4 ms·

Here's an uncomfortable thought: an effective 1-to-1 mapping between men and women probably doesn't exist. The fact of the matter is that women are primarily i

Here's an uncomfortable thought: an effective 1-to-1 mapping between men and women probably doesn't exist. The fact of the matter is that women are primarily interested in a top smaller percentage of high value men (this is called hypergamy). This smaller group of desirable men would most like to have multiple mates (this is called polygamy). Marriage, and the accompanying culture and customs, 'corrects' this by trying to create a 1-to-1 mapping. Both extreme strategies described are traditionally shamed and discouraged. Why? Because marriage (monogamous long-term bonding) is good for society. It incentivizes the largest amount of people to be productive, and reduces civil unrest by distributing sexual access to women across as many men as possible. For more on sex and society, check out J.D. Unwin: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._D._Unwin https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._D._Unwin Now, how this relates to dating difficulties. The fact of the matter is that people become unhappy in a relationship of any kind when they think they are getting the short end of the stick, and could be doing better. They'll rationalize it six ways to Sunday, "my partner doesn't understand me", "my partner smothers me", "they don't do enough chores", "we don't understand ourselves", whatever, but at the end of the day they think they ought to have a better mate, and are fed up with their current one! And oh golly gee, look at the easily accessible options out there. Swiping for a new novel partner is so much easier than building anything substantial. Plus they might be better in bed. This is especially true of women, who, by pure numerical inevitability, largely marry below what they would prefer. We know that women initiate most divorces too, at ~70% (fun fact: among college-eduated couples, that number rises to 90%). A smaller amount of men end up locked to one person too, when they know in another world they could have more mates. Such are the sacrifices for the monogamous society - often referred to as patriarchal, because women are more sexually restricted. So in conclusion, what bothers me about articles like this, who delve deep into rationalizations instead of simple mate value and attractiveness, is the implication of a 1-to-1 mapping between men and women. Is there a 'Soul Mate' for most people? Probably not.

