Abstract: The premise of a last lecture, which is a tradition at some universities, is that if this were the last public lecture you would give, what would you

Abstract: The premise of a last lecture, which is a tradition at some universities, is that if this were the last public lecture you would give, what would you say? In the hope of starting that tradition here—in my actual final Berkeley lecture before I retire in June—I will give the fourth and final edition of my bad advice talks. (The prior three were “How to Give a Bad Talk,” “How to Have a Bad Research Career,” and “How to Build a Bad Research Center.”) The first part of the talk will be a tongue-in-cheek advice at how to be awful at all the responsibilities of professorship: research, classroom teaching, graduate student advising, service to the field, and service to the campus and community. Guidelines include: (Research) Papers are the Coin of the Academic Realm (Classroom) PowerPoint Replaces Preparation (Grad Students) It’s Quantity, Not Quality (Service to the Field) Serve only if a big Fame Ratio: Name Recognition Increase / Hours Invested (Service to the Campus and Community) Don’t Do It! The second part of the talk will offer advice on alternatives to being a terrible professor. As I’ve got nothing left to hide, I’ll use tell-all examples from my four decades at Berkeley. After a question and answer session, I’ll tell my story of how I accidentally became a CS grad student and a Berkeley professor, and life lessons that I wish someone had told me 40 years ago that I’ll pass along now.