3 ms·

I couldn't identify with this story at all. If this happened to me - and it has in the past - I wouldn't think about any of that stuff. I'd just want them to fi

I couldn't identify with this story at all. If this happened to me - and it has in the past - I wouldn't think about any of that stuff. I'd just want them to finish me off. I'm thirty years old, and I feel like if I was shot dead for some pointless reason like my ancient Moto G phone and whatever pittance of money I had on me, I'd not feel bad about it at all. I'm not currently working because I've had some health problems over the past year, getting back into work is an impossible maze of we'll-call-you-backs, send-us-your-CV-and-we'll-get-back-to-yous, we'll-keep-you-on-files, jobs with hundreds of applications, waiting for emails and calls that never come. I feel like I'm a person too far in this part of the world, like there are too many people for the resources available and all I'm doing is taking up space, a sack of meat using up resources and contributing nothing. My dreams are modest - a minimum wage job and a small, private place to live - and yet they seem unattainable. Getting myself killed wouldn't bring any regrets for me, I wouldn't regret that I never got to live out my dreams, because I don't really have any. Killing me would free up some space for someone more worthwhile to take my space in the world. I'm not actually anything - I don't have a role in the world, I'm just trying to survive and make enough money to live, and I don't even know why I want to stay alive. I honestly wish this would happen to me.

madaxe_again 11y ago
:( You talk of feeling valueless within the context of industrialised society. There is a rather huge amount of world beyond the horizon, and many different ways of living. As someone who has come face to face with their own mortality in a few ways (some slow and creeping, some "oh shit I'm about to die"), and has also shared a similar perspective to yours in the past - there's something about being faced with the actual prospect of imminent death beyond your control that adjusts your perspective more than you can fathom. Either way - chin up, there's a lot more life to work and being "a functioning member of the economy". If you feel you're at rock bottom, then remember it can only get better.
- throwaway76931 11y ago
  I nearly died last year as a result of the health problems I was facing, and my immediate reaction was relief at the thought that I wouldn't have to face another day in the dead-end Linux sysadmin job I was doing at the time. My aim, long-term, was always to lead a simple and frugal life rather than to try and amass as much wealth as possible. A small home, a place to grow food, a modest income from various bits-and-bobs of work. But to do that, you need some money to start you out and that's where I'm failing. I'm out of the running for any professional jobs because of the break in employment and the competition for entry-level jobs is such that any slight gap in your employment history means you just get a "we'll call you back". Having had health issues and a gap in employment history seems to mean I am no longer a useful or valid member of society. I wish I had died last year, so I wouldn't be wasting everyone's time and space.
  - madaxe_again 11y ago
    I hear you with the health bit - if I weren't self employed I doubt any employer would have had the patience to sit through several years of erratic attendance, and it's been hard enough picking myself back up even with work to go back to, so I empathise with your position - I've been broke and hopeless before, too - serendipity usually strikes when you expect it least. Useful doesn't equate to validity - and the fact that you're able to think in such empathic terms suggests that you are more useful than you might think. Also, plenty of employers won't look at a gap and rule you out - big, autocratic miserable places will, but smaller shops usually care more about humans as people, and you might have more luck. You based in the uk? What sort of sysadmin/security experience have you got?
    - throwaway76931 11y ago
      I've worked mostly for charities and non-profit organisations in the past - I spent about three-four years working at a charity that provided hosting and audio streaming services to other organisations to generate income. It's a pretty standard Linux sysadmin skillset - we were a LAMP CentOS shop primarily, we virtualised with OpenVZ and subsequently VMWare, nothing too out-of-the-ordinary, just general solid administration skills.
swombat 11y ago
Read this: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/reasons-to-stay-alive/id914514684?mt=11 https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/reasons-to-stay-alive/id914...
- throwaway76931 11y ago
  The only way to stay alive is by making money, and if I can't get a job, I am by definition a useless, surplus person. If I can't make money, I can't stay alive.
  - wtbob 11y ago
    > if I can't get a job, I am by definition a useless, surplus person No, because you are a unique human being with your own unique value (yes, just like every other human being). Those aren't empty words: you're worth something.

madaxe_again 11y ago

:( You talk of feeling valueless within the context of industrialised society. There is a rather huge amount of world beyond the horizon, and many different ways of living. As someone who has come face to face with their own mortality in a few ways (some slow and creeping, some "oh shit I'm about to die"), and has also shared a similar perspective to yours in the past - there's something about being faced with the actual prospect of imminent death beyond your control that adjusts your perspective more than you can fathom. Either way - chin up, there's a lot more life to work and being "a functioning member of the economy". If you feel you're at rock bottom, then remember it can only get better.

throwaway76931 11y ago
I nearly died last year as a result of the health problems I was facing, and my immediate reaction was relief at the thought that I wouldn't have to face another day in the dead-end Linux sysadmin job I was doing at the time. My aim, long-term, was always to lead a simple and frugal life rather than to try and amass as much wealth as possible. A small home, a place to grow food, a modest income from various bits-and-bobs of work. But to do that, you need some money to start you out and that's where I'm failing. I'm out of the running for any professional jobs because of the break in employment and the competition for entry-level jobs is such that any slight gap in your employment history means you just get a "we'll call you back". Having had health issues and a gap in employment history seems to mean I am no longer a useful or valid member of society. I wish I had died last year, so I wouldn't be wasting everyone's time and space.
- madaxe_again 11y ago
  I hear you with the health bit - if I weren't self employed I doubt any employer would have had the patience to sit through several years of erratic attendance, and it's been hard enough picking myself back up even with work to go back to, so I empathise with your position - I've been broke and hopeless before, too - serendipity usually strikes when you expect it least. Useful doesn't equate to validity - and the fact that you're able to think in such empathic terms suggests that you are more useful than you might think. Also, plenty of employers won't look at a gap and rule you out - big, autocratic miserable places will, but smaller shops usually care more about humans as people, and you might have more luck. You based in the uk? What sort of sysadmin/security experience have you got?
  - throwaway76931 11y ago
    I've worked mostly for charities and non-profit organisations in the past - I spent about three-four years working at a charity that provided hosting and audio streaming services to other organisations to generate income. It's a pretty standard Linux sysadmin skillset - we were a LAMP CentOS shop primarily, we virtualised with OpenVZ and subsequently VMWare, nothing too out-of-the-ordinary, just general solid administration skills.

swombat 11y ago

Read this: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/reasons-to-stay-alive/id914514684?mt=11 https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/reasons-to-stay-alive/id914...

throwaway76931 11y ago
The only way to stay alive is by making money, and if I can't get a job, I am by definition a useless, surplus person. If I can't make money, I can't stay alive.
- wtbob 11y ago
  > if I can't get a job, I am by definition a useless, surplus person No, because you are a unique human being with your own unique value (yes, just like every other human being). Those aren't empty words: you're worth something.