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Same boat, I was picking up almost any job to keep the family afloat, one time I got home and my partner was lying in the couch and crying. I thought it was the

by Xunxi 10y ago

Same boat, I was picking up almost any job to keep the family afloat, one time I got home and my partner was lying in the couch and crying. I thought it was the impending hardships we were going through so i cuddled and talked her into believing good times were ahead. Her response was "baby I'm pregnant and I'm not sure its yours" The rest is history. Luckily I bounced back, the boy was mine but phew..!

MollyR 10y ago
That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
- zaroth 10y ago
  For what definition of "healthy"? Few marriages are perfect, and many are quite broken in many respects. Stress drives people to do all sorts of things they might later regret. But if an affair is unhealthy, by that definition literally most marriages are.
  - MollyR 10y ago
    Stress doesn't absolve you of responsibility for your actions. Most marriages being degrees of unhealthy doesn't equate to most marriages having affairs in them. If my husband had an affair, child or no child, It would be an instant divorce. I could never trust him again.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
    - zaroth 10y ago
      Regret and responsibility are two different things. I'm no expert on it, but from the stats I could find, most marriages indeed have affairs in them. However it seems this stat has an unreasonably large confidence interval. My poorly articulated point is that life is messy, and I felt your original comment comes off as overly judgmental of a situation we really can't begin to appreciate. That half of marriages have affairs (that it is effectively the norm) I thought would bolster the defense, but probably is a red herring. Edit: Now you have me curious, are men more likely than women to forgive an affair? It seems informal studies find men on average less forgiving, but I couldn't find what I would consider a reputable data source. Crucially, asking married people to imagine how they might feel hypothetically I think would produce significantly different results from reporting statistics on marriages which have actually had an affair in their past.
    - gozur88 10y ago
      I agree with you. No relationship is roses all the time, and cheaters will eventually find an excuse to cheat.
      - zaroth 10y ago
        I think "cheaters gonna cheat" is overly reductive and crass. The point is that if most marriages are unable to deal with infidelity, then most marriages will fail. But the divorce rate has been declining for some time now, perhaps due to more modern approaches to human fallibility. Again, this has nothing at all to do with excusing an affair, or abdicating responsibility. It's really examining and appreciating that many marriages are faced with these very serious challenges, and perhaps it's a sign of strength, dare I say health, in a marriage that it can continue on after an affair rather than collapsing at the mere thought. EDIT: Keep in mind we can also speak more generally about affairs both romantic or sexual. It is interesting how many people just equate it to a sex act.
        gozur88 10y ago
        >I think "cheaters gonna cheat" is overly reductive and crass. I disagree, obviously. It's trendy to expect people are merely the sum of their circumstances, and that they'll cheat if a and b and c are true. I don't believe it. People with character don't cheat on their spouses. It's really that simple. You can be a marriage with "very serious challenges" and not cheat, even when the opportunities are all around. Millions of people do it. >...and perhaps it's a sign of strength, dare I say health, in a marriage that it can continue on after an affair rather than collapsing at the mere thought. Yes, the "mere thought" and action of the ultimate betrayal. I'm not buying it. Whatever they say, people who stay together after an affair are making a calculation. It's for the kids, or it's over money, or the cheated-on spouse is afraid to be alone. Oh, sign me up.
  - bnchrch 10y ago
    > But if an affair is unhealthy, by that definition literally most marriages are. I would be inclined to say that yes an affair would be a characteristic of an unhealthy marriage; at least by western standards. However I'm not sure you are correct in stating that most marriages have one or both partners being unfaithful. [0] [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Infidelity_and_gender https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Infidelity_and_gend...
    - zaroth 10y ago
      The numbers seem to be all over the place. I've read 25% of married Americans report having an affair (meaning .75 * .75 = 56% chance of a marriage not having an affair) Then just below it says 20%. The Washington Post quotes a study claiming fully 70% of women and 72% of men (study by sex researcher Shere Hite, so pretty big grain of salt there) and then cite a University of Chicago study finding 25% of married men have affairs. So it's apparently somewhere between 30-70% of marriages which have at least one partner who has an affair.
      - jdminhbg 10y ago
        > I've read 25% of married Americans report having an affair (meaning .75 * .75 = 56% chance of a marriage not having an affair) Only if "married but having an affair" is an independent variable, which I would doubt -- I would be shocked if one partner having an affair weren't predictive of the other partner having an affair. Interesting to see the spread of numbers by different studies though; I wonder how close to reality any of them are.
- outworlder 10y ago
  By definition, it wasn't. At the time. Just like our bodies, relationships may be at various states of disrepair. Kudos to the grandparent for having bounced back.
leroy_masochist 10y ago
Real strength is making it through something like that. Respect.
55acdda48ab5 10y ago
My jaw is literally agape at the fact that you didn't understand your marriage was long over well before that point.

