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My insecurities all run in the opposite direction. What if someone invites me to coffee? Do I tell them I really don't like coffee? Do I tell them that I rea

My insecurities all run in the opposite direction. What if someone invites me to coffee? Do I tell them I really don't like coffee? Do I tell them that I really don't want to spend $4+ for a sugar-laden caramel frappe machia-whatever and that I'd rather just get a diet coke from the vending machine? Should I be "that guy" and get a hot chocolate that turns out to be a squirt of chocolate sauce in milk, and feel let down? Should i get a donut and nothing to drink? Once we're sitting down and talking, I'm fine. I just don't know how to deal with my little "non-conforming weirdnesses" with others.

michaelbuddy 10y ago
you order some kind of tea you've never had before and get on with your life.
- maxerickson 10y ago
  What if you've compressed a life's worth of tea drinking into just a few short years and they don't have anything new?
  - emodendroket 10y ago
    Hopefully you liked one of the ones you tried before.
  - serf 10y ago
    think of it as a hot opportunity to stare at a new ceiling with someone else.
  - hinkley 10y ago
    Until you are on a first name basis with someone who owns a tea shop, you have not tried all the teas. And if you have, try another tea shop.
balabaster 10y ago
Or don't even justify it, just get there and pick whatever you feel like or don't. When they're like "er, why didn't you get coffee?" say "Meh, I wasn't into it, I just came because I was enjoying the conversation and quite like hanging out with you" Being real always trumps being fake - even if that real looks like what you call "weird". Weird is the new normal... mostly because there is no normal. Everyone's weird; if they're not, you just don't know them well enough yet. I'd rather hang with 2 weird real people than 10 "normal" fake people - I don't even care if they don't like $4 coffees... because I don't even drink coffee.
- godshatter 10y ago
  Yeah, you're right. I just hate explaining myself to people all the time, I guess. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
  - sotojuan 10y ago
    You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, just say "I don't like coffee, I'll get a tea/water/juice/etc". Easy—a lot of people don't. Whatever ideas about people thinking you're weird or disliking you because of that are false. I don't get sugary coffees either. I just order a black coffee. If anyone asks (rarely happens) I just tell them I don't like sugary or sweet/caramel drinks (I don't).
  - balabaster 10y ago
    The feeling you need to explain yourself comes from where? I don't need an answer to that. But look within yourself, figure out why you feel you need to explain yourself. Did you feel unheard as a kid and now you need to justify your thoughts and needs? You're an adult now. You make the rules and boundaries surrounding your own life (within the confines of the law) with no other justification than I am. You don't drink coffee... millions of people don't. I don't eat peanuts, I'm not allergic to them, I just don't like peanuts. When there's peanuts, I don't eat them. No justification required. Not that I'm trying to project what I think you should do, but I will tell you, when you stop feeling like you need to justify everything (I went through this too), suddenly life feels a little easier... and life's pain in the ass enough without getting in your own way.
magic_beans 10y ago
Just order tea.
emodendroket 10y ago
I'm pretty sure nobody cares if you order tea or whatever it is you do like. As for the four bucks, think of it as a fee to hang out in the cafe for an hour.
- danbolt 10y ago
  The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Just buy something and chat! Haven't you read narrations in books where the writer describes how everyone buys something different? It's exactly like that! Do as you please!
  - dragonwriter 10y ago
    > The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Everyone knows that. If you are accepting the culturally implied subtext but rejecting the specific superficial form, you say "I don't like coffee, but maybe we could..." When people do a flat rejection, with no suggested alternative, its usually intended as a polite rejection of the culturally implied subtext, not merely the superficial form.
    - emodendroket 10y ago
      The root comment is talking about not wanting to go for coffee because he doesn't like sugary coffee.
  - Nadya 10y ago
    That's a polite denial - and in some cultures that is the proper response. Just like how some cultures require things to be asked three times. Once because it is polite to ask - the other person, if polite, is expected to refuse. Twice because it is considered polite to ask again. Only to be denied again out of politeness. The third offer is the first "real" offer at which point the recipient can accept without being rude. A conversation might go like this: "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - "Thank you, but I wouldn't want to intrude." - "I insist! If you are hungry, please stay." - "Thank you, but I'm fine." - "There is enough food to go around - are you sure you don't want to stay and eat?" - "I will, thank you. / I'm not feeling hungry, but thank you." It's really quite silly. Many cultures cut it down to only having to ask twice with the first time being the expected denial and the second time expecting an honest answer.
ksenzee 10y ago
> Should i get a donut and nothing to drink? Sure, why not? I don't drink coffee (or tea either), and if I'm not in the mood for hot chocolate, I get a pastry of some kind, and maybe a glass of water if I'm thirsty. Nobody thinks anything of it. You're way less weird than you think you are.
mseebach 10y ago
Skylar: Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime? Will: Great, or maybe we could get together and just eat a bunch of caramels. Skylar: What? Will: When you think about it, it's just as arbitrary as drinking coffee. Just say "sorry, not a big coffee guy, can we go to X/take a walk in the park/eat a bunch of caramels instead?". The coffee is just a conversational placeholder, there is no spoon. As long as you immediately propose an alternative, you're fine.
ThrustVectoring 10y ago
When you get asked "do you want to get coffee", the coffee is beside the point. It's an excuse to walk or meet somewhere, be together, and talk. Accept the invitation and order nothing. If asked about it, just say that the actual coffee is beside the point.

