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I tell my child she is smart AND that that isn't enough for us. We know she is smart, but so are we and we can tell when she is slacking and lying. It's actual

I tell my child she is smart AND that that isn't enough for us. We know she is smart, but so are we and we can tell when she is slacking and lying. It's actually working very well, but it took quite a while for her to believe us. In the long run she is showing a deep appreciation for how honest we are with her. This would likely work with most smarter children. If you don't play mind games with them they will stop trying to play mind games on you. -- Edit on my side note here -- She still plays games with most other adults but I would be a hypocrite to try to eliminate it completely. Mostly I just caution her on how it erodes trust and trust is very valuable. Besides, most adults are not completely honest with her so it's only fair.

hinkley 10y ago
The developmental advice I've heard is that you should praise the act, not the attribute. That is, if they do something clever, you praise the clever thing they did, not the fact that they're clever. I know that probably sounds like splitting hairs, but kids and adults have at least as many issues communicating as adults and other adults have.
- HNSucksAss 10y ago
  On the other hand, I've heard that if a child does something wrong, you criticize the act and try to make it incompatible with the child's self-image. As in, "I don't know why you would punch anyone, because you're such a nice boy!"
- colanderman 10y ago
  It's not splitting hairs at all. "That's so clever" means "do something like that again to get praise". "You're so clever" means "you don't need to do any more work to be praised".
  - hinkley 10y ago
    As adults we can often be imprecise in our praise of others and expect them to just understand that we meant it as a complement. If you tell an adult 'wow you really are clever' it usually means that you appreciate what they did for you or the team and you're trying to say thank you too.
erikb 10y ago
Really good approach, especially the part with the trust and the others lying to her as well.

hinkley 10y ago

The developmental advice I've heard is that you should praise the act, not the attribute. That is, if they do something clever, you praise the clever thing they did, not the fact that they're clever. I know that probably sounds like splitting hairs, but kids and adults have at least as many issues communicating as adults and other adults have.

HNSucksAss 10y ago
On the other hand, I've heard that if a child does something wrong, you criticize the act and try to make it incompatible with the child's self-image. As in, "I don't know why you would punch anyone, because you're such a nice boy!"
colanderman 10y ago
It's not splitting hairs at all. "That's so clever" means "do something like that again to get praise". "You're so clever" means "you don't need to do any more work to be praised".
- hinkley 10y ago
  As adults we can often be imprecise in our praise of others and expect them to just understand that we meant it as a complement. If you tell an adult 'wow you really are clever' it usually means that you appreciate what they did for you or the team and you're trying to say thank you too.

erikb 10y ago

Really good approach, especially the part with the trust and the others lying to her as well.