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Matching other people's expectations about grief is a fool's errant, and I completely understand the impulse to just hide it - in fact, I believe that's a good
by Udo 10y ago
Matching other people's expectations about grief is a fool's errant, and I completely understand the impulse to just hide it - in fact, I believe that's a good default plan.
When my mother died from cancer, there were two extreme reactions from immediate family and friends: the first group believed that I was no longer a functioning human being and needed acute help, the second group told me a few days after her death that I should be over it by now since parents die and everybody is fine with that. The interesting part is, both reactions happened without me knowingly showing any outward signs of extreme grief, I had simply told them I needed some time to myself. I'm very very glad that I didn't try to make people "understand" how I felt at the time.
When my cat got sick and died from congestive heart failure two years ago, some of the reactions I got were "I bet you failed to take care of her properly and that's why she died", and "whatever, just get a new one, they're interchangeable". Again, I didn't communicate to the outside how I felt, because it's utterly pointless. If people react like that without any data, I can only speculate how bad and besides the point things would have gotten had I actually opened up about it.
As soon as you grieve publicly, people will start telling you how to move on and why your grief is inappropriate. But grief is not for other people to participate in the first place, it's a personal experience. Especially when it's a pet (and the male cat owner is probably the most stigmatised culturally), many friends and family won't understand, and it can't be your mission to make them understand.
In my opinion, being outwardly stoic while grieving is almost always the best option for everybody involved.
- dano 10y agoHi Udo - in complete agreement here. In my own grief I grew to understand that the path is different and that those who have not experienced death simply do not understand. On occasions I'm reminded to forgive those around me who don't get it. I made new and lasting friends out of those who provided support and consolation at the right time, and lost people who were superficially friends. Recently while reading Shakespeare I came across Constance's statement on Grief from King John which expressed to me how persistent grief can be. Constance: Grief fills the room up of my absent child, Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words, Remembers me of all his gracious parts, Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form; Then, have I reason to be fond of grief? Fare you well: had you such a loss as I, I could give better comfort than you do. I will not keep this form upon my head, When there is such disorder in my wit. O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son! My life, my joy, my food, my all the world! My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure! For those pets, parents, grandparents, and others that have passed, I continue to miss them, perhaps more than I should. Don't we all?
- ugdg 10y agoI am not so sure about this. It may feel like a good default plan, while you are going through things, but I feel (atleast in my case) there were consequences longer term. Especially when roles are reversed and the person you care about isn't coping well and needs help. In those cases I found myself backing off when I actually needed to be stepping in to help.
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- drumdance 10y agoWow, I can't imagine getting those kinds of reactions from my friends, especially about your cat.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- JadeNB 10y agoWithout responding to the rest of your post, I hope that I may take a moment to spit on anyone who said: > I bet you failed to take care of her properly and that's why she died. This is an awful, awful, sub-human thing to say, especially for someone who doesn't know anything about the situation. Among the responses that I got when my cat passed away, the one that meant the most to me was from my vet, who said "you must have taken very good care of your cat for him to have lived to the age that he did." This helped an enormous amount with the intense guilt that I felt. As such, and particularly to stand up against the assholes who said otherwise, I hope that I may say that I'm sure you did everything that you could for your cat, and made her life as healthy and happy as possible.