michaelbuddy 10y ago

you order some kind of tea you've never had before and get on with your life.

maxerickson 10y ago
What if you've compressed a life's worth of tea drinking into just a few short years and they don't have anything new?
- emodendroket 10y ago
  Hopefully you liked one of the ones you tried before.
- serf 10y ago
  think of it as a hot opportunity to stare at a new ceiling with someone else.
- hinkley 10y ago
  Until you are on a first name basis with someone who owns a tea shop, you have not tried all the teas. And if you have, try another tea shop.

balabaster 10y ago

Or don't even justify it, just get there and pick whatever you feel like or don't. When they're like "er, why didn't you get coffee?" say "Meh, I wasn't into it, I just came because I was enjoying the conversation and quite like hanging out with you" Being real always trumps being fake - even if that real looks like what you call "weird". Weird is the new normal... mostly because there is no normal. Everyone's weird; if they're not, you just don't know them well enough yet. I'd rather hang with 2 weird real people than 10 "normal" fake people - I don't even care if they don't like $4 coffees... because I don't even drink coffee.

godshatter 10y ago
Yeah, you're right. I just hate explaining myself to people all the time, I guess. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
- sotojuan 10y ago
  You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, just say "I don't like coffee, I'll get a tea/water/juice/etc". Easy—a lot of people don't. Whatever ideas about people thinking you're weird or disliking you because of that are false. I don't get sugary coffees either. I just order a black coffee. If anyone asks (rarely happens) I just tell them I don't like sugary or sweet/caramel drinks (I don't).
- balabaster 10y ago
  The feeling you need to explain yourself comes from where? I don't need an answer to that. But look within yourself, figure out why you feel you need to explain yourself. Did you feel unheard as a kid and now you need to justify your thoughts and needs? You're an adult now. You make the rules and boundaries surrounding your own life (within the confines of the law) with no other justification than I am. You don't drink coffee... millions of people don't. I don't eat peanuts, I'm not allergic to them, I just don't like peanuts. When there's peanuts, I don't eat them. No justification required. Not that I'm trying to project what I think you should do, but I will tell you, when you stop feeling like you need to justify everything (I went through this too), suddenly life feels a little easier... and life's pain in the ass enough without getting in your own way.

magic_beans 10y ago

Just order tea.

emodendroket 10y ago

I'm pretty sure nobody cares if you order tea or whatever it is you do like. As for the four bucks, think of it as a fee to hang out in the cafe for an hour.

danbolt 10y ago
The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Just buy something and chat! Haven't you read narrations in books where the writer describes how everyone buys something different? It's exactly like that! Do as you please!
- dragonwriter 10y ago
  > The number of times I ask people "to get coffee" and get the response that they "don't like to drink coffee" used to drive me up the wall. It's not about the coffee! It's never been about the coffee! Everyone knows that. If you are accepting the culturally implied subtext but rejecting the specific superficial form, you say "I don't like coffee, but maybe we could..." When people do a flat rejection, with no suggested alternative, its usually intended as a polite rejection of the culturally implied subtext, not merely the superficial form.
  - emodendroket 10y ago
    The root comment is talking about not wanting to go for coffee because he doesn't like sugary coffee.
- Nadya 10y ago
  That's a polite denial - and in some cultures that is the proper response. Just like how some cultures require things to be asked three times. Once because it is polite to ask - the other person, if polite, is expected to refuse. Twice because it is considered polite to ask again. Only to be denied again out of politeness. The third offer is the first "real" offer at which point the recipient can accept without being rude. A conversation might go like this: "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - "Thank you, but I wouldn't want to intrude." - "I insist! If you are hungry, please stay." - "Thank you, but I'm fine." - "There is enough food to go around - are you sure you don't want to stay and eat?" - "I will, thank you. / I'm not feeling hungry, but thank you." It's really quite silly. Many cultures cut it down to only having to ask twice with the first time being the expected denial and the second time expecting an honest answer.

ksenzee 10y ago

> Should i get a donut and nothing to drink? Sure, why not? I don't drink coffee (or tea either), and if I'm not in the mood for hot chocolate, I get a pastry of some kind, and maybe a glass of water if I'm thirsty. Nobody thinks anything of it. You're way less weird than you think you are.

mseebach 10y ago

Skylar: Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime? Will: Great, or maybe we could get together and just eat a bunch of caramels. Skylar: What? Will: When you think about it, it's just as arbitrary as drinking coffee. Just say "sorry, not a big coffee guy, can we go to X/take a walk in the park/eat a bunch of caramels instead?". The coffee is just a conversational placeholder, there is no spoon. As long as you immediately propose an alternative, you're fine.

ThrustVectoring 10y ago

When you get asked "do you want to get coffee", the coffee is beside the point. It's an excuse to walk or meet somewhere, be together, and talk. Accept the invitation and order nothing. If asked about it, just say that the actual coffee is beside the point.