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I absolutely despite passive-aggressive behaviour rooted in low self-esteem. They are invisible contracts people set. I think we have just faced a simple label

I absolutely despite passive-aggressive behaviour rooted in low self-esteem. They are invisible contracts people set. I think we have just faced a simple labeling problem, with people-pleasing as the ultimate vague word.

hosh 10y ago
That's interesting. Why do you feel contempt for passive-aggressiveness rooted in low-self esteem? Do you feel you are superior to people who do that? Do you feel that those people are weak of character or resolve?
- avindroth 10y ago
  It's detailed further in No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I will explain it. I specifically hate those who give to get. And when they give and don't get, they become passive-aggressive. If I have low self-esteem, here is how I might behave. For the purposes of this example, I am Jack and the other person is Elizabeth. 1. I want care and attention from Elizabeth. 2. I give care and attention to her, hoping I will get them back. 3. When she doesn't give me care and attention I "deserve", I become passive-aggressive towards her. Some people believe giving is the prerequisite to acceptance. They think they are not good enough. So in step 2, Jack sets an invisible contract with Elizabeth, without her knowing. He will give, give, give, and one day he will freak out. Elizabeth has no idea why.
  - tdkl 10y ago
    Loved that book, it's quite an eye opener.
    - avindroth 10y ago
      Same, had a feeling you read that book haha. The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is a great follow-up. The guru stuff is sometimes overwhelming, but there are good ideas in that book. There is also a fantastic summary/teaser of the book on FightMediocrity (YouTube channel).
      - tdkl 10y ago
        Hehe, read that one too, even before No more Mr. Nice guy. It's one of those that's hard to grasp, more of a lifetime read, when you gather more and more experiences, so that the suggestions make more sense. Those two books, "Models" by Mark Manson and "Slight edge" by Jeff Olson probably changed my life the most.
        avindroth 10y ago
        Completely agreed on Deida. I want to do a re-read some time soon. Getting "Models" and "Slight edge" samples on Kindle now. Thanks for the recommendations!
  - hosh 10y ago
    That to me is a lack of self awareness and integrity. Not everyone is fully conscious of the things that drive them. That you feel hatred for such behavior suggests that you too have things about yourself that you are not aware of. Being nice is not the same as compassion. I'm glad you found a book that helped you understand it. However, based on this and your other comments on this thread, I think there is more to discover about this. There is a whole range of things related to love (and I don't mean romance) I think is missing from your discourse.

hosh 10y ago

That's interesting. Why do you feel contempt for passive-aggressiveness rooted in low-self esteem? Do you feel you are superior to people who do that? Do you feel that those people are weak of character or resolve?

avindroth 10y ago
It's detailed further in No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I will explain it. I specifically hate those who give to get. And when they give and don't get, they become passive-aggressive. If I have low self-esteem, here is how I might behave. For the purposes of this example, I am Jack and the other person is Elizabeth. 1. I want care and attention from Elizabeth. 2. I give care and attention to her, hoping I will get them back. 3. When she doesn't give me care and attention I "deserve", I become passive-aggressive towards her. Some people believe giving is the prerequisite to acceptance. They think they are not good enough. So in step 2, Jack sets an invisible contract with Elizabeth, without her knowing. He will give, give, give, and one day he will freak out. Elizabeth has no idea why.
- tdkl 10y ago
  Loved that book, it's quite an eye opener.
  - avindroth 10y ago
    Same, had a feeling you read that book haha. The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is a great follow-up. The guru stuff is sometimes overwhelming, but there are good ideas in that book. There is also a fantastic summary/teaser of the book on FightMediocrity (YouTube channel).
    - tdkl 10y ago
      Hehe, read that one too, even before No more Mr. Nice guy. It's one of those that's hard to grasp, more of a lifetime read, when you gather more and more experiences, so that the suggestions make more sense. Those two books, "Models" by Mark Manson and "Slight edge" by Jeff Olson probably changed my life the most.
      - avindroth 10y ago
        Completely agreed on Deida. I want to do a re-read some time soon. Getting "Models" and "Slight edge" samples on Kindle now. Thanks for the recommendations!
- hosh 10y ago
  That to me is a lack of self awareness and integrity. Not everyone is fully conscious of the things that drive them. That you feel hatred for such behavior suggests that you too have things about yourself that you are not aware of. Being nice is not the same as compassion. I'm glad you found a book that helped you understand it. However, based on this and your other comments on this thread, I think there is more to discover about this. There is a whole range of things related to love (and I don't mean romance) I think is missing from your discourse.