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>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding

>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding people I have more "in common with," but I've ended up at a place where I think the idea of "best friends" is kind of an overblown myth, or at least it's a LOT rarer than people think it is. What's the fun in hanging out with someone who's the same as you, anyway? I'm come to realize that, while I tend to think I'm losing touch with old friends because "we don't have a lot in common anymore," it's far more often just because one or both of us is being a shitty friend and the relationship isn't giving enough satisfaction in return to continue investing in maintaining it for one or both parties. >how rarely we talked about or did anything that was really meaningful for me But really, if you always did "meaningful" things and always had "meaningful" conversations with your friends, then nothing would actually stand out as "meaningful." Maybe there are other reasons to converse and hang out with people than finding deep meaning in everything. Most people seeking out that deeper "meaning" tend to have to find it for themselves, they don't just discover a perfect group of like-minded individuals who can evoke the meaning of life from their deep, intellectual conversations with each other. >sometimes I notice some couples or groups of friends around me, having fun, laughing together, and it bothers me I think this is sort of a social darwinism version of the imposter syndrome. It seems so easy when you see a group of people laughing together. It seems like they just effortlessly entertain each other, but nobody sees the inner workings behind the scenes. Nobody sees the fact that Jenny secretly hates Stacy, but hides it because the group is fun to hang out with and Stacy is always there, or that Steve is dating Brian's ex and Brian says it's fine but really secretly hates it, etc... This idea where you see couples or groups of people who just seem to effortlessly get along, and it seems like they aren't even trying is totally false. Sure, there are people for whom social skills come far more naturally, but relationships of any kind take effort by both parties to maintain and grow.

pmoriarty 10y ago
> What do you mean by this, specifically? Well, I guess I can elaborate a bit. I have a bunch of obscure interests, and most people haven't even heard of them, much less share them or are nearly as interested in them as I am. I used to be ok with that, and would hang out with people who would want to talk about and do things that I have absolutely no interest in, but after a while I realized that I was wasting my time doing that. I'd rather just spend the time by myself, reading about, learning, or doing things that I was interested in. One thing I take great refuge in is reading old books by or about truly great authors and people, and they're always interested in and talk about exactly the things I am interested in, simply because I choose to read only those books which are about what I'm interested in (or am open to becoming interested in). From time to time, I've joined clubs or gone to meetups of people who are interested in one of the things that I am interested in, but then it's rare for them to be interested in the other obscure things I'm interested in. And I guess that's where I get too picky for my own good, as there's really little chance of finding people who share all or even a significant fraction of the obscure stuff I'm interested in. Not that it has to be all about common interests. If I could somehow make a deep connection with someone I could see myself getting interested in some of the things they were interested in, or vice-versa. But that's hard to do if you don't already have something in common to begin with. As to your point about what's happening behind the scenes of a superficially happy looking group of people, I recognize that it may not (and probably isn't) quite as idyllic as it looks on the surface, and that recognition gives me even less reason to seek companionship with other people. There's often a lot of pain and effort involved, and for me it's just not worth it. It's so much easier and simpler to just stay my own best (and only) friend.
- deleted 10y ago
  [deleted]
- Ixiaus 10y ago
  There's nothing wrong with the path you've chosen for yourself but I can say based on my anecdotal experience that human social dynamics, particularly in groups, can be counter-intuitive and are definitely a "you get what you put in" kind of thing (not to be confused with being a doormat for your "friends"). I think it's remarkably important to surround yourself with people that are meaningful to you; that to me is different from things in common. Having things in common helps provide a medium for bonding but it's rarely the specific activity that is the focus for bonding, it's the shared experience that is. There are lots of people that I call friends with whom I have little in-common, but there's a specific experience I've had with them or perhaps one specific thing to bond over that has created a strong connection. Meaningful conversation is important too but I often find that trying to have a conversation I want to have can be productive. Many people are actually very interested in different ways of thinking or approaching life.
- Paul_S 10y ago
  You're on the Internet. Can't you just tell us what those obscure interests are?
- swift 10y ago
  I have to say you've really piqued my interest. What are some of the obscure things you're interested in?
- Aenima 10y ago
  My interests rarely align well with other people. If they do, then there are usually one or two interests. However, many of the activities that have stuck with me are a willingness to try another's interest for some time. They would not have incubated without the initial effort. You are completely justified in your solitude. As you said, it works for you. Yet I still believe meaningful connections (and personal growth) are abound without superficiality if you are willing to give it time and effort. ...Sometimes I believe it is the disparity between myself and another that leads to a lasting, meaningful connection more so than the similarity.
Thriptic 10y ago
I've found that I too have stopped hanging out with a lot of old friends, mainly because our friendships were based on circumstance / proximity or shared hardship more than shared values / thought processes / beliefs. Most of my strongest friendships have tended to happen with people who share some of the same core values that I do but who are fundamentally different than me in other ways. This makes the relationship very rewarding as every conversation is a potential learning or growth opportunity for both parties.

