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I once received advice on smalltalk that's been interestingly useful. The advice was to ask questions could be answered with a number. Like "How long have you

I once received advice on smalltalk that's been interestingly useful. The advice was to ask questions could be answered with a number. Like "How long have you lived in New York?" or "How many siblings do you have?" On the surface those don't seem great at stimulating conversation, but people seem to automatically expand on the number they give since they feel it deserves explanation. I've used it several times when I've been set adrift at a cocktail party without a conversational thread to pull on.

EC1 11y ago
I like to go with Larry David's advice with skipping the small talk and going straight to medium or large talk. I like to open with "so how's your marriage?" Just get right into it.
- dsjoerg 11y ago
  How does that work for you? I figure it's a good filter - 80% of people think you're a whackball and run away, 20% stay and have interesting conversations.
  - EC1 11y ago
    The ones that appreciate and understand the underlying banter are the ones I like to filter for using this tactic.
- fapjacks 11y ago
  So, I've had people lay these kinds of questions on me. Or even during a job interview (!). And normally, I'm down for the deep shit at the drop of a hat. But the problem is when complete strangers ask me these questions. It's hard to gauge when a conversation about the last time I did MDMA (and why) is appropriate. Do I really want to talk about the nasty shit I did in Iraq with complete strangers, even though that's the most honest and direct answer to their hail mary of a question? Even something like "So how are you really doing?" can be challenging to answer to a stranger. I guess really I question your desire (or ability) to handle the answers.
  - EC1 11y ago
    It hugely depends on how it's asked. If you ask