I still think this is a good idea. Of course, you have to do it delicately. You can just bring it humbly up in the conversation, like "yah, I didn't get the j

I still think this is a good idea. Of course, you have to do it delicately. You can just bring it humbly up in the conversation, like "yah, I didn't get the job. Apparently one of my references said something that they didn't like. Or maybe I blew the interview. Sheesh." After starting the conversation and discussing other things about the job the refs may confess what they did say. It may not be anything that they think was bad ("What? I just mentioned that you get high at lunch occasionally. No big deal- lots of people do.") in which case you can have a calm discussion about what to say next time ("ummm, maybe leave that bit out..."). But honestly, this part worries me: I nearly damaged that relationship yesterday in course of asking I'm trying to imagine that conversation. If you an aggressive, emotional person then I'm imagining, then it may not have been just one reference. It may be something that came through in their conversations with everybody, including you. You may need to chill a little in general- and work on your 'people skills.' If you are the "brutally honest" type, for example, you may face this problem again if don't learn how to get along. Learn how to make people feel good about themselves rather than bad and you'll get farther.