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The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the co

by danbolt 10y ago

The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Just buy something and chat! Haven't you read narrations in books where the writer describes how everyone buys something different? It's exactly like that! Do as you please!

dragonwriter 10y ago
> The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Everyone knows that. If you are accepting the culturally implied subtext but rejecting the specific superficial form, you say "I don't like coffee, but maybe we could..." When people do a flat rejection, with no suggested alternative, its usually intended as a polite rejection of the culturally implied subtext, not merely the superficial form.
- emodendroket 10y ago
  The root comment is talking about not wanting to go for coffee because he doesn't like sugary coffee.
Nadya 10y ago
That's a polite denial - and in some cultures that is the proper response. Just like how some cultures require things to be asked three times. Once because it is polite to ask - the other person, if polite, is expected to refuse. Twice because it is considered polite to ask again. Only to be denied again out of politeness. The third offer is the first "real" offer at which point the recipient can accept without being rude. A conversation might go like this: "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - "Thank you, but I wouldn't want to intrude." - "I insist! If you are hungry, please stay." - "Thank you, but I'm fine." - "There is enough food to go around - are you sure you don't want to stay and eat?" - "I will, thank you. / I'm not feeling hungry, but thank you." It's really quite silly. Many cultures cut it down to only having to ask twice with the first time being the expected denial and the second time expecting an honest answer.

by danbolt 10y ago

dragonwriter 10y ago

> The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Everyone knows that. If you are accepting the culturally implied subtext but rejecting the specific superficial form, you say "I don't like coffee, but maybe we could..." When people do a flat rejection, with no suggested alternative, its usually intended as a polite rejection of the culturally implied subtext, not merely the superficial form.

emodendroket 10y ago
The root comment is talking about not wanting to go for coffee because he doesn't like sugary coffee.

Nadya 10y ago

That's a polite denial - and in some cultures that is the proper response. Just like how some cultures require things to be asked three times. Once because it is polite to ask - the other person, if polite, is expected to refuse. Twice because it is considered polite to ask again. Only to be denied again out of politeness. The third offer is the first "real" offer at which point the recipient can accept without being rude. A conversation might go like this: "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - "Thank you, but I wouldn't want to intrude." - "I insist! If you are hungry, please stay." - "Thank you, but I'm fine." - "There is enough food to go around - are you sure you don't want to stay and eat?" - "I will, thank you. / I'm not feeling hungry, but thank you." It's really quite silly. Many cultures cut it down to only having to ask twice with the first time being the expected denial and the second time expecting an honest answer.