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Hit 30, realised I had probably done as much in my chosen field as I was likely to. Got sad, considered changing careers and slowly started getting more franti

by ry_ry 10y ago

Hit 30, realised I had probably done as much in my chosen field as I was likely to. Got sad, considered changing careers and slowly started getting more frantic about seizing my Big Chance. In the process I discovered I'm unspeakably awkward and horrible at networking. Developed a dislike for great networkers being Machiavellian shits. Didn't get my Big Chance. Turned 35, had long since stopped counting birthdays, and then one day realised that imperceptibly something had changed. I wasn't sad anymore. At least not noticably sadder than anybody else if I took the time to look. I'd come to terms with my crippling imposter syndrome, and was free of the quixotic trappings of my equally crippling Dunning Kruger. Read Jon Robson's psychopath test and decided I probably wasn't a sociopath either - I was just a bloke in his mid 30s. Realised I should stop self diagnosing psychological conditions via the internet. I have a great family, a good job, I wake up every morning and genuinely look forwards to spending my day doing what I do. I still harbour secret dreams of world domination, but they exist withing a framework of reassuringly tedious goals, like making sure I have enough clean pants and socks for the week. Learned to work the washing machine. Still don't like inviting people to go for a coffee.

swalsh 10y ago
> " Developed a dislike for great networkers being Machiavellian shits." I'm a bad networker, as a software engineer you rarely have the incentive to improve. I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in. Recently though I realized that I can only go so far the way I've been going. I've become noncontent with waiting for the right email to come in. So I started working on changing myself. I think the first part of networking is to start before you need the benefits from it. The second is to be more concerned with what you can give rather than what you can get (it's just like Christmas!) and finally... and this sounds really basic. You actually have to go out and do things, and you actually have to talk to people (very hard to do if you're an introvert like myself).
- therealjohn 10y ago
  1. Learn to appreciate yourself, because self confidence (when not coming out as arrogant) is attractive 2. Make sure you have a list of hobbies/interests you can relate through 3. Most importantly, be actually curious about the person (a smile helps). Everyone has amazing things to talk about, just get the person you're with to get there and do not keep the conversation focused on yourself 4. Before you ask for coffee, make sure you've had a nice enough and mutually engaging conversation. It naturally yields a better approval rate. 5. Whatever happens next is just fun and it is whatever is meant to happen. (It follows that this New Yorker article is funny in the way it's not relevant to improve one's coffee invitations success) so just loosen up and enjoy. Meeting new people is great fuel for a balanced life. It won't always be perfect, but it will often be fun. Note I'm a developer too, but I personally find a good balance between nice people and coding necessary to feel content and happy.
  - midwestcode 10y ago
    Reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" taught me a lot about networking, building relationships, and social interactions. I highly recommend reading it to anyone who feels like there's something other people have that they don't, because a lot of the time I find it's some quality found in the book.
- BJanecke 10y ago
  > " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in." This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the longer I stay in software the further detached from the general reality I will become. I love software, but I hate how much it drives me away from the rest of society.
  - therealjohn 10y ago
    Does that make it harder for you to connect with people? I found it to be the case for me when I was a developer. It would sort of make me unable to identify with the majority of people, which would tend to make me not care to interact with them as deeply as I wanted to. Having to leave my job let me spend more time with a variety of people (lots of baristas, many of them are super interesting) helped me significantly.
  - ryandrake 10y ago
    >> " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in." >This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the longer I stay in software [...] I can assure you that this is not the general job hunting scenario for software people. This may be the case for a particular engineer, or small class of highly-sought-after engineers, in a couple of very short-lived time periods of frothy hiring. The vast majority of us still have to get out there and pound the pavement like everyone else, and it's not overnight.
bootload 10y ago
"In the process I discovered I'm unspeakably awkward and horrible at networking." read this: "Design Disruptor" ~ https://thedesignteam.io/design-disruptor-b1c0c58d90b7 https://thedesignteam.io/design-disruptor-b1c0c58d90b7
CPLX 10y ago
I believe that's one of the more succinct descriptions of being English that I have read.
stevenwiles 10y ago
You are a perfect example of the type of person I am glad I will never be. You don't even realize how conceited and self-obsessed you are. You know what your problem is? You've spent your whole life feeling sorry for yourself and you can't stop doing it because it feels so good. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop being a bad person.
- ry_ry 10y ago
  Except I don't feel sorry for myself, that's kinda the point! It was a post about coming to terms with yourself, and getting on with life.

by ry_ry 10y ago

swalsh 10y ago

> " Developed a dislike for great networkers being Machiavellian shits." I'm a bad networker, as a software engineer you rarely have the incentive to improve. I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in. Recently though I realized that I can only go so far the way I've been going. I've become noncontent with waiting for the right email to come in. So I started working on changing myself. I think the first part of networking is to start before you need the benefits from it. The second is to be more concerned with what you can give rather than what you can get (it's just like Christmas!) and finally... and this sounds really basic. You actually have to go out and do things, and you actually have to talk to people (very hard to do if you're an introvert like myself).

therealjohn 10y ago
1. Learn to appreciate yourself, because self confidence (when not coming out as arrogant) is attractive 2. Make sure you have a list of hobbies/interests you can relate through 3. Most importantly, be actually curious about the person (a smile helps). Everyone has amazing things to talk about, just get the person you're with to get there and do not keep the conversation focused on yourself 4. Before you ask for coffee, make sure you've had a nice enough and mutually engaging conversation. It naturally yields a better approval rate. 5. Whatever happens next is just fun and it is whatever is meant to happen. (It follows that this New Yorker article is funny in the way it's not relevant to improve one's coffee invitations success) so just loosen up and enjoy. Meeting new people is great fuel for a balanced life. It won't always be perfect, but it will often be fun. Note I'm a developer too, but I personally find a good balance between nice people and coding necessary to feel content and happy.
- midwestcode 10y ago
  Reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" taught me a lot about networking, building relationships, and social interactions. I highly recommend reading it to anyone who feels like there's something other people have that they don't, because a lot of the time I find it's some quality found in the book.
BJanecke 10y ago
> " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in." This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the longer I stay in software the further detached from the general reality I will become. I love software, but I hate how much it drives me away from the rest of society.
- therealjohn 10y ago
  Does that make it harder for you to connect with people? I found it to be the case for me when I was a developer. It would sort of make me unable to identify with the majority of people, which would tend to make me not care to interact with them as deeply as I wanted to. Having to leave my job let me spend more time with a variety of people (lots of baristas, many of them are super interesting) helped me significantly.
- ryandrake 10y ago
  >> " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes in." >This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the longer I stay in software [...] I can assure you that this is not the general job hunting scenario for software people. This may be the case for a particular engineer, or small class of highly-sought-after engineers, in a couple of very short-lived time periods of frothy hiring. The vast majority of us still have to get out there and pound the pavement like everyone else, and it's not overnight.

bootload 10y ago

"In the process I discovered I'm unspeakably awkward and horrible at networking." read this: "Design Disruptor" ~ https://thedesignteam.io/design-disruptor-b1c0c58d90b7 https://thedesignteam.io/design-disruptor-b1c0c58d90b7

CPLX 10y ago

I believe that's one of the more succinct descriptions of being English that I have read.

stevenwiles 10y ago

You are a perfect example of the type of person I am glad I will never be. You don't even realize how conceited and self-obsessed you are. You know what your problem is? You've spent your whole life feeling sorry for yourself and you can't stop doing it because it feels so good. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop being a bad person.

ry_ry 10y ago
Except I don't feel sorry for myself, that's kinda the point! It was a post about coming to terms with yourself, and getting on with life.