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I'm having a hard time reconciling these two points: * Take all criticism as total truth and take it personally * Take no responsibility for your behavior

wgj 17y ago
This (kind of) restates the inverse of two of the four agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally. Always Do Your Best. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_%C3%81ngel_Ruiz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_%C3%81ngel_Ruiz
dhs 17y ago
My experience is that different personalities stay stressed in different ways. E.g., I very much tend to do the former, and have repeatedly picked partners who tended to do the latter. It sure makes for dysfunctional relationships.
endtwist 17y ago
Seems to me that the author has tried to break it down into six groups of actions a person will do to keep themselves stressed — a kind of "personality type," if you will. He simply left out any sort of naming/header for each group.
neilk 17y ago
Surely you can see there's a middle ground where you listen to other people's views, but don't accept them immediately. All-or-nothing thinking is another big stressor, by the way.
- RyanMcGreal 17y ago
  Your reply is stressing me out. :)
  - neilk 17y ago
    :) On a more serious note, it really does help to pull back from the extremes. I'm guilty of oscillating between thinking of myself as the absolute best or the absolute worst. Both are a struggle to live with. Or demanding absolute clarity about principles before proceeding. It's important to tolerating ambiguity. And trust in yourself to navigate even without perfect knowledge.
sophacles 17y ago
They aren't really conflicting. The middle-ground coms from recognizing things that really are your responsibility, while ignoring the parts that have nothing to do with you. Basically they are extremes to be avoided. Taking some criticism is probably a good idea -- it can be helpful. Similarly passing blame even when the problem is your fault is probably a bad idea. Say, for instance, you are on a project with a couple other developers. Your main responsibilities have been features a, b, and c. Further you noticed d and e were pretty messed up, and helped a junior developer start straightening them out. Some milestone is reached, and you have a code review with the senior dev (who is one of those arrogant guys who may be pretty good, but is also a condescending asshat). He says "your factoring on a,b, and c could be done this way instead, how could you not see something so simple. As for d and e you really screwed the pooch there". The extremes would be "Gosh i am stupid, I really messed up factoring and features, I need to work 80 hour weeks to make up for it" and "It was all junior dev's fault -- if only he didn't need help i could have factored right, and you wouldn't even think to talk to me about d and e." In reality (reconciling the two statements) a good approach would ignore the stupidity insinuation, acknowledge that the factoring could be better, and say "Listen d and e aren't even mine, I'm helping junior dev learn the ropes, so there are mistakes, but they're getting better, you should have seen it last week".

wgj 17y ago

This (kind of) restates the inverse of two of the four agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally. Always Do Your Best. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_%C3%81ngel_Ruiz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miguel_%C3%81ngel_Ruiz

dhs 17y ago

My experience is that different personalities stay stressed in different ways. E.g., I very much tend to do the former, and have repeatedly picked partners who tended to do the latter. It sure makes for dysfunctional relationships.

endtwist 17y ago

Seems to me that the author has tried to break it down into six groups of actions a person will do to keep themselves stressed — a kind of "personality type," if you will. He simply left out any sort of naming/header for each group.

neilk 17y ago

Surely you can see there's a middle ground where you listen to other people's views, but don't accept them immediately. All-or-nothing thinking is another big stressor, by the way.

RyanMcGreal 17y ago
Your reply is stressing me out. :)
- neilk 17y ago
  :) On a more serious note, it really does help to pull back from the extremes. I'm guilty of oscillating between thinking of myself as the absolute best or the absolute worst. Both are a struggle to live with. Or demanding absolute clarity about principles before proceeding. It's important to tolerating ambiguity. And trust in yourself to navigate even without perfect knowledge.

sophacles 17y ago

They aren't really conflicting. The middle-ground coms from recognizing things that really are your responsibility, while ignoring the parts that have nothing to do with you. Basically they are extremes to be avoided. Taking some criticism is probably a good idea -- it can be helpful. Similarly passing blame even when the problem is your fault is probably a bad idea. Say, for instance, you are on a project with a couple other developers. Your main responsibilities have been features a, b, and c. Further you noticed d and e were pretty messed up, and helped a junior developer start straightening them out. Some milestone is reached, and you have a code review with the senior dev (who is one of those arrogant guys who may be pretty good, but is also a condescending asshat). He says "your factoring on a,b, and c could be done this way instead, how could you not see something so simple. As for d and e you really screwed the pooch there". The extremes would be "Gosh i am stupid, I really messed up factoring and features, I need to work 80 hour weeks to make up for it" and "It was all junior dev's fault -- if only he didn't need help i could have factored right, and you wouldn't even think to talk to me about d and e." In reality (reconciling the two statements) a good approach would ignore the stupidity insinuation, acknowledge that the factoring could be better, and say "Listen d and e aren't even mine, I'm helping junior dev learn the ropes, so there are mistakes, but they're getting better, you should have seen it last week".