5 ms·

Lean on others around you for feedback - ask a trusted co-worker to be brutally honest with you when he/she gets the impression you are being toxic. Tell them t

by epaga 10y ago

Lean on others around you for feedback - ask a trusted co-worker to be brutally honest with you when he/she gets the impression you are being toxic. Tell them to approach you afterwards and make you aware of it. Apart from this, here are a few things to watch yourself for: * sarcasm & cynicism * passive aggressive behavior * insults * loving proving others wrong and making them look bad * loudness / brashness

dijit 10y ago
hm, I am quite loud and direct. I'll ask a colleague to give me a nudge when I'm being too much. Others have mentioned a book, I'll make sure I read it and I hope it helps people's impressions of me. I just want to do the best I can and I love my work- I just get very frustrated by people who don't want to do their jobs. It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. Thanks for the feedback. :)
- roflc0ptic 10y ago
  Hey, some hopefully constructive feedback here: This sentence "It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic" is kind of a red flag. Think about how the people around you would feel about this comparison. It's pretty insulting, right? If you carry around the attitude that you're put upon dealing with other people's incompetence, they're going to notice and take it badly. Younger me would see my comment and say "so what? they're incompetent!" This is the wrong emotional reaction. It doesn't matter if they're incompetent. Telling them they're incompetent will harm your relationship with them, and worsen your LA traffic gridlock. There's almost always a way to be direct, correct and also kind. If you can't figure one out, then talk to someone. "Hey, I'm a little irritated about xyz situation, but I don't want to handle it badly. Do you have any suggestions for how I can constructively engage, or do you think I should just let it go?" Many people can't help, but some people have great emotional intelligence and can help crack those things open. I'm not particularly good at it, but man, the difference between trying and not trying is night and day.
  - dijit 10y ago
    Thank you for the feedback! :) I understand what you mean. May I ask though, how can I convey my frustration to anyone? and how to I avoid becoming jaded and apathetic to my goals?
    - bjshepard 10y ago
      Re: conveying frustration: Ask questions -- once you try to understand a situation, the frustration will recede, at least partially.
    - rincebrain 10y ago
      My imperfect understanding would be that, at best, you could convey your frustration to someone well removed from your work environment. Frustration is rarely a constructive thing to convey. It may seem okay at times, but even if it's objectively justifiable, it's going to leave an impression on people. Too many of those, and everything you say is viewed through that lens.
    - gorbachev 10y ago
      Your boss. He should be the primary person responsible for making sure your organization minimizes the disruptions to your work. He may or may not be in a position to personally solve any issues, but at least you have now shared concerns about your work environment with someone "up the chain". That person could also be a project manager or any other person who is ultimately responsible for deliverables. It IS their job to make sure you deliver. If you are getting constantly blocked for external reasons, they should know and work towards fixing those issues. I'm in the exact same boat, btw. Good luck.
    - whamlastxmas 10y ago
      >how can I convey my frustration to anyone You don't. If something is impeding you, calmly tell someone who can help that you're having trouble doing something because of XYZ. Don't be negative or pessimistic or blame anyone. The problem is if you're always frustrated, everyone is going to view you as an angry asshole. I am constantly frustrated but I gave up doing anything about it when it's out of my control. I just move on.
- bjourne 10y ago
