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My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. I know this is a small selection of college educated

by a2tech 10y ago

My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. I know this is a small selection of college educated people with comfortable lifestyles, but when every single person I know discloses to me when they're in a truthful state that we're better off not having kids..it makes you think.

exstudent2 10y ago
> ..it makes you think. It does, but to me it says a lot more about how hedonistic and consumer focused the middle+ classes of western society are than of some sort of inherent negative associated with having children.
greyman 10y ago
For me, having kids is the most fulfilling thing happening in my life. Honestly, that advice is terrible.
- collyw 10y ago
  When people say kids are the most fulfilling thing in their life, is it because they are didn't have anything really fulfilling in their life before that? I get fulfillment for my job some of the time - though its not the be all and end all in my life and it pissed me off sometimes too. I get a lot more from whitewater kayaking and mountain biking and generally being outdoors in my spare time. Some of my friends have had kids, and most have given up or seriously cut down on the amount that they devote to the sports they loved. Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids?
  - greyman 10y ago
    > Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids? Yes, and I still do. I am a soft dev, so job is quite fulfilling, I also like mountain hiking, friends, etc. But having a kid is something different, it is just not comparable regarding the level of satisfaction. For me the relationship with my kid is the most fulfilling thing a world can offer. (But of course I wouldnt believe that before I had one)
  - yarrel 10y ago
    > When people say kids are the most fulfilling thing in their life, is it because they are didn't have anything really fulfilling in their life before that? No. > Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids? Many things, and I still do. But it's certainly a trade off, trying to live out media images of motherhood/fatherhood need to be avoided, and kids don't have to be the most fulfilling thing in anyone's life.
phkahler 10y ago
>> My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. Because getting out to have drinks with friends becomes so rare. In that moment, you are fulfilling one of their social needs that has been so neglected it seems like the only thing that matters. What they're really saying is that by not having children you'll be able to continue as you are right then. Take it as a thank you from them for having that drink.
- Dirlewanger 10y ago
  >What they're really saying is that by not having children... Maybe they're actually saying not to have children. I don't understand all the projection.
  - phkahler 10y ago
    >> Maybe they're actually saying not to have children. I don't understand all the projection. Thanks, I like your response. I thought I was just offering an alternative interpretation for why they said it, but maybe I need to get out more with friends ;-) OTOH I do not regret having children, nor do I advocate that people avoid having them. Note to self, consider weather speculation is actually projection.
jseliger 10y ago
My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. Part of the question is, "Over what time horizon?" (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12050597 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12050597). Many people with very young kids say it's the pits, but ones with older ones seem to do much better. And many people over age 45 or so who don't have kids seem to wish that they'd had kids. I'm guessing that there's also a strong "grass is greener" element. In discussions about what to do in high school or college, half the responses always say "Study harder!" and half say "Party more!", with both sides seemingly recommending the thing they didn't do.
jotux 10y ago
Young children are difficult. Ask them again in 40 years.
blablablame 10y ago
I get drunk every so often (when my kid isn't around) and I still I love the little bugger and wouldn't trade that experience for anything. I don't suggest people to be parents (some folks won't be happy with that choice) but you must run in very weird circles if every parent friend you have tells you not to have kids when they are tipsy.
- tezzer 10y ago
  maybe they're just saying he, specifically, shouldn't have kids ;)

by a2tech 10y ago

exstudent2 10y ago

> ..it makes you think. It does, but to me it says a lot more about how hedonistic and consumer focused the middle+ classes of western society are than of some sort of inherent negative associated with having children.

greyman 10y ago

For me, having kids is the most fulfilling thing happening in my life. Honestly, that advice is terrible.

collyw 10y ago
When people say kids are the most fulfilling thing in their life, is it because they are didn't have anything really fulfilling in their life before that? I get fulfillment for my job some of the time - though its not the be all and end all in my life and it pissed me off sometimes too. I get a lot more from whitewater kayaking and mountain biking and generally being outdoors in my spare time. Some of my friends have had kids, and most have given up or seriously cut down on the amount that they devote to the sports they loved. Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids?
- greyman 10y ago
  > Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids? Yes, and I still do. I am a soft dev, so job is quite fulfilling, I also like mountain hiking, friends, etc. But having a kid is something different, it is just not comparable regarding the level of satisfaction. For me the relationship with my kid is the most fulfilling thing a world can offer. (But of course I wouldnt believe that before I had one)
- yarrel 10y ago
  > When people say kids are the most fulfilling thing in their life, is it because they are didn't have anything really fulfilling in their life before that? No. > Did you have something that gave you a lot of fulfillment before you had kids? Many things, and I still do. But it's certainly a trade off, trying to live out media images of motherhood/fatherhood need to be avoided, and kids don't have to be the most fulfilling thing in anyone's life.

phkahler 10y ago

>> My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. Because getting out to have drinks with friends becomes so rare. In that moment, you are fulfilling one of their social needs that has been so neglected it seems like the only thing that matters. What they're really saying is that by not having children you'll be able to continue as you are right then. Take it as a thank you from them for having that drink.

Dirlewanger 10y ago
>What they're really saying is that by not having children... Maybe they're actually saying not to have children. I don't understand all the projection.
- phkahler 10y ago
  >> Maybe they're actually saying not to have children. I don't understand all the projection. Thanks, I like your response. I thought I was just offering an alternative interpretation for why they said it, but maybe I need to get out more with friends ;-) OTOH I do not regret having children, nor do I advocate that people avoid having them. Note to self, consider weather speculation is actually projection.

jseliger 10y ago

My friends with children after they've had a few drinks have all told my wife and I to not have children. Part of the question is, "Over what time horizon?" (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12050597 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12050597). Many people with very young kids say it's the pits, but ones with older ones seem to do much better. And many people over age 45 or so who don't have kids seem to wish that they'd had kids. I'm guessing that there's also a strong "grass is greener" element. In discussions about what to do in high school or college, half the responses always say "Study harder!" and half say "Party more!", with both sides seemingly recommending the thing they didn't do.

jotux 10y ago

Young children are difficult. Ask them again in 40 years.

blablablame 10y ago

I get drunk every so often (when my kid isn't around) and I still I love the little bugger and wouldn't trade that experience for anything. I don't suggest people to be parents (some folks won't be happy with that choice) but you must run in very weird circles if every parent friend you have tells you not to have kids when they are tipsy.

tezzer 10y ago
maybe they're just saying he, specifically, shouldn't have kids ;)