rustynails 11y ago
Thanks for a great post. I can see the potential for what you describe. My goal was quite simple: rather than a popularity contest, I wanted someone who was my intellectual equal. This was a novel concept to the women I dated. None of them could cope: dominate or be dominated was the game. I knew my wife as a friend for 10 years before we married. To this day, we see each other as equals, which is unbelievably fulfilling (even after years of marriage). Other than our love of technology (as early geeks) we don't have many hobbies in common. I don't think any dating sites would have helped us find each other because of our different interests. I don't believe in a soul mate and never did. My wife and I both understand our personal needs and our needs as a couple. Find that commonality and you are likely to find great happiness.
marincounty 11y ago
"Is there a 'Soul Mate' for most people? Probably not." Sadly, I think you are right. There's still a part of that believes in the Soul Mate thing, but in my case it's always been tied into looks, and my immediate surroundings. And I never thought, on my worst day; I was remotely superficial, but I am. I've gotten to the point, where I just cringe when I hear someone is getting married. I will admit to this though. I definetly think there's something to chemistry. I've always had something inside myself that just knew when a physical relationship would work. That chemistry had nothing to do with physical appearance. Sometimes I really didn't even like, nor respect the person I was with. If any dating site can come up with a chemistry app, they would make a fortune. And no--just because someone photographs well; in no correlates to chemistry, at least for myself. I once dated this very attractive lady. She knew she was attractive, but wasen't capitalizing on it then. When we held each other, their was just someting that didn't feel right. One night she accused me of being gay. I took the easy way out, and said "maybe", but in reality being with her was like hugging my sister. I made the mistake of being too honest with a girlfrined once. We were being honest about our past partners. She kept on asking me, "Why did you sleep with her, if you couldn't stand her?". I told her the truth--because sex has nothing to do with love. She was irate that night, and following week, but had me repeat that story over, and over again. We were both drinking when she would ask me to repeat these non-love sex stories. Ugh--went off course again. I'm not feeling well. I have Shingles on my torso, and never thought the pain would be this intense.
- dang 11y ago
  We've banned this account because comments like this don't belong here and requests to stop (e.g. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11338015 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11338015) haven't worked. I'm sorry about the pain you're in, and don't want to ban you, but these comments have been over the line frequently and for a long time. If at some point you're ready not to post any more of them, and keep to the HN rules, you're welcome to email us at hn@ycombinator.com.
  - chippy 11y ago
    I think comments like this (girlfriends) with regards to the article (dating, finding a soul mate) is quite relevant.
stcredzero 11y ago
Here's an uncomfortable thought: an effective 1-to-1 mapping between men and women probably doesn't exist. So why am I not a high value male? I have an Ivy league education. I have a 6 figure income. I'm creative. I'm talented, to the point where I've competed in international music competitions. I think it's telling that the majority of the messages I get on Tinder are from east asians. I've also commented here in the past when I was dating a creole woman, and I was disappointed in the number of fellow commenters here who rejected the idea of dating someone apparently based on their race. The US, California, and the Bay Area in particular are fabulous multicultural societies, in the global and historical context. However, it's far from colorblind here. I've been racially an "anomaly" most of my life. The Bay Area is the first time I've experienced what it's like to be part of a "them."
- zxcvvcxz 11y ago
  I don't know why you were downvoted. It's an interesting question you bring up, maybe I can offer some perspective. Why do you feel not high value? You must have had poor experiences on the dating market I reckon. Here's the thing though. Your valuable traits you've listed imply a lot about your potential to provide (clarification: survival resources). In a first-world country where the women have their material resources met, the women just don't need that provider value as much. Think about it: Bay Area has a lot of above-average net worth families. Women are highly educated and employed. So your ability to provide, in and of itself, I don't think will be very attractive in your environment. Would it be more attractive to an East Asian from a less prosperous background? I would think so. Why is this? Harsher environments change sexual strategies and preferences. I highly recommend watching this video on r-K selection theory, it most certainly applies to humans as well on some level: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V06JBpW6O7I&index=3&list=PLMNj_r5bccUw40CpD-JYXJyVsDYsj7ITD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V06JBpW6O7I&index=3&list=PLM... Anyways, what now? Let's say you agree with my premise. I've seen plenty of guys there. I'm guessing you're a highly intelligent and hard-working first or second generation immigrant with a technical job. I've seen this pattern a lot: people like this have trouble with Western women. Well, you need to play more to social status to differentiate yourself. Things like charisma, social dominance, preselection (women like men that other women like) are things to look into. Looking good physically as a man goes a long way as well: get on a solid lifting / bodybuilding program, groom and dress well. There are plenty of resources all around for these things I've mentioned. To summarize: it's 2016 and you live in the Bay Area. You don't need to provide for women. You need to excite them. You need to differentiate from other men in attractiveness, both socially and physically. There are certain parts of the internet which focus on this stuff and have proven results, though I'll let you search around rather than linking anything here on HN (though I think someone else in this thread posted a link).
kevin365 11y ago
I totally agree. Women only date me for my money. I know this bc my personality blows (I generalize women online and sum them up with mathematical equations). Hopefully one day I'll find the most beautiful and richest women to date who will be my soul mate

rustynails 11y ago

Thanks for a great post. I can see the potential for what you describe. My goal was quite simple: rather than a popularity contest, I wanted someone who was my intellectual equal. This was a novel concept to the women I dated. None of them could cope: dominate or be dominated was the game. I knew my wife as a friend for 10 years before we married. To this day, we see each other as equals, which is unbelievably fulfilling (even after years of marriage). Other than our love of technology (as early geeks) we don't have many hobbies in common. I don't think any dating sites would have helped us find each other because of our different interests. I don't believe in a soul mate and never did. My wife and I both understand our personal needs and our needs as a couple. Find that commonality and you are likely to find great happiness.

marincounty 11y ago

"Is there a 'Soul Mate' for most people? Probably not." Sadly, I think you are right. There's still a part of that believes in the Soul Mate thing, but in my case it's always been tied into looks, and my immediate surroundings. And I never thought, on my worst day; I was remotely superficial, but I am. I've gotten to the point, where I just cringe when I hear someone is getting married. I will admit to this though. I definetly think there's something to chemistry. I've always had something inside myself that just knew when a physical relationship would work. That chemistry had nothing to do with physical appearance. Sometimes I really didn't even like, nor respect the person I was with. If any dating site can come up with a chemistry app, they would make a fortune. And no--just because someone photographs well; in no correlates to chemistry, at least for myself. I once dated this very attractive lady. She knew she was attractive, but wasen't capitalizing on it then. When we held each other, their was just someting that didn't feel right. One night she accused me of being gay. I took the easy way out, and said "maybe", but in reality being with her was like hugging my sister. I made the mistake of being too honest with a girlfrined once. We were being honest about our past partners. She kept on asking me, "Why did you sleep with her, if you couldn't stand her?". I told her the truth--because sex has nothing to do with love. She was irate that night, and following week, but had me repeat that story over, and over again. We were both drinking when she would ask me to repeat these non-love sex stories. Ugh--went off course again. I'm not feeling well. I have Shingles on my torso, and never thought the pain would be this intense.

dang 11y ago
We've banned this account because comments like this don't belong here and requests to stop (e.g. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11338015 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11338015) haven't worked. I'm sorry about the pain you're in, and don't want to ban you, but these comments have been over the line frequently and for a long time. If at some point you're ready not to post any more of them, and keep to the HN rules, you're welcome to email us at hn@ycombinator.com.
- chippy 11y ago
  I think comments like this (girlfriends) with regards to the article (dating, finding a soul mate) is quite relevant.

stcredzero 11y ago

Here's an uncomfortable thought: an effective 1-to-1 mapping between men and women probably doesn't exist. So why am I not a high value male? I have an Ivy league education. I have a 6 figure income. I'm creative. I'm talented, to the point where I've competed in international music competitions. I think it's telling that the majority of the messages I get on Tinder are from east asians. I've also commented here in the past when I was dating a creole woman, and I was disappointed in the number of fellow commenters here who rejected the idea of dating someone apparently based on their race. The US, California, and the Bay Area in particular are fabulous multicultural societies, in the global and historical context. However, it's far from colorblind here. I've been racially an "anomaly" most of my life. The Bay Area is the first time I've experienced what it's like to be part of a "them."

zxcvvcxz 11y ago
I don't know why you were downvoted. It's an interesting question you bring up, maybe I can offer some perspective. Why do you feel not high value? You must have had poor experiences on the dating market I reckon. Here's the thing though. Your valuable traits you've listed imply a lot about your potential to provide (clarification: survival resources). In a first-world country where the women have their material resources met, the women just don't need that provider value as much. Think about it: Bay Area has a lot of above-average net worth families. Women are highly educated and employed. So your ability to provide, in and of itself, I don't think will be very attractive in your environment. Would it be more attractive to an East Asian from a less prosperous background? I would think so. Why is this? Harsher environments change sexual strategies and preferences. I highly recommend watching this video on r-K selection theory, it most certainly applies to humans as well on some level: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V06JBpW6O7I&index=3&list=PLMNj_r5bccUw40CpD-JYXJyVsDYsj7ITD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V06JBpW6O7I&index=3&list=PLM... Anyways, what now? Let's say you agree with my premise. I've seen plenty of guys there. I'm guessing you're a highly intelligent and hard-working first or second generation immigrant with a technical job. I've seen this pattern a lot: people like this have trouble with Western women. Well, you need to play more to social status to differentiate yourself. Things like charisma, social dominance, preselection (women like men that other women like) are things to look into. Looking good physically as a man goes a long way as well: get on a solid lifting / bodybuilding program, groom and dress well. There are plenty of resources all around for these things I've mentioned. To summarize: it's 2016 and you live in the Bay Area. You don't need to provide for women. You need to excite them. You need to differentiate from other men in attractiveness, both socially and physically. There are certain parts of the internet which focus on this stuff and have proven results, though I'll let you search around rather than linking anything here on HN (though I think someone else in this thread posted a link).

kevin365 11y ago

I totally agree. Women only date me for my money. I know this bc my personality blows (I generalize women online and sum them up with mathematical equations). Hopefully one day I'll find the most beautiful and richest women to date who will be my soul mate