  > Others have mentioned a book, I'll make sure I read it and I hope it helps people's impressions of me. I just want to do the best I can and I love my work- I just get very frustrated by people who don't want to do their jobs. > It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. I must say I really understand what you mean. :) But I think I have learned that to strong emotions, either positive or negative, doesn't belong in the workplace. It costs so much when you get burnt and dumb bosses interfere and imposes their will. I still do 100% everyday and every hour I work, but I'm a little emotionally detached or shielded from the result of it. Instead, I'm contributing to a free software project where I can be really passionate. You should probably try that too.
- circlefavshape 10y ago
  > It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. You're the Ferrari, your co-workers are the traffic? Are you fucking serious? This is the crux of the problem - you think you are better than everyone else, and you make that obvious. Unless you can get your ego under control this will be a serious impediment to your career.
  - dijit 10y ago
    The situation as I describe it is certainly apt, I'm not calling them out on being "traffic" but it's more like this: I am dedicated to a project, my sole job is to ensure the continuity and delivery of the product that the project makes. Part of this is relying on central IT, who do not want to delegate responsibility on certain things (IE; firewalls, networking, authentication, timekeeping, package management services, storage, etc). Those people are constrained because they are used by every project. While it's not their fault they're not fully available to me at all times when I need them; being blocked by a firewall for a week is frustrating. It stops me being able to complete tasks for extended periods of time. So yes, I am trying to move, and they are not moving. It's not their fault but that's the fact as it stands.
    - burkaman 10y ago
      Traffic is normal, the issue is thinking of yourself as a Ferrari. You are a normal car in LA traffic, just like everyone else. Everyone has to move slower because of the organization, everyone gets blocked sometimes. If you actually can't do anything for a week then talk to your boss, but with the attitude of "this is a fact of life and I'm looking for something else to work on in the meantime", not "these assholes are holding me back".
      - deleted 10y ago
        [deleted]
    - atsaloli 10y ago
      @dijit, if you want to improve your relationships, practice the Golden Rule (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule), treat others as you would want to be treated, and don't treat them the way you wouldn't want to be treated. Have a look at http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/try-not-to-do-things-to-others-that-you-would-not-like-them-to-do-to-you.html http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/... and http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/try-to-treat-others-as-you-would-want-them-to-treat-you.html http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/... which describe and give examples of both sides of this rule. Don't concentrate on how others may be treating you (delaying your projects) or what you might be doing wrong (toxic interactions) but focus on the positive way you can treat others (fairly? with respect? helping them? etc.) I challenge you to practice the Golden Rule assiduously for a week and see how life seems then. =) Good luck!
- nojvek 10y ago
  Have you considered switching to a less beurocratic team/company. I used to be in a place where I'd fight the system. Most felt the system was good enough. Moving to a team where your personal values are aligned with team values, may be you won't need to have those discussions.
- douche 10y ago
  If you're in typical corporate IT, driving a Ferrari in LA traffic is an understatement. I'm baffled by the mass incompetence I see on a daily basis. Changes that should take 15 minutes to implement take two or three weeks of dilly-dallying and shilly-shallying. Fiddle-fucking around abounds. You treasure those occasions that you get to deal with a marginally competent US/UK/EU IT person, rather than a person from elsewhere who has 0 authority, independent thinking, and more often than not is an outsourced contractor with no official status and less real knowledge.
- bobdole1234 10y ago
  Woosh.
saiya-jin 10y ago
Perfect advice. I would add, if possible, to ask same question to person-boss who gave you this feedback. It's in everybody's interest that issues are identified clearly by all sides, otherwise improvement won't happen. It might not work if he is too introvert/polite, then check with somebody else.

