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That it were so simple... There is utility in people pleasing that does not end with self-satisfaction. There are costs, sometimes immediate, to conveying your

That it were so simple... There is utility in people pleasing that does not end with self-satisfaction. There are costs, sometimes immediate, to conveying your thoughts and feelings directly. Examples from the workplace: Your colleague is a bit chatty and annoying, so the last thing you want to do is start a conversation about how bad your weekend was. It takes more mental energy to deal with them than not, so smile and say 'My weekend was great!'. More seriously, it is necessary for your boss to want to keep you around and letting your emotions hang out on topics not related to work may get them wondering about your focus and productivity. This is particularly important if you're supporting a family, and in practical terms, you really have to be judicious about being true to yourself vs. keeping your job. Not that it's that precipitous, but over time, you'll establish an image. From the boss's perspective, people respond well to confidence, and letting your team know you're true feelings needs to be thoughtfully considered in each case. Showing lack of confidence in the right places can elicit helpful ideas and volunteers. In the wrong place, it can really kill your team. So for me, it's a trade off. I know when I'm being less than truthful, and it is deliberate and purposeful in each case.

Jtsummers 10y ago
I took the article to be about the more extreme side of people-pleasing. It's one thing to do this as a one-off. Or with people you have to interact with in limited/confined contexts (your boss). But it's another to extend it to your entire life. Have you ever met the person that, as soon as you say you went skiing once, starts saying how much they love skiing? Then later you see them do the same thing, but this time it's about traveling, with someone else. And later, you invite them to your ski trip (could be months or years), and they say, "I don't like skiing."? They were gushing about it when you met, but it was a complete lie. They may have even repeated it a few more times, but one day they forgot. That's the extreme people-pleaser. They're never honest with other people, and consequently none of their relationships are real. They're all predicated on falsehoods (what they like, what they don't like, what they're interested in, etc.). So every time they go out they have to remember what lies they told this group, and oh shit now two groups are meeting and they have two conflicting lies. What you're talking about is not this. False bravado or confidence is sometimes what you have to do to make it through. But make it a perpetual thing, in all situations, it either becomes true, or it wears you out.

Jtsummers 10y ago

I took the article to be about the more extreme side of people-pleasing. It's one thing to do this as a one-off. Or with people you have to interact with in limited/confined contexts (your boss). But it's another to extend it to your entire life. Have you ever met the person that, as soon as you say you went skiing once, starts saying how much they love skiing? Then later you see them do the same thing, but this time it's about traveling, with someone else. And later, you invite them to your ski trip (could be months or years), and they say, "I don't like skiing."? They were gushing about it when you met, but it was a complete lie. They may have even repeated it a few more times, but one day they forgot. That's the extreme people-pleaser. They're never honest with other people, and consequently none of their relationships are real. They're all predicated on falsehoods (what they like, what they don't like, what they're interested in, etc.). So every time they go out they have to remember what lies they told this group, and oh shit now two groups are meeting and they have two conflicting lies. What you're talking about is not this. False bravado or confidence is sometimes what you have to do to make it through. But make it a perpetual thing, in all situations, it either becomes true, or it wears you out.