over again "Oh he doesn't like X he must think he is too good for that.". Second I disagree with the notion that complying with the social norm is "social/communication skill" while an unwillingness to conform, or being slightly different from the norm somehow means defective or low "communication skill". I know damn well how to conform and make everyone approve of me and praise me for "communication skills" but I simply don't want to. If I don't dive into the smalltalk that's because I have no desire to do so, not because of my communication skills. It's like a bunch of introverts blaming the others for not having good "solitude skills". How come we don't fault extroverts for not being able to shut up for a while?
- yigitcakar 10y ago
  My point to take was communication is a skill and like every other skill, there is a gap in understanding between masters and novices. It happens everywhere; expert carpenters forget how they first started so they can't relate to their apprentices. In every practice, the basics are ingrained into master's psyche and they can't understand how you can't handle such a simple task. In every skill there are protocols to learn as a beginner and small talk is where you start when it comes to communication. I think that people are like programming languages. Each one of us are Turing complete, but each one of us are suited better for different tasks. Small talk is the "Hello World" of human interaction. You start understanding other people's syntax and how they function through small talk. Extroverts understand that innately. You can't move on to deeper subjects with another person until you understand what they are made of. We tend to dismiss small talk as unimportant so we fail to build rapport with our peers. Without rapport, our relations and the topics we discuss stay shallow. We start misjudging other people as shallow based on our interactions, failing to recognize our indifference toward other people is the root cause of this shallowness. Communication is the pillar human society is built upon so it is a good idea to master its intricacies. Especially in this age if you want to build anything worthwhile, you have to have a deep understanding of how to communicate with others. If you have that understanding kudos to you. We generally fail to understand that, and my first comment was exploring why I personally failed and became lonelier over time, hoping that it might help someone in a similar situation since being and feeling lonely is not good for the long term.* To answer your last question; I think "mindfulness" is just introverts blaming others for not having good solitude skills and doing something about it. Thank you for this interaction. * There is a longitudinal Harvard study on happiness, you might want to watch the TED talk of its director : https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good...

borplk 10y ago

I strongly disagree with most of what you have described. A lack of interest in certain topics or unwillingness to engage in particular activities does not automatically imply that I think those are below me or that I'm superior. I'm simply indifferent. This is a popular misunderstanding that people keep repeating over and over again "Oh he doesn't like X he must think he is too good for that.". Second I disagree with the notion that complying with the social norm is "social/communication skill" while an unwillingness to conform, or being slightly different from the norm somehow means defective or low "communication skill". I know damn well how to conform and make everyone approve of me and praise me for "communication skills" but I simply don't want to. If I don't dive into the smalltalk that's because I have no desire to do so, not because of my communication skills. It's like a bunch of introverts blaming the others for not having good "solitude skills". How come we don't fault extroverts for not being able to shut up for a while?

yigitcakar 10y ago
My point to take was communication is a skill and like every other skill, there is a gap in understanding between masters and novices. It happens everywhere; expert carpenters forget how they first started so they can't relate to their apprentices. In every practice, the basics are ingrained into master's psyche and they can't understand how you can't handle such a simple task. In every skill there are protocols to learn as a beginner and small talk is where you start when it comes to communication. I think that people are like programming languages. Each one of us are Turing complete, but each one of us are suited better for different tasks. Small talk is the "Hello World" of human interaction. You start understanding other people's syntax and how they function through small talk. Extroverts understand that innately. You can't move on to deeper subjects with another person until you understand what they are made of. We tend to dismiss small talk as unimportant so we fail to build rapport with our peers. Without rapport, our relations and the topics we discuss stay shallow. We start misjudging other people as shallow based on our interactions, failing to recognize our indifference toward other people is the root cause of this shallowness. Communication is the pillar human society is built upon so it is a good idea to master its intricacies. Especially in this age if you want to build anything worthwhile, you have to have a deep understanding of how to communicate with others. If you have that understanding kudos to you. We generally fail to understand that, and my first comment was exploring why I personally failed and became lonelier over time, hoping that it might help someone in a similar situation since being and feeling lonely is not good for the long term.* To answer your last question; I think "mindfulness" is just introverts blaming others for not having good solitude skills and doing something about it. Thank you for this interaction. * There is a longitudinal Harvard study on happiness, you might want to watch the TED talk of its director : https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good...