3 ms·

I think it's important in such situations to assess whether the problem is mostly you or the culture. Have you had similar problems in other places? Is it this

I think it's important in such situations to assess whether the problem is mostly you or the culture. Have you had similar problems in other places? Is it this particular place? Most likely it's a combination of the two, but it's worth considering what amount of effort / potentially active dishonesty it will take to fit in with the culture of the place, whether such a culture is a good thing, and whether there might not be better environments for you elsewhere. I strongly disagree with the people advising self-help books on helping one interact with people; I tend to think the later is a kind of prescribed culture bordering on forced. It's possible to be a decent human being and co-worker (and apparently has been, if you allow that people are decent) without reading self-help books and fitting in to other people's model of 'polite' and 'pleasant'.

mk89 10y ago
I agree with you! I remember that in a previous company I worked for, I had a few colleagues quite old (early employees of a startup which after 10 years got bought) who were toxic/poisonous (it was evident) and they were continuously told to change behavior. However, they just didn't fit anymore in the new company's culture - which was bad in my opinion, but I can't imagine how fucked up it must have been for those colleagues, considering that they had seen the early great times - a lot of fun, a lot to do, good managers with a good attitude, and so forth. Sometimes it's really due to "the others", and it's then that you need to realize that the earlier you leave, the better it is for you.
balfirevic 10y ago
Well, first of all, OP admitted himself that he does not understand what others perceive as inappropriate behavior and would like to learn. I cannot think of more appropriate place to recommend a book that explains exactly that. Furthermore, such self-help books are recommended for the OP's benefit, not (only) of those around him. It's fine if you don't care to fit into models of 'polite' and 'pleasant', but you should at least know what you're missing out on.
crispyambulance 10y ago
I agree that self-help books may have dubious value, but not because they try to force people into a "prescribed culture". What the OP needs is someone who cares about him, a mentor, to give him a much-needed reality check when challenging interactions occur at work. There's no replacement for someone who can perceive things which you can't to tell you what is _actually_ going on in any particular situation. The problem with a book is that it can't, usually, force someone to see things in a different way. In other words, a book can't tell you "No, stop, your interpretation is all wrong!" A human-being can. I recommend that the OP seek out a trusted colleague who can mentor him through this. That said, there IS a book I recommend. "Fearless Change: Patterns for Introducing New Ideas" by Linda Rising. It is all about effective strategies for introducing new ideas into organizations which are naturally resistant to change. The OP indicated there's a problem with the org accepting his ideas. I see this a lot-- really smart technical people who see solutions but can't get them implemented because of organizational obstacles. Some mindsets will act like a bull in a bull-fight and just keep charging head-first only to get increasingly frustrated. The book gives some ways to approach organizational blocks by taking a longer view and enlisting the critical cooperation of others (and no, that does not mean merely making a logical argument).

mk89 10y ago

I agree with you! I remember that in a previous company I worked for, I had a few colleagues quite old (early employees of a startup which after 10 years got bought) who were toxic/poisonous (it was evident) and they were continuously told to change behavior. However, they just didn't fit anymore in the new company's culture - which was bad in my opinion, but I can't imagine how fucked up it must have been for those colleagues, considering that they had seen the early great times - a lot of fun, a lot to do, good managers with a good attitude, and so forth. Sometimes it's really due to "the others", and it's then that you need to realize that the earlier you leave, the better it is for you.

balfirevic 10y ago

Well, first of all, OP admitted himself that he does not understand what others perceive as inappropriate behavior and would like to learn. I cannot think of more appropriate place to recommend a book that explains exactly that. Furthermore, such self-help books are recommended for the OP's benefit, not (only) of those around him. It's fine if you don't care to fit into models of 'polite' and 'pleasant', but you should at least know what you're missing out on.

crispyambulance 10y ago

I agree that self-help books may have dubious value, but not because they try to force people into a "prescribed culture". What the OP needs is someone who cares about him, a mentor, to give him a much-needed reality check when challenging interactions occur at work. There's no replacement for someone who can perceive things which you can't to tell you what is _actually_ going on in any particular situation. The problem with a book is that it can't, usually, force someone to see things in a different way. In other words, a book can't tell you "No, stop, your interpretation is all wrong!" A human-being can. I recommend that the OP seek out a trusted colleague who can mentor him through this. That said, there IS a book I recommend. "Fearless Change: Patterns for Introducing New Ideas" by Linda Rising. It is all about effective strategies for introducing new ideas into organizations which are naturally resistant to change. The OP indicated there's a problem with the org accepting his ideas. I see this a lot-- really smart technical people who see solutions but can't get them implemented because of organizational obstacles. Some mindsets will act like a bull in a bull-fight and just keep charging head-first only to get increasingly frustrated. The book gives some ways to approach organizational blocks by taking a longer view and enlisting the critical cooperation of others (and no, that does not mean merely making a logical argument).