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As someone who has struggled with this, it is always quite illuminating to me to see the difference between going to a public event by yourself v. with one or t

As someone who has struggled with this, it is always quite illuminating to me to see the difference between going to a public event by yourself v. with one or two other people. Just one companion/compadre makes an almost binary difference in terms of feeling "like everyone is questioning why you are there by yourself". Two companions are best as conversation can peter off with just one. The point of this is - invite along people to things you might have gone to yourself in the past. The more advanced level is approaching people around you like this is something you do normally. Good luck, I know how easy it is to fall into a social rut - and it just takes one friend to change everything (for going out).

pmarreck 10y ago
While I've had a decent time with a good friend, it's somewhat liberating to go alone. Re: "why everyone is questioning why you are there by yourself": This may depend on the area. I lived in Boston for a while and people seemed openly hostile about solo guys. I remember I went to the Enormous Room (RIP: http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-enormous-room-cambridge http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-enormous-room-cambridge) one night by myself and got questioned multiple times why I was alone there... The funny thing is that 2 friends I know randomly showed up there on the same night, so I didn't actually end up alone after all... I just go alone sometimes because it is freeing.
- rimantas 10y ago
  Must be USA thing.
  - vonklaus 10y ago
    can you clarify? Do you mean enjoyment of going alone, or others questioning you for your lack of compatriots?
  - Broken_Hippo 10y ago
    Yes! Well, I don't know if it is particular only to the USA, but.. that is one of the freedoms I gained when I moved to Norway. Perfectly acceptable to go see music in a bar by myself, or to any social function, etc. - and I don't feel out of place doing it. Nor do I get hassled about being a female walking to/from home during the night after going to the same places. Doing the same things in the states, you feel the aloneness more and it is much more rare for folks to do.
    - colmvp 10y ago
      Eh I don't know. When I was in Paris, going to concerts alone was fine but the days when my friends were there to chat and interact with me we're far more happy and full.
- 98Windows 10y ago
  I think it depends on how well your social needs are being met in the rest of your life, if you are lonely going to a event like that alone can make you feel worse.
tuxracer 10y ago
> feeling "like everyone is questioning why you are there by yourself" This sounds like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect In reality it's likely that nobody noticed you much at all, and almost certainly didn't care to analyze why you're by yourself or even if you really are by yourself. It can be actually liberating to realize that random strangers you're not interacting with couldn't care less about you short of some kind of medical emergency (and sometimes even then...) It can be more fun to go to events with people. It can also be more fun to go by yourself. Just realize either way people around you are unlikely to care or even notice either way.
- blazespin 10y ago
  Well, it depends on the event and the people. Some people are endless gossip and all they care about are what other people are doing. Some people love to hang out and people watch. Which, btw, is a great thing to do if you're alone :D
- ptrincr 10y ago
  Thanks for sharing this link, very interesting.
- thebooktocome 10y ago
  At least in the states, women who are perceived to be alone or merely without male companion really are noticed by a certain kind of guy as available for harassment.
- Tsagadai 10y ago
  Not to sound like too much of an egotist but some of us really are noticed an awful lot and spotlight effect sounds pretty alien to me. I am very tall (over two meters) so that is definitely part of it. I am very outgoing and I tend to go to events alone (because few friends share all my interests and I am fairly antisocial and impatient). All that congeals into many people remembering me and I don't remember them (except interesting stories separated from identities). I don't think most people remember me but many do, they have told me so. It would be quite an experience to just be able to be unnoticed in a crowd but it is one I have never really experienced in larger crowds as there is always some extrovert introduces themselves. I daresay intentional attention seekers and those with some physical quality that greatly distinguishes them from the norm would have a similar experience.
throwawayway 10y ago
Honestly, nobody cares if you are there by yourself or with friends. It's not a big deal to others if its not a big deal to you. One way to tackle this to just view everyone as your friend when you go somewhere. Some of your friends might have bad day, but you know you are friends so you are okay with that and move on to talk with your other friends. "Know thyself" might be appropriate here. This is from someone who has been sick for several years due to physical illness, has no friends and spends 99% of time by himself.

pmarreck 10y ago

While I've had a decent time with a good friend, it's somewhat liberating to go alone. Re: "why everyone is questioning why you are there by yourself": This may depend on the area. I lived in Boston for a while and people seemed openly hostile about solo guys. I remember I went to the Enormous Room (RIP: http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-enormous-room-cambridge http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-enormous-room-cambridge) one night by myself and got questioned multiple times why I was alone there... The funny thing is that 2 friends I know randomly showed up there on the same night, so I didn't actually end up alone after all... I just go alone sometimes because it is freeing.

rimantas 10y ago
Must be USA thing.
- vonklaus 10y ago
  can you clarify? Do you mean enjoyment of going alone, or others questioning you for your lack of compatriots?
- Broken_Hippo 10y ago
  Yes! Well, I don't know if it is particular only to the USA, but.. that is one of the freedoms I gained when I moved to Norway. Perfectly acceptable to go see music in a bar by myself, or to any social function, etc. - and I don't feel out of place doing it. Nor do I get hassled about being a female walking to/from home during the night after going to the same places. Doing the same things in the states, you feel the aloneness more and it is much more rare for folks to do.
  - colmvp 10y ago
    Eh I don't know. When I was in Paris, going to concerts alone was fine but the days when my friends were there to chat and interact with me we're far more happy and full.
98Windows 10y ago
I think it depends on how well your social needs are being met in the rest of your life, if you are lonely going to a event like that alone can make you feel worse.

tuxracer 10y ago

> feeling "like everyone is questioning why you are there by yourself" This sounds like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect In reality it's likely that nobody noticed you much at all, and almost certainly didn't care to analyze why you're by yourself or even if you really are by yourself. It can be actually liberating to realize that random strangers you're not interacting with couldn't care less about you short of some kind of medical emergency (and sometimes even then...) It can be more fun to go to events with people. It can also be more fun to go by yourself. Just realize either way people around you are unlikely to care or even notice either way.

blazespin 10y ago
Well, it depends on the event and the people. Some people are endless gossip and all they care about are what other people are doing. Some people love to hang out and people watch. Which, btw, is a great thing to do if you're alone :D
ptrincr 10y ago
Thanks for sharing this link, very interesting.
thebooktocome 10y ago
At least in the states, women who are perceived to be alone or merely without male companion really are noticed by a certain kind of guy as available for harassment.
Tsagadai 10y ago
Not to sound like too much of an egotist but some of us really are noticed an awful lot and spotlight effect sounds pretty alien to me. I am very tall (over two meters) so that is definitely part of it. I am very outgoing and I tend to go to events alone (because few friends share all my interests and I am fairly antisocial and impatient). All that congeals into many people remembering me and I don't remember them (except interesting stories separated from identities). I don't think most people remember me but many do, they have told me so. It would be quite an experience to just be able to be unnoticed in a crowd but it is one I have never really experienced in larger crowds as there is always some extrovert introduces themselves. I daresay intentional attention seekers and those with some physical quality that greatly distinguishes them from the norm would have a similar experience.

throwawayway 10y ago

Honestly, nobody cares if you are there by yourself or with friends. It's not a big deal to others if its not a big deal to you. One way to tackle this to just view everyone as your friend when you go somewhere. Some of your friends might have bad day, but you know you are friends so you are okay with that and move on to talk with your other friends. "Know thyself" might be appropriate here. This is from someone who has been sick for several years due to physical illness, has no friends and spends 99% of time by himself.