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The natural consequences are more along the lines of... Don't like dinner? That's fine, don't eat. Then he goes in and makes a bowl of ice cream. What's the na

by rymohr 10y ago

The natural consequences are more along the lines of... Don't like dinner? That's fine, don't eat. Then he goes in and makes a bowl of ice cream. What's the natural consequence approach there? Same when he's taking his frustration out on his toys. Eventually one actually breaks and now he's sad _and_ angry and directs his emotions at his mom and sisters. Just this week he figured out how to climb over our fence and out into the street. Is the natural consequence to let him be run over or kidnapped? I put "natural consequences" in quotes because I think it's a joke. If your dealing with problems that have natural consequences you don't actually have much of a problem.

meric 10y ago
What's the natural consequence approach there? I would ask him for his favourite ice cream, take him out to the supermarket if he likes to come with me, buy a 2L box of it, and let him eat it the whole night if he wishes. Be happy he's enjoying the moment, enjoy it yourself, connect with him. Repeat this every night until he wants to eat something else. He has to find out, using his own experience, why it's unpleasant to eat only ice cream for dinner every night, so that, one day, a week from now, a month, two months, he would choose to eat proper dinner because he truly wants to, from his heart, rather than doing it because his parents are forcing him to. If he's going to be a broken man either way, at least he grew up with a father who listened and empathised with him, and accepted him for who he is, rather than being physically restrained in bed, yelled at and controlled. To love someone, we accept their choices, even when we know those choices have bad consequences, at the same time we trust they will eventually find their own way. mom and sisters. How does your wife react, and what does she actually feel? Inside she's upset and hurt and worn out to be blamed for something outside of her control, but I have a hunch she doesn't act that way in front of him. You can't force her to be vulnerable in front of him, but you could redirect his anger to yourself, explain to him why you're doing that (your wife is worn out and you want to protect her), and then you could choose to show him your sadness when he's angry at you. I put "natural consequences" in quotes because I think it's a joke. I'd love to know if any techniques I could try, that would work, while treating it as a joke. I'm serious. The very highest if barely known. Then comes that which people know and love. Then that which is feared, Then that which is despised. Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. When actions are performed Without unnecessary speech, People say, "We did it!" Tao Te Ching - Chapter 17
- csorrell 10y ago
  I'm going to venture a guess that you yourself have never raised children. This is classic armchair parenting advice that sounds good to the philosophic mind, but falls apart in the real world. If you've never raised kids, you probably shouldn't offer parenting advice. If you have actually raised kids, let us know then know how long your kid ate ice cream before they acquired a taste for broccoli. Developmentally, a 6 year old is just not ready to be in control of defining all their own boundaries. They need adults to help them with this. Often times the reason kids are acting out is because they don't know where the boundary is or they sense where it is but it feels too unsteady. Clearly defining boundaries around a child's behavior is going to help them feel more secure.
  - meric 10y ago
    No, but I've had to see a therapist since I could move out and not tell my parents about it, because I've parenting that shares similarities to what OP described. My suggestion is only based on what the therapist told me I needed, instead of what I actually experienced. You're right, I should wait till I have had kids before giving out this advice. I take my comments back and endorse the following two comments. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12225434 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12225434 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12223002 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12223002
    - csorrell 10y ago
      Yeah, parenting can be kind of a balancing act. I think there is a valid point that your posts were getting at which is it's important to give your kids the space to make their own decisions and learn from their own consequences. The hard part about parenting though is having a good understanding of where your child is at developmentally, and then figuring out which decisions are developmentally appropriate for them to be making for themselves.
dzdt 10y ago
A tiny side-point: stranger abductions are incredibly rare , like 5 times less likely than being struck by lightning.
- rymohr 10y ago
  Point taken. Unfortunately he also encourages his 3-year old sis to climb over the fence with him now too. And she is absolutely adorable.

by rymohr 10y ago

meric 10y ago

What's the natural consequence approach there? I would ask him for his favourite ice cream, take him out to the supermarket if he likes to come with me, buy a 2L box of it, and let him eat it the whole night if he wishes. Be happy he's enjoying the moment, enjoy it yourself, connect with him. Repeat this every night until he wants to eat something else. He has to find out, using his own experience, why it's unpleasant to eat only ice cream for dinner every night, so that, one day, a week from now, a month, two months, he would choose to eat proper dinner because he truly wants to, from his heart, rather than doing it because his parents are forcing him to. If he's going to be a broken man either way, at least he grew up with a father who listened and empathised with him, and accepted him for who he is, rather than being physically restrained in bed, yelled at and controlled. To love someone, we accept their choices, even when we know those choices have bad consequences, at the same time we trust they will eventually find their own way. mom and sisters. How does your wife react, and what does she actually feel? Inside she's upset and hurt and worn out to be blamed for something outside of her control, but I have a hunch she doesn't act that way in front of him. You can't force her to be vulnerable in front of him, but you could redirect his anger to yourself, explain to him why you're doing that (your wife is worn out and you want to protect her), and then you could choose to show him your sadness when he's angry at you. I put "natural consequences" in quotes because I think it's a joke. I'd love to know if any techniques I could try, that would work, while treating it as a joke. I'm serious. The very highest if barely known. Then comes that which people know and love. Then that which is feared, Then that which is despised. Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. When actions are performed Without unnecessary speech, People say, "We did it!" Tao Te Ching - Chapter 17

csorrell 10y ago
I'm going to venture a guess that you yourself have never raised children. This is classic armchair parenting advice that sounds good to the philosophic mind, but falls apart in the real world. If you've never raised kids, you probably shouldn't offer parenting advice. If you have actually raised kids, let us know then know how long your kid ate ice cream before they acquired a taste for broccoli. Developmentally, a 6 year old is just not ready to be in control of defining all their own boundaries. They need adults to help them with this. Often times the reason kids are acting out is because they don't know where the boundary is or they sense where it is but it feels too unsteady. Clearly defining boundaries around a child's behavior is going to help them feel more secure.
- meric 10y ago
  No, but I've had to see a therapist since I could move out and not tell my parents about it, because I've parenting that shares similarities to what OP described. My suggestion is only based on what the therapist told me I needed, instead of what I actually experienced. You're right, I should wait till I have had kids before giving out this advice. I take my comments back and endorse the following two comments. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12225434 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12225434 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12223002 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12223002
  - csorrell 10y ago
    Yeah, parenting can be kind of a balancing act. I think there is a valid point that your posts were getting at which is it's important to give your kids the space to make their own decisions and learn from their own consequences. The hard part about parenting though is having a good understanding of where your child is at developmentally, and then figuring out which decisions are developmentally appropriate for them to be making for themselves.

dzdt 10y ago

A tiny side-point: stranger abductions are incredibly rare , like 5 times less likely than being struck by lightning.

rymohr 10y ago
Point taken. Unfortunately he also encourages his 3-year old sis to climb over the fence with him now too. And she is absolutely adorable.