pmoriarty 10y ago

> What do you mean by this, specifically? Well, I guess I can elaborate a bit. I have a bunch of obscure interests, and most people haven't even heard of them, much less share them or are nearly as interested in them as I am. I used to be ok with that, and would hang out with people who would want to talk about and do things that I have absolutely no interest in, but after a while I realized that I was wasting my time doing that. I'd rather just spend the time by myself, reading about, learning, or doing things that I was interested in. One thing I take great refuge in is reading old books by or about truly great authors and people, and they're always interested in and talk about exactly the things I am interested in, simply because I choose to read only those books which are about what I'm interested in (or am open to becoming interested in). From time to time, I've joined clubs or gone to meetups of people who are interested in one of the things that I am interested in, but then it's rare for them to be interested in the other obscure things I'm interested in. And I guess that's where I get too picky for my own good, as there's really little chance of finding people who share all or even a significant fraction of the obscure stuff I'm interested in. Not that it has to be all about common interests. If I could somehow make a deep connection with someone I could see myself getting interested in some of the things they were interested in, or vice-versa. But that's hard to do if you don't already have something in common to begin with. As to your point about what's happening behind the scenes of a superficially happy looking group of people, I recognize that it may not (and probably isn't) quite as idyllic as it looks on the surface, and that recognition gives me even less reason to seek companionship with other people. There's often a lot of pain and effort involved, and for me it's just not worth it. It's so much easier and simpler to just stay my own best (and only) friend.

deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
Ixiaus 10y ago
There's nothing wrong with the path you've chosen for yourself but I can say based on my anecdotal experience that human social dynamics, particularly in groups, can be counter-intuitive and are definitely a "you get what you put in" kind of thing (not to be confused with being a doormat for your "friends"). I think it's remarkably important to surround yourself with people that are meaningful to you; that to me is different from things in common. Having things in common helps provide a medium for bonding but it's rarely the specific activity that is the focus for bonding, it's the shared experience that is. There are lots of people that I call friends with whom I have little in-common, but there's a specific experience I've had with them or perhaps one specific thing to bond over that has created a strong connection. Meaningful conversation is important too but I often find that trying to have a conversation I want to have can be productive. Many people are actually very interested in different ways of thinking or approaching life.
Paul_S 10y ago
You're on the Internet. Can't you just tell us what those obscure interests are?
swift 10y ago
I have to say you've really piqued my interest. What are some of the obscure things you're interested in?
Aenima 10y ago
My interests rarely align well with other people. If they do, then there are usually one or two interests. However, many of the activities that have stuck with me are a willingness to try another's interest for some time. They would not have incubated without the initial effort. You are completely justified in your solitude. As you said, it works for you. Yet I still believe meaningful connections (and personal growth) are abound without superficiality if you are willing to give it time and effort. ...Sometimes I believe it is the disparity between myself and another that leads to a lasting, meaningful connection more so than the similarity.

Thriptic 10y ago

I've found that I too have stopped hanging out with a lot of old friends, mainly because our friendships were based on circumstance / proximity or shared hardship more than shared values / thought processes / beliefs. Most of my strongest friendships have tended to happen with people who share some of the same core values that I do but who are fundamentally different than me in other ways. This makes the relationship very rewarding as every conversation is a potential learning or growth opportunity for both parties.