by epaga 10y ago

dijit 10y ago

hm, I am quite loud and direct. I'll ask a colleague to give me a nudge when I'm being too much. Others have mentioned a book, I'll make sure I read it and I hope it helps people's impressions of me. I just want to do the best I can and I love my work- I just get very frustrated by people who don't want to do their jobs. It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. Thanks for the feedback. :)

roflc0ptic 10y ago
Hey, some hopefully constructive feedback here: This sentence "It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic" is kind of a red flag. Think about how the people around you would feel about this comparison. It's pretty insulting, right? If you carry around the attitude that you're put upon dealing with other people's incompetence, they're going to notice and take it badly. Younger me would see my comment and say "so what? they're incompetent!" This is the wrong emotional reaction. It doesn't matter if they're incompetent. Telling them they're incompetent will harm your relationship with them, and worsen your LA traffic gridlock. There's almost always a way to be direct, correct and also kind. If you can't figure one out, then talk to someone. "Hey, I'm a little irritated about xyz situation, but I don't want to handle it badly. Do you have any suggestions for how I can constructively engage, or do you think I should just let it go?" Many people can't help, but some people have great emotional intelligence and can help crack those things open. I'm not particularly good at it, but man, the difference between trying and not trying is night and day.
- dijit 10y ago
  Thank you for the feedback! :) I understand what you mean. May I ask though, how can I convey my frustration to anyone? and how to I avoid becoming jaded and apathetic to my goals?
  - bjshepard 10y ago
    Re: conveying frustration: Ask questions -- once you try to understand a situation, the frustration will recede, at least partially.
  - rincebrain 10y ago
    My imperfect understanding would be that, at best, you could convey your frustration to someone well removed from your work environment. Frustration is rarely a constructive thing to convey. It may seem okay at times, but even if it's objectively justifiable, it's going to leave an impression on people. Too many of those, and everything you say is viewed through that lens.
  - gorbachev 10y ago
    Your boss. He should be the primary person responsible for making sure your organization minimizes the disruptions to your work. He may or may not be in a position to personally solve any issues, but at least you have now shared concerns about your work environment with someone "up the chain". That person could also be a project manager or any other person who is ultimately responsible for deliverables. It IS their job to make sure you deliver. If you are getting constantly blocked for external reasons, they should know and work towards fixing those issues. I'm in the exact same boat, btw. Good luck.
  - whamlastxmas 10y ago
    >how can I convey my frustration to anyone You don't. If something is impeding you, calmly tell someone who can help that you're having trouble doing something because of XYZ. Don't be negative or pessimistic or blame anyone. The problem is if you're always frustrated, everyone is going to view you as an angry asshole. I am constantly frustrated but I gave up doing anything about it when it's out of my control. I just move on.
bjourne 10y ago
> Others have mentioned a book, I'll make sure I read it and I hope it helps people's impressions of me. I just want to do the best I can and I love my work- I just get very frustrated by people who don't want to do their jobs. > It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. I must say I really understand what you mean. :) But I think I have learned that to strong emotions, either positive or negative, doesn't belong in the workplace. It costs so much when you get burnt and dumb bosses interfere and imposes their will. I still do 100% everyday and every hour I work, but I'm a little emotionally detached or shielded from the result of it. Instead, I'm contributing to a free software project where I can be really passionate. You should probably try that too.
circlefavshape 10y ago
> It's like driving a Ferrari in LA traffic. You're the Ferrari, your co-workers are the traffic? Are you fucking serious? This is the crux of the problem - you think you are better than everyone else, and you make that obvious. Unless you can get your ego under control this will be a serious impediment to your career.
- dijit 10y ago
  The situation as I describe it is certainly apt, I'm not calling them out on being "traffic" but it's more like this: I am dedicated to a project, my sole job is to ensure the continuity and delivery of the product that the project makes. Part of this is relying on central IT, who do not want to delegate responsibility on certain things (IE; firewalls, networking, authentication, timekeeping, package management services, storage, etc). Those people are constrained because they are used by every project. While it's not their fault they're not fully available to me at all times when I need them; being blocked by a firewall for a week is frustrating. It stops me being able to complete tasks for extended periods of time. So yes, I am trying to move, and they are not moving. It's not their fault but that's the fact as it stands.
  - burkaman 10y ago
    Traffic is normal, the issue is thinking of yourself as a Ferrari. You are a normal car in LA traffic, just like everyone else. Everyone has to move slower because of the organization, everyone gets blocked sometimes. If you actually can't do anything for a week then talk to your boss, but with the attitude of "this is a fact of life and I'm looking for something else to work on in the meantime", not "these assholes are holding me back".
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
  - atsaloli 10y ago
    @dijit, if you want to improve your relationships, practice the Golden Rule (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule), treat others as you would want to be treated, and don't treat them the way you wouldn't want to be treated. Have a look at http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/try-not-to-do-things-to-others-that-you-would-not-like-them-to-do-to-you.html http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/... and http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/try-to-treat-others-as-you-would-want-them-to-treat-you.html http://www.thewaytohappiness.org/thewaytohappiness/precepts/... which describe and give examples of both sides of this rule. Don't concentrate on how others may be treating you (delaying your projects) or what you might be doing wrong (toxic interactions) but focus on the positive way you can treat others (fairly? with respect? helping them? etc.) I challenge you to practice the Golden Rule assiduously for a week and see how life seems then. =) Good luck!
nojvek 10y ago
Have you considered switching to a less beurocratic team/company. I used to be in a place where I'd fight the system. Most felt the system was good enough. Moving to a team where your personal values are aligned with team values, may be you won't need to have those discussions.
douche 10y ago
If you're in typical corporate IT, driving a Ferrari in LA traffic is an understatement. I'm baffled by the mass incompetence I see on a daily basis. Changes that should take 15 minutes to implement take two or three weeks of dilly-dallying and shilly-shallying. Fiddle-fucking around abounds. You treasure those occasions that you get to deal with a marginally competent US/UK/EU IT person, rather than a person from elsewhere who has 0 authority, independent thinking, and more often than not is an outsourced contractor with no official status and less real knowledge.
bobdole1234 10y ago
Woosh.

saiya-jin 10y ago

Perfect advice. I would add, if possible, to ask same question to person-boss who gave you this feedback. It's in everybody's interest that issues are identified clearly by all sides, otherwise improvement won't happen. It might not work if he is too introvert/polite, then check with somebody else.