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From the vantage point of a 20-year marriage: it's always about compromising, about settling. My wife and I had, I suppose, one of those romantic, instant conne
by rajat 17y ago
From the vantage point of a 20-year marriage: it's always about compromising, about settling. My wife and I had, I suppose, one of those romantic, instant connections. She's from Sweden, my parents are from India and I grew up in the Bronx. We ran into each other at IBM Research, and we moved in together on our second date. Instant chemistry, very romantic.
But during the 20 years of marriage, the way we met didn't matter. Marriage is something else than about that initial burst of lust, or gushing romance or whatever. When you get woken up at 4 in the morning by your soulmate because the dog needs to go outside to pee and she certainly isn't about to leave the warm bed, believe me, romantic love is not what makes you jump out of bed.
I think we have unrealistic expectations about romance. Living together is freaking hard; giving up one's independence and having to be ready to compromise about every damned last thing in life (except maybe what you do in the potty) is hard. And once you compromise, if you're smart and want to stay happy, you have to be enthusiastic about the compromise, or you get bitter. Be happy, even when you didn't get what you want.
Still, despite all the compromises, all the things we had to work out, here I am 20 years later, and the love I had for her on that first day we met seems like a pale imitation to what I feel today. You have to work at it, and you end up with something a lot more. I don't know about settling, but instant love connection or not, making the marriage work is the hard part, and the real love in life comes from that work.
- altano 17y agoCongrats on the many years together. It sounds like you (and presumably your wife) have a great attitude. Reminds me of the dialogue from Good Will Hunting where Robbin Williams explains what he misses most about his wife (she died of cancer). > and the love I had for her on that first day we met seems like a pale imitation to what I feel today It's only people who realize that compromise, distance, and honesty are some of the ingredients required to bring two people together (happily) for life.
- jf 17y agoThanks for sharing this. I'm about to hit my one year anniversary and it's advice like yours that I'm keeping in mind for the long run.
- impeachgod 17y agoI suppose this is why I don't ever want to marry. I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything. I want to be like Richard Stallman with his iron stubbornness. I think some people are built for marriage, some are not.
- rajat 17y agoDon't do a startup with other founders either then. Not all compromises mean that you lose something; often it is the only way to win. Insisting on independence can become rigidity. If you aren't ready to compromise, experience with other founders will simply be bitter and acrimonious. I have done four startups now, and have been fortunate enough to have become independent (that was the goal, not to become rich). Each startup has been made immeasurably easier because I have a wife that has helped me, and she too has had to undoubtedly compromise. I have seen what my single co-founders or near founders have experience, and no way would I have gone through my experiences with as much fun as I have had without my wife's support. She has her own indie business now--and nicely profitable it is too--and I take some measure of pride in having helped her with it every day. Helping her has meant putting off or not doing something that I wanted to do. And finally, the LGPL was a compromise.
- Tichy 17y ago"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.
- impeachgod 17y agoThat would be like saying that "my compromise is that I couldn't experience prison."
- Tichy 17y agoHow is marriage like prison? It's mainly meant to save taxes and to enable you to see your spouse in the hospital.