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My ex partner always said I didn't listen to her. I really want to be a better listener. It seems to me that the key to listening is to actually be present and

by hoodoof 10y ago

My ex partner always said I didn't listen to her. I really want to be a better listener. It seems to me that the key to listening is to actually be present and not half thinking about something else or what YOU want to say. Hard to do. >> thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, guilty

groby_b 10y ago
>>> thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, >guilty This is not necessarily a question of "guilty". There are two major directions a conversation can go - "sympathy" or "solution". If your partner wants one, and you give the other, you operate under wrong premises due to an unstated assumption. On both sides. (If your "guilty" was a request for sympathy, I'm currently failing majorly. :) You could do worse than ask people what they want out of a conversation when you start the conversation.
- PakG1 10y ago
  This is crucial. I've found that when I talk especially with people who reside more on the emotional side of the spectrum (I myself seem to be more on the logical side of the spectrum), I need to really clarify before the conversation gets too deep that I'm good at expressing solutions, but I'm not so good at expressing sympathy/empathy. I'm good at having sympathy (not always empathy), but I'm not good at expressing it. People who contact me frequently to talk about something have come to understand this, and they just trust that I am being sympathetic, even if I am not showing all the signs. But for people who are not used to talking with me, they can sometimes find me unsettling and get upset at me. If someone could explain to me how to appear sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes sense to me, I'd love it. But nobody's ever been able to do that in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'd be pretending, which is awkward and weird, because it's not like I'm not sincerely sympathetic in my heart of hearts.
  - aidenn0 10y ago
    I'm also not naturally good at it, and the best I've come up with is that it's basically letting them know (in a way that is natural for you) that you believe that a world in which they have this problem is worse than a world in which they don't have this problem. In fact just switching my default response to someone presenting a problem to: "that sucks" showed a marked improvement in interpersonal relationships for me.
    - kaybe 10y ago
      What was your previous default response?
  - AdieuToLogic 10y ago
    If someone could explain to me how to appear sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes sense to me, I'd love it. I'd go with the direct approach and not bother with appearances. It's consistent, easy to remember, and emotionally honest. For example: I'm an analytical person and am genuinely interested in what you have to say. If you'd like to hear possible solutions I can think of, then they would be with the intent of trying to help. If not, I'm here to listen.
    - throwanem 10y ago
      "Emotionally honest" is a copout. What you mean is that it's easy for you and keeps you squarely centered in your comfort zone, while the person you supposedly think you're going to help has to do all the scary work of leaving her own.
      - AdieuToLogic 10y ago
        I don't see how being emotionally honest qualifies as a cop-out. The GP's statement was about appearing to be sincerely sympathetic. What I recommended was to be true to themself and offered an example of how that could be stated in a constructive manner. Perhaps the example I provided was not appealing to you, which is entirely understandable.
- aidenn0 10y ago
  Leading with sympathy in personal relationships is usually a good idea. If you express sympathy when they want solution, they will often start thinking of solutions aloud, or flat out ask for your opinion. If you suggest solution when they just wanted sympathy, they will often respond with disappointment, anger, or defensiveness.
  - wahern 10y ago
    Perhaps just as often people don't know or understand what they want.
WalterBright 10y ago
I too am guilty of every characteristic of bad listening. It's turning out to be a hard thing to work on.
- forgottenacc56 10y ago
  Recognizing that is probably step one in getting better at it.
woodandsteel 10y ago
One thing that helps for expressing sympathy is using words or metaphors that describe the the person's emotions, like "that sounds scary" or "you sound angry" Another thing is to describe what seems to be the heart of the problem, like "you want to trust him, but you aren't sure it's a good idea." Also, once the person feels like they have expressed themselves and been well-heard, that may be all they want. But other times they then move on to a solution, either on their own or are interested in your ideas.

by hoodoof 10y ago

groby_b 10y ago

>>> thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, >guilty This is not necessarily a question of "guilty". There are two major directions a conversation can go - "sympathy" or "solution". If your partner wants one, and you give the other, you operate under wrong premises due to an unstated assumption. On both sides. (If your "guilty" was a request for sympathy, I'm currently failing majorly. :) You could do worse than ask people what they want out of a conversation when you start the conversation.

PakG1 10y ago
This is crucial. I've found that when I talk especially with people who reside more on the emotional side of the spectrum (I myself seem to be more on the logical side of the spectrum), I need to really clarify before the conversation gets too deep that I'm good at expressing solutions, but I'm not so good at expressing sympathy/empathy. I'm good at having sympathy (not always empathy), but I'm not good at expressing it. People who contact me frequently to talk about something have come to understand this, and they just trust that I am being sympathetic, even if I am not showing all the signs. But for people who are not used to talking with me, they can sometimes find me unsettling and get upset at me. If someone could explain to me how to appear sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes sense to me, I'd love it. But nobody's ever been able to do that in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'd be pretending, which is awkward and weird, because it's not like I'm not sincerely sympathetic in my heart of hearts.
- aidenn0 10y ago
  I'm also not naturally good at it, and the best I've come up with is that it's basically letting them know (in a way that is natural for you) that you believe that a world in which they have this problem is worse than a world in which they don't have this problem. In fact just switching my default response to someone presenting a problem to: "that sucks" showed a marked improvement in interpersonal relationships for me.
  - kaybe 10y ago
    What was your previous default response?
- AdieuToLogic 10y ago
  If someone could explain to me how to appear sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes sense to me, I'd love it. I'd go with the direct approach and not bother with appearances. It's consistent, easy to remember, and emotionally honest. For example: I'm an analytical person and am genuinely interested in what you have to say. If you'd like to hear possible solutions I can think of, then they would be with the intent of trying to help. If not, I'm here to listen.
  - throwanem 10y ago
    "Emotionally honest" is a copout. What you mean is that it's easy for you and keeps you squarely centered in your comfort zone, while the person you supposedly think you're going to help has to do all the scary work of leaving her own.
    - AdieuToLogic 10y ago
      I don't see how being emotionally honest qualifies as a cop-out. The GP's statement was about appearing to be sincerely sympathetic. What I recommended was to be true to themself and offered an example of how that could be stated in a constructive manner. Perhaps the example I provided was not appealing to you, which is entirely understandable.
aidenn0 10y ago
Leading with sympathy in personal relationships is usually a good idea. If you express sympathy when they want solution, they will often start thinking of solutions aloud, or flat out ask for your opinion. If you suggest solution when they just wanted sympathy, they will often respond with disappointment, anger, or defensiveness.
- wahern 10y ago
  Perhaps just as often people don't know or understand what they want.

WalterBright 10y ago

I too am guilty of every characteristic of bad listening. It's turning out to be a hard thing to work on.

forgottenacc56 10y ago
Recognizing that is probably step one in getting better at it.

woodandsteel 10y ago

One thing that helps for expressing sympathy is using words or metaphors that describe the the person's emotions, like "that sounds scary" or "you sound angry" Another thing is to describe what seems to be the heart of the problem, like "you want to trust him, but you aren't sure it's a good idea." Also, once the person feels like they have expressed themselves and been well-heard, that may be all they want. But other times they then move on to a solution, either on their own or are interested in your ideas.