by Xunxi 10y ago

MollyR 10y ago

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

zaroth 10y ago
For what definition of "healthy"? Few marriages are perfect, and many are quite broken in many respects. Stress drives people to do all sorts of things they might later regret. But if an affair is unhealthy, by that definition literally most marriages are.
- MollyR 10y ago
  Stress doesn't absolve you of responsibility for your actions. Most marriages being degrees of unhealthy doesn't equate to most marriages having affairs in them. If my husband had an affair, child or no child, It would be an instant divorce. I could never trust him again.
  - deleted 10y ago
    [deleted]
  - zaroth 10y ago
    Regret and responsibility are two different things. I'm no expert on it, but from the stats I could find, most marriages indeed have affairs in them. However it seems this stat has an unreasonably large confidence interval. My poorly articulated point is that life is messy, and I felt your original comment comes off as overly judgmental of a situation we really can't begin to appreciate. That half of marriages have affairs (that it is effectively the norm) I thought would bolster the defense, but probably is a red herring. Edit: Now you have me curious, are men more likely than women to forgive an affair? It seems informal studies find men on average less forgiving, but I couldn't find what I would consider a reputable data source. Crucially, asking married people to imagine how they might feel hypothetically I think would produce significantly different results from reporting statistics on marriages which have actually had an affair in their past.
  - gozur88 10y ago
    I agree with you. No relationship is roses all the time, and cheaters will eventually find an excuse to cheat.
    - zaroth 10y ago
      I think "cheaters gonna cheat" is overly reductive and crass. The point is that if most marriages are unable to deal with infidelity, then most marriages will fail. But the divorce rate has been declining for some time now, perhaps due to more modern approaches to human fallibility. Again, this has nothing at all to do with excusing an affair, or abdicating responsibility. It's really examining and appreciating that many marriages are faced with these very serious challenges, and perhaps it's a sign of strength, dare I say health, in a marriage that it can continue on after an affair rather than collapsing at the mere thought. EDIT: Keep in mind we can also speak more generally about affairs both romantic or sexual. It is interesting how many people just equate it to a sex act.
      - gozur88 10y ago
        >I think "cheaters gonna cheat" is overly reductive and crass. I disagree, obviously. It's trendy to expect people are merely the sum of their circumstances, and that they'll cheat if a and b and c are true. I don't believe it. People with character don't cheat on their spouses. It's really that simple. You can be a marriage with "very serious challenges" and not cheat, even when the opportunities are all around. Millions of people do it. >...and perhaps it's a sign of strength, dare I say health, in a marriage that it can continue on after an affair rather than collapsing at the mere thought. Yes, the "mere thought" and action of the ultimate betrayal. I'm not buying it. Whatever they say, people who stay together after an affair are making a calculation. It's for the kids, or it's over money, or the cheated-on spouse is afraid to be alone. Oh, sign me up.
- bnchrch 10y ago
  > But if an affair is unhealthy, by that definition literally most marriages are. I would be inclined to say that yes an affair would be a characteristic of an unhealthy marriage; at least by western standards. However I'm not sure you are correct in stating that most marriages have one or both partners being unfaithful. [0] [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Infidelity_and_gender https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Infidelity_and_gend...
  - zaroth 10y ago
    The numbers seem to be all over the place. I've read 25% of married Americans report having an affair (meaning .75 * .75 = 56% chance of a marriage not having an affair) Then just below it says 20%. The Washington Post quotes a study claiming fully 70% of women and 72% of men (study by sex researcher Shere Hite, so pretty big grain of salt there) and then cite a University of Chicago study finding 25% of married men have affairs. So it's apparently somewhere between 30-70% of marriages which have at least one partner who has an affair.
    - jdminhbg 10y ago
      > I've read 25% of married Americans report having an affair (meaning .75 * .75 = 56% chance of a marriage not having an affair) Only if "married but having an affair" is an independent variable, which I would doubt -- I would be shocked if one partner having an affair weren't predictive of the other partner having an affair. Interesting to see the spread of numbers by different studies though; I wonder how close to reality any of them are.
outworlder 10y ago
By definition, it wasn't. At the time. Just like our bodies, relationships may be at various states of disrepair. Kudos to the grandparent for having bounced back.

leroy_masochist 10y ago

Real strength is making it through something like that. Respect.

55acdda48ab5 10y ago

My jaw is literally agape at the fact that you didn't understand your marriage was long over well before that point.