4 ms·

> as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie,

by ikeyany 10y ago

> as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would be enough. But the things you described are meaningful. Watching movies, playing games, and spending precious time doing "pointless" things are what life is about, in a sense. No one wants to hang out with someone who makes them feel worthless, that their mere companionship is a waste of time. Maybe take a step back and realize that other supposedly less interesting people are actually very interesting in their own ways. That is, assuming you want friends.

ori_b 10y ago
> That is, assuming you want friends. I thought that the point was that he didn't.
- ikeyany 10y ago
  I got the impression that he was rationalizing being anti-social, i.e. "I'm too good for them anyway."
  - adrusi 10y ago
    That wasn't implied. He only said he lost interest in his friends.
  - pmoriarty 10y ago
    It's not about who's better than whom. It's about incompatibility. Most people are interested in things I'm not interested in, and the things I am interested in aren't interesting to most people. They want to do or talk about what I don't, and I want to do or talk about things they don't. I've just come to realize my fundamental incompatibility with most of the people who I considered friends in the past. That doesn't mean that I feel I'm better than them in any way, just that we're not compatible. So I'd rather just be by myself -- as, except in my darkest moods, I'm pretty compatible with myself. That doesn't mean that I don't ever crave a deep, meaningful connection with others, and I have achieved that (though very rarely) before, but as I'm not very social, that's pretty hard for me to do.. not to mention that there are always prices to pay (from time and effort invested in finding/cultivating the relationship, to the pain and suffering when it ends, privacy/independence costs, etc), so most of the time I really don't want to bother. So much easier and safer to just curl up by myself with a good book in the evening.
    - yarou 10y ago
      I think your response is more a critique of the system of control we live under. You can never truly connect with people anymore, only through cheap channels (mainly walled gardens) that trivialize friendship to begin with. Friendship as a word had more meaning before the advent of social media. Now it's become depersonalized: followers, Facebook/Instagram friends, Snapchat followers, Tinder pseudo-relationships, etc. I've found the walled gardens to be the main problem. When I hopped on my Pentium II with my 28.8k modem, I met some of the most interesting people in the world. I still communicate with some to this day, but it's harder and harder to discover new friendships past a certain age. I'd say your solution might be found in a different environment - perhaps a different state or country?
      - pmoriarty 10y ago
        Actually, I was thinking more of "real-life" relationships than online ones. Online it's even worse in some ways, as you point out, but better in others, as you can easily find a niche of people interested in whatever obscure thing you might be interested in at the moment -- though whether you can leverage that common interest to a meaningful relationship is quite another story. As for moving, I've done that many times in my life. I've found that for me, unless I already know somebody in the place I'm moving to, and can meet people through them, I have a very difficult time making new friends. And there's virtually no one I know well anywhere any more. I think what it ultimately boils down to is not being very social to begin with, combined with some social phobia, with mostly non-mainstream interests, and being content enough with my own company most of the time. That's lead to a lifetime of habits and choices that have resulted in the withering of my friendships the lack of enough motivation to make much effort to get new ones. Most of the time I don't even think about it, and when I do, I just wonder why I should bother, as my attempts usually lead to nothing or just more pain and suffering. It doesn't help that the people I'd probably have the most in common with probably aren't very social themselves and have problems making friends too.
      - justinlardinois 10y ago
        This is just "kids today and their loud music" hang wringing. Social media is no substitute for meaningful interaction, but does anyone actually think it is? It's a nice middle ground between having someone important and involved in your life and hardly communicating with them at all; just because I don't want/can't maintain the former with someone doesn't mean I want the latter. Tinder's a weird one to group in there, since it's geared towards meeting new people, not keeping up with your friends. Also > You can never truly connect with people anymore Why not? You can still go outside and talk to people.
  - ionised 10y ago
    That's not the impression I got.

by ikeyany 10y ago

ori_b 10y ago

> That is, assuming you want friends. I thought that the point was that he didn't.

ikeyany 10y ago
I got the impression that he was rationalizing being anti-social, i.e. "I'm too good for them anyway."
- adrusi 10y ago
  That wasn't implied. He only said he lost interest in his friends.
- pmoriarty 10y ago
  It's not about who's better than whom. It's about incompatibility. Most people are interested in things I'm not interested in, and the things I am interested in aren't interesting to most people. They want to do or talk about what I don't, and I want to do or talk about things they don't. I've just come to realize my fundamental incompatibility with most of the people who I considered friends in the past. That doesn't mean that I feel I'm better than them in any way, just that we're not compatible. So I'd rather just be by myself -- as, except in my darkest moods, I'm pretty compatible with myself. That doesn't mean that I don't ever crave a deep, meaningful connection with others, and I have achieved that (though very rarely) before, but as I'm not very social, that's pretty hard for me to do.. not to mention that there are always prices to pay (from time and effort invested in finding/cultivating the relationship, to the pain and suffering when it ends, privacy/independence costs, etc), so most of the time I really don't want to bother. So much easier and safer to just curl up by myself with a good book in the evening.
  - yarou 10y ago
    I think your response is more a critique of the system of control we live under. You can never truly connect with people anymore, only through cheap channels (mainly walled gardens) that trivialize friendship to begin with. Friendship as a word had more meaning before the advent of social media. Now it's become depersonalized: followers, Facebook/Instagram friends, Snapchat followers, Tinder pseudo-relationships, etc. I've found the walled gardens to be the main problem. When I hopped on my Pentium II with my 28.8k modem, I met some of the most interesting people in the world. I still communicate with some to this day, but it's harder and harder to discover new friendships past a certain age. I'd say your solution might be found in a different environment - perhaps a different state or country?
    - pmoriarty 10y ago
      Actually, I was thinking more of "real-life" relationships than online ones. Online it's even worse in some ways, as you point out, but better in others, as you can easily find a niche of people interested in whatever obscure thing you might be interested in at the moment -- though whether you can leverage that common interest to a meaningful relationship is quite another story. As for moving, I've done that many times in my life. I've found that for me, unless I already know somebody in the place I'm moving to, and can meet people through them, I have a very difficult time making new friends. And there's virtually no one I know well anywhere any more. I think what it ultimately boils down to is not being very social to begin with, combined with some social phobia, with mostly non-mainstream interests, and being content enough with my own company most of the time. That's lead to a lifetime of habits and choices that have resulted in the withering of my friendships the lack of enough motivation to make much effort to get new ones. Most of the time I don't even think about it, and when I do, I just wonder why I should bother, as my attempts usually lead to nothing or just more pain and suffering. It doesn't help that the people I'd probably have the most in common with probably aren't very social themselves and have problems making friends too.
    - justinlardinois 10y ago
      This is just "kids today and their loud music" hang wringing. Social media is no substitute for meaningful interaction, but does anyone actually think it is? It's a nice middle ground between having someone important and involved in your life and hardly communicating with them at all; just because I don't want/can't maintain the former with someone doesn't mean I want the latter. Tinder's a weird one to group in there, since it's geared towards meeting new people, not keeping up with your friends. Also > You can never truly connect with people anymore Why not? You can still go outside and talk to people.
- ionised 10y ago
  That's not the impression I got.