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What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing my genuine interest in their "story". What drew you to get into computer science

What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing my genuine interest in their "story". What drew you to get into computer science? How did you end up enjoying accounting? Why did you choose NYC over Tokyo? When someone asks me what degree I took, the answer is two words: Computer Science. If they ask me why - now there's a real conversation. Often, also, it may help to tug even further at that story thread - what background brought it around? What did the parents do? What was the formative experience that created the story?

ant6n 11y ago
'Why' seems a to be a more useful question than 'what'. I'll try to keep that in mind.
josephjrobison 11y ago
These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of. My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you. You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had. This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you might connect. I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally going to do it every time now.
- cableshaft 11y ago
  Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good advice, though.
bdamm 11y ago
It is easy for this to become an "interview" and it can make people uncomfortable. I've never found the best balance between exploring their story and sharing relevant parts of my own.
- ptrincr 11y ago
  This is very true. How much do you share before boring people?
  - turaw 11y ago
    Easiest way to do this is to roughly time how long they spoke for and contribute back the same amount. If you do it right, you'll wind up spending 50% of the conversation talking and 50% listening, which is a reasonable split :)
    - toxik 11y ago
      I find that this is just naive. A lot of people aren't very comfortable sharing things. I'm relatively open, and don't mind telling people about how some dumbass swung open his car door into the bike lane when I was riding into work this morning. My less open coworkers like the idle conversation, they smile and follow the story -- they just don't have much to add, or any desire to share their own stories. So what can you do? Force a conversation? Every once in a while, sure, but it seems to me it's better to let them speak when they're ready.
      - turaw 11y ago
        You don't have to talk about yourself in a conversation :P this probably feeds back into the 'don't interview someone' mentality, but just talk about something in the news or other recent developments. Have they watched Daredevil (s1 or s2)? Which Zelda game was their favourite? Even though politics have been ruled out as a generally safe conversation topic, it's still fun to ask someone their opinion of Trump (wall/no wall/half-height but with barbed wire). So I propose the following. Instead of using the simple heuristic of talking half the time which will work with nearly everyone practically always (modulo some edge cases when people have literally no strong opinions about anything), use the wealth of your experience as a human being to establish when and when not to promote complex human social interaction, additionally taking into account contextual and mitigating factors, while simultaneously ensuring that all parties are satisfied with the level and intensity of discourse instead of taking some random Internet person's sound bite advice.
johnchristopher 11y ago
Be mindful that those questions could be very offensive for some people (or some culture) though. Where I live it'd be better to smalltalk about what is going on around you at the moment. Then the more personal tidbits could fuel the conversation if needed.
- stfu 11y ago
  Just curious: Can you clarify which culture/region you are talking about?
  - kelvin0 11y ago
    My guess is Vulcan?
  - johnchristopher 11y ago
    I remember it has been discussed on HN before. The submission was an article about a faux-pas the wife made when she asked her step-father what he was doing. I seem to remember he was afro-american but don't quote me on that. Might as well have been Kenyan. I can't find the article so I googled and found those pieces: https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/cultural-conversation-clashes-between-americans-british-and-europeans/ https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/cu... Good example: I remember getting in trouble when I met a woman from Holland and asked, “What do you do for a living?” It’s a common question Americans ask. Her response: “Why do you care? Would you speak to me differently if I were a janitor than if I were a corporate president?” My reply: “Perhaps we have the same job. Or have friends or family in the same profession. When you meet new people, it’s typical (at least for Americans) to try to find what you have in common.” When I shared this story at a family get together, a cousin mentioned that she had exactly the same experience. It, too, involved someone from Holland. Neither of us intended to offend or be nosy. It was ordinary conversation. But obviously, not ordinary conversation in some places.

ant6n 11y ago

'Why' seems a to be a more useful question than 'what'. I'll try to keep that in mind.

josephjrobison 11y ago

These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of. My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you. You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had. This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you might connect. I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally going to do it every time now.

cableshaft 11y ago
Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good advice, though.

bdamm 11y ago

It is easy for this to become an "interview" and it can make people uncomfortable. I've never found the best balance between exploring their story and sharing relevant parts of my own.

ptrincr 11y ago
This is very true. How much do you share before boring people?
- turaw 11y ago
  Easiest way to do this is to roughly time how long they spoke for and contribute back the same amount. If you do it right, you'll wind up spending 50% of the conversation talking and 50% listening, which is a reasonable split :)
  - toxik 11y ago
    I find that this is just naive. A lot of people aren't very comfortable sharing things. I'm relatively open, and don't mind telling people about how some dumbass swung open his car door into the bike lane when I was riding into work this morning. My less open coworkers like the idle conversation, they smile and follow the story -- they just don't have much to add, or any desire to share their own stories. So what can you do? Force a conversation? Every once in a while, sure, but it seems to me it's better to let them speak when they're ready.
    - turaw 11y ago
      You don't have to talk about yourself in a conversation :P this probably feeds back into the 'don't interview someone' mentality, but just talk about something in the news or other recent developments. Have they watched Daredevil (s1 or s2)? Which Zelda game was their favourite? Even though politics have been ruled out as a generally safe conversation topic, it's still fun to ask someone their opinion of Trump (wall/no wall/half-height but with barbed wire). So I propose the following. Instead of using the simple heuristic of talking half the time which will work with nearly everyone practically always (modulo some edge cases when people have literally no strong opinions about anything), use the wealth of your experience as a human being to establish when and when not to promote complex human social interaction, additionally taking into account contextual and mitigating factors, while simultaneously ensuring that all parties are satisfied with the level and intensity of discourse instead of taking some random Internet person's sound bite advice.

johnchristopher 11y ago

Be mindful that those questions could be very offensive for some people (or some culture) though. Where I live it'd be better to smalltalk about what is going on around you at the moment. Then the more personal tidbits could fuel the conversation if needed.

stfu 11y ago
Just curious: Can you clarify which culture/region you are talking about?
- kelvin0 11y ago
  My guess is Vulcan?
- johnchristopher 11y ago
  I remember it has been discussed on HN before. The submission was an article about a faux-pas the wife made when she asked her step-father what he was doing. I seem to remember he was afro-american but don't quote me on that. Might as well have been Kenyan. I can't find the article so I googled and found those pieces: https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/cultural-conversation-clashes-between-americans-british-and-europeans/ https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/cu... Good example: I remember getting in trouble when I met a woman from Holland and asked, “What do you do for a living?” It’s a common question Americans ask. Her response: “Why do you care? Would you speak to me differently if I were a janitor than if I were a corporate president?” My reply: “Perhaps we have the same job. Or have friends or family in the same profession. When you meet new people, it’s typical (at least for Americans) to try to find what you have in common.” When I shared this story at a family get together, a cousin mentioned that she had exactly the same experience. It, too, involved someone from Holland. Neither of us intended to offend or be nosy. It was ordinary conversation. But obviously, not ordinary conversation in some places.