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This is interesting, because it shows exactly the kind of miscommunication that I witness so often. Because "Redheads are ugly" is supposed to be interpreted as
by gizmo 17y ago
This is interesting, because it shows exactly the kind of miscommunication that I witness so often. Because "Redheads are ugly" is supposed to be interpreted as "I think most redheads are ugly and of course there are obvious exceptions." It's a generalization that has absolutely no bearing any individual person, so the thought "he thinks my wife is ugly" shouldn't even enter your mind (even though I understand that for many people it will).
Needless to say, this can still rub people the wrong way, exactly for the reasons you describe. So it's a social rule to never say anything negative when there is a positive substitute. Saying "I think blondes and brunettes are attractive" is always preferable to "I think redheads are ugly". Even though the one essentially implies the other.
The second thing I'd like to emphasize is that you said "I would think [...] that's fine". A lot of people would say, "My wife is a redhead" and instantly make the conversation take a turn for the worse. Exactly as you say, you have to give the other party an "easy out", and by stating "My wife is a redhead" you put the other guy's back to the wall.
I think the "easy out" rule is probably the one rule I see socially capable people violate the most.
- mcantor 17y agoA: "She's not my type." B: "Why not?" A: "I think redheads are ugly." B: "My wife's a redhead." A: "So?" B: "Well..." A: "Do you think she's ugly?" B: "No." A: "So, no problem!"
- gizmo 17y agoYeah, "normal" people don't talk like that though. In a nerd setting I can imagine a conversation going like that, where every statement is made plainly and matter-of-factly. Many people would read the "So?" as a confirmation that (a) you don't like redheads and (b) you know B's wife is a redhead so (c) you're insulting his wife on purpose, so (d) you're looking for a fight.
- mcantor 17y agoThat's why you have to practice the correct social timing to cut in with "Do you think she's ugly?". If you're ashamed of your opinions--"Oh God, I think redheads are ugly, and thus have insulted his wife!"--they'll pick up on that and a fight may ensue. If you skip the illogical guilt and move on to the truth: "My opinion has no bearing on his wife being 'objectively' beautiful or not," you are much more prepared to avoid a violent confrontation, both in your diction and your demeanor. Though it's probably easier to say "red-heads aren't really my type," which expresses the same sentiment but with less of a loaded word. Thus, you provoke a milder emotional response, have communicated your feelings honestly, and can go back to picking out cute girls sooner.