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It's amazing how well I can completely relate to this. I have been dipping in and out of burnout for a while now, and I realized that I really don't have any in

It's amazing how well I can completely relate to this. I have been dipping in and out of burnout for a while now, and I realized that I really don't have any interests outside of programming. I used to, but I guess I kinda burned everything when I started getting seriously into programming (age 12-ish, I guess). There are times when I find myself incapable of giving a flying fuck about a new web framework, or a new server orchestration tool, or even learning about semi-related things (to programming anyway) like graphics programming or ML. I have found that I need to cultivate other interests that I can focus on when I find myself in a tech-hating mood. Still haven't found anything that captivates me the way that computers used to. My biggest concern is that, even though I feel like I am getting capital-F Fucked by my current company, I have this pathological resistance to letting people down, and whenever I think about quitting, I get upset and those latent suicidal thoughts start cropping up. Not to mention that if I quit my job, I would be able to afford to support myself for about a week.

CaptSpify 11y ago
> My biggest concern is that, even though I feel like I am getting capital-F Fucked by my current company, I have this pathological resistance to letting people down, and whenever I think about quitting, I get upset and those latent suicidal thoughts start cropping up. Not to mention that if I quit my job, I would be able to afford to support myself for about a week. I'm kinda hoping your talking to someone about this. I don't think it's unnatural for you to think/feel this way, but suicidal thoughts are not a good sign. Also, I'd recommend trying to save up a bunch so that you could support yourself. I know it can be hard, but it's much less stressful than living paycheck to paycheck.
- tekromancr 11y ago
  Thank you for your concern, I mean that genuinely. I have been seeing a therapist regularly for over a year now. We are both pretty confident, despite really wanting to, I have enough coping strategies that I am not likely go through with it, so that's good. The money thing is a whole other ball of wax though. I have been saving pretty hard since at least last summer, and, as it stands I have around 500 bucks in my savings. Pretty much my whole paycheck is eaten by rent, food, and transit. Some times things like unexpected medical expenses come up, or my family needs money. I am actually in a position where I just can't afford to pay the state/city taxes this year on top of my federal taxes being fucked beyond belief. I know I could just call them to figure out what's up and get an extension, but even the thought of calling them is enough to inspire a panic reaction. If I think too hard about the situation I start getting really depressed, anxious, and resentful of pretty much everything.

CaptSpify 11y ago

> My biggest concern is that, even though I feel like I am getting capital-F Fucked by my current company, I have this pathological resistance to letting people down, and whenever I think about quitting, I get upset and those latent suicidal thoughts start cropping up. Not to mention that if I quit my job, I would be able to afford to support myself for about a week. I'm kinda hoping your talking to someone about this. I don't think it's unnatural for you to think/feel this way, but suicidal thoughts are not a good sign. Also, I'd recommend trying to save up a bunch so that you could support yourself. I know it can be hard, but it's much less stressful than living paycheck to paycheck.

tekromancr 11y ago
Thank you for your concern, I mean that genuinely. I have been seeing a therapist regularly for over a year now. We are both pretty confident, despite really wanting to, I have enough coping strategies that I am not likely go through with it, so that's good. The money thing is a whole other ball of wax though. I have been saving pretty hard since at least last summer, and, as it stands I have around 500 bucks in my savings. Pretty much my whole paycheck is eaten by rent, food, and transit. Some times things like unexpected medical expenses come up, or my family needs money. I am actually in a position where I just can't afford to pay the state/city taxes this year on top of my federal taxes being fucked beyond belief. I know I could just call them to figure out what's up and get an extension, but even the thought of calling them is enough to inspire a panic reaction. If I think too hard about the situation I start getting really depressed, anxious, and resentful of pretty much everything.