14 ms·

I miss being alone so much I could cry. It wasn't long ago that I could get up in the morning to my empty apartment, stay in my apartment all day (I worked from

by Swizec 10y ago

I miss being alone so much I could cry. It wasn't long ago that I could get up in the morning to my empty apartment, stay in my apartment all day (I worked from home), and only see people when I felt like it. Throwing massive parties for 50+ people every month or so works amazingly well for both socialization and increasing your social standing. Nowadays I work from an office with a bunch of other people around me at all times. When I come home, there's my girlfriend. Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent, but sometimes I just wish I could come home to an empty apartment, you know? Late nights are the last bastion of aloneness I can get. But how long can I maintain a schedule of going to bed at 2am or 3am and being bright and ready at the office by 10am? it works for now, but I'll be 30 next year. Surely there are limits. The funny thing is that this prevalence of forced-upon social contact makes me too tired to build a real social network. I just don't have the energy to hang out with friends, or even much inclination to see them. This often makes me feel lonelier than I ever did when I spent 90% of my days alone.

nibs 10y ago
My fiance is extremely introverted. We eventually realized that she needed this "apartment to myself" feeling at least once a week in order to function in the real world and do the extrovert obligations she needed to do. So we instituted "introvert time", where I work late until around 10PM and leave our place to her for about five hours after she gets home. This is enough for her to take the time to walk around undressed, read articles, make some food, watch junk TV and enjoy the silence before I get home. Relationship-defining quality of life improvement. I similarly enjoy working late knowing it is creating value (as opposed to feeling guilty and conflicted, which eventually becomes burnout). Highly recommend it.
- whoozhat 10y ago
  curious... what are you guys gonna do when you have kids?
  - mhurron 10y ago
    Why do you act like they have to?
  - benologist 10y ago
    He currently works overtime to give her time alone. Only thing that changes is work stops solving the problem of how to be out of the house.
    - nibs 10y ago
      This. I will take the kids somewhere to do something while she is alone. Otherwise same deal. It is worth it net net.
  - r00fus 10y ago
    They parents grow up. You don't realize how much more growing up you have to do until you have kids.
  - Grishnakh 10y ago
    Suffer. Why do you think married couples with kids are always so miserable?
- new_hackers 10y ago
  I think this is the same as what most suburbanites experience. The "garage", "man-cave", "fishing" etc is not always just for the guys. It basically allows the women to have some downtime for themselves. It took me a little while to learn in my married life that spending Saturday morning doing outside chores allowed me to have a much more satisfying Saturday night.
unabst 10y ago
> Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent I know it's none of my business, but even if it's somewhere tiny or far, getting your own place might be the best thing you've ever done... Just throwing it out there. (It is my strong conviction that love and rent should not be in the same sentence.)
- Swizec 10y ago
  Love and rent are always in the same sentence. I have a very pragmatic view of longterm relationships in that they are 50% love, 50% practical matters and benefits that come from joining lives. For both parties. Especially for any potential 3rd parties. It's like getting a business partner for your personal life.
wastedhours 10y ago
Agree with the point that being surrounded by people at work (who I've tried to connect with, but share little in common with than work-related humour) makes me less inclined to push myself socially. It's just too damn exhausting. London's supposed to be one of the best cities for "things", but my social tank is running flat after another day at work, but which contributes to loneliness.
et-al 10y ago
> When I come home, there's my girlfriend. Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent, but sometimes I just wish I could come home to an empty apartment, you know? This may be naïve, but have you and her talked about this? I understand it may be possible for her to interpret wrong, but it sounds like something that you two can work out without needing to rent a separate apartment.
- Swizec 10y ago
  It's more like, if I'm going to have roommates anyway, I want it to be my girlfriend. And I do enjoy living with her, it's just that I also miss being alone. She'd probably spend a lot of time at my place, or vice-versa, anyway so it definitely makes sense to live together. It's also one of those things that are nearly impossible to back down from without harming the relationship once you reach this stage.
  - et-al 10y ago
    Yeah, what I was getting at was maybe setting aside a few days in the week when you come back to an empty apartment. I've been in relationships where I've spent a weekend at hers, but tell her I need to go for a walk by myself. It may come off weird, but most of them have been cool with it once I explain and offer reassurance that it's not because the relationship is fracturing.
orthoganol 10y ago
> and increasing your social standing As a scrappy programmer who spends a lot of hours each week working in solitude on projects, I know I would simply fail in my pursuits if I cared in any deep, identifying way about "social status." It's the type of mindset I've been trying to escape for years after attending an elite university that had an annoyingly sizable amount of people with 'country club' mindsets (albeit a country club of smart people). I just personally think there are pretty strict limits on the amount of success you can achieve if you find it too difficult to depart with a mindset of maintaining social status. It will endanger your independent thinking in subtle ways, as well as the sincerity of your motivations. Pretty sure even YC is on alert about founders who are interested in the 'social status' that goes with having a YC startup, for good reasons.
- Swizec 10y ago
  Calling yourself a scrappy programmer and denouncing social standing improves your social standing with other programmers. Surprise, we're social animals, we care deeply and intrinsically about this crap. Best to embrace it and understand it for what it is. That way at least you're in control. There are a lot of pragmatic benefits that come from having good social standing. Everything from an emotional support structure when things go wrong, to ease of accessing resources when you need them. For example: if you alienate everyone around you and destroy your social standing, then nobody will help you when your startup blows up and you're about to get kicked out on the street. You'll need a couch to crash on for a few days, but nobody to ask for it.
bogomipz 10y ago
What are you referring to here? "this prevalence of forced-upon social contact makes me too tired to build a real social network"
- Swizec 10y ago
  I'm around people all day every day. This leaves me too tired to work on having real friends. As a result, I'm lonely because I have no real friends. Sure I have my girlfriend and she's awesome, but you can't bitch about your girlfriend to your girlfriend, you know? Here's an example from Scrubs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bExo_DpfokI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bExo_DpfokI "Nothing sucks as much as feeling all alone no matter how many people are around"

by Swizec 10y ago

nibs 10y ago

My fiance is extremely introverted. We eventually realized that she needed this "apartment to myself" feeling at least once a week in order to function in the real world and do the extrovert obligations she needed to do. So we instituted "introvert time", where I work late until around 10PM and leave our place to her for about five hours after she gets home. This is enough for her to take the time to walk around undressed, read articles, make some food, watch junk TV and enjoy the silence before I get home. Relationship-defining quality of life improvement. I similarly enjoy working late knowing it is creating value (as opposed to feeling guilty and conflicted, which eventually becomes burnout). Highly recommend it.

whoozhat 10y ago
curious... what are you guys gonna do when you have kids?
- mhurron 10y ago
  Why do you act like they have to?
- benologist 10y ago
  He currently works overtime to give her time alone. Only thing that changes is work stops solving the problem of how to be out of the house.
  - nibs 10y ago
    This. I will take the kids somewhere to do something while she is alone. Otherwise same deal. It is worth it net net.
- r00fus 10y ago
  They parents grow up. You don't realize how much more growing up you have to do until you have kids.
- Grishnakh 10y ago
  Suffer. Why do you think married couples with kids are always so miserable?
new_hackers 10y ago
I think this is the same as what most suburbanites experience. The "garage", "man-cave", "fishing" etc is not always just for the guys. It basically allows the women to have some downtime for themselves. It took me a little while to learn in my married life that spending Saturday morning doing outside chores allowed me to have a much more satisfying Saturday night.

unabst 10y ago

> Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent I know it's none of my business, but even if it's somewhere tiny or far, getting your own place might be the best thing you've ever done... Just throwing it out there. (It is my strong conviction that love and rent should not be in the same sentence.)

Swizec 10y ago
Love and rent are always in the same sentence. I have a very pragmatic view of longterm relationships in that they are 50% love, 50% practical matters and benefits that come from joining lives. For both parties. Especially for any potential 3rd parties. It's like getting a business partner for your personal life.

wastedhours 10y ago

Agree with the point that being surrounded by people at work (who I've tried to connect with, but share little in common with than work-related humour) makes me less inclined to push myself socially. It's just too damn exhausting. London's supposed to be one of the best cities for "things", but my social tank is running flat after another day at work, but which contributes to loneliness.

et-al 10y ago

> When I come home, there's my girlfriend. Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent, but sometimes I just wish I could come home to an empty apartment, you know? This may be naïve, but have you and her talked about this? I understand it may be possible for her to interpret wrong, but it sounds like something that you two can work out without needing to rent a separate apartment.

Swizec 10y ago
It's more like, if I'm going to have roommates anyway, I want it to be my girlfriend. And I do enjoy living with her, it's just that I also miss being alone. She'd probably spend a lot of time at my place, or vice-versa, anyway so it definitely makes sense to live together. It's also one of those things that are nearly impossible to back down from without harming the relationship once you reach this stage.
- et-al 10y ago
  Yeah, what I was getting at was maybe setting aside a few days in the week when you come back to an empty apartment. I've been in relationships where I've spent a weekend at hers, but tell her I need to go for a walk by myself. It may come off weird, but most of them have been cool with it once I explain and offer reassurance that it's not because the relationship is fracturing.

orthoganol 10y ago

> and increasing your social standing As a scrappy programmer who spends a lot of hours each week working in solitude on projects, I know I would simply fail in my pursuits if I cared in any deep, identifying way about "social status." It's the type of mindset I've been trying to escape for years after attending an elite university that had an annoyingly sizable amount of people with 'country club' mindsets (albeit a country club of smart people). I just personally think there are pretty strict limits on the amount of success you can achieve if you find it too difficult to depart with a mindset of maintaining social status. It will endanger your independent thinking in subtle ways, as well as the sincerity of your motivations. Pretty sure even YC is on alert about founders who are interested in the 'social status' that goes with having a YC startup, for good reasons.

Swizec 10y ago
Calling yourself a scrappy programmer and denouncing social standing improves your social standing with other programmers. Surprise, we're social animals, we care deeply and intrinsically about this crap. Best to embrace it and understand it for what it is. That way at least you're in control. There are a lot of pragmatic benefits that come from having good social standing. Everything from an emotional support structure when things go wrong, to ease of accessing resources when you need them. For example: if you alienate everyone around you and destroy your social standing, then nobody will help you when your startup blows up and you're about to get kicked out on the street. You'll need a couch to crash on for a few days, but nobody to ask for it.

bogomipz 10y ago

What are you referring to here? "this prevalence of forced-upon social contact makes me too tired to build a real social network"

Swizec 10y ago
I'm around people all day every day. This leaves me too tired to work on having real friends. As a result, I'm lonely because I have no real friends. Sure I have my girlfriend and she's awesome, but you can't bitch about your girlfriend to your girlfriend, you know? Here's an example from Scrubs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bExo_DpfokI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bExo_DpfokI "Nothing sucks as much as feeling all alone no matter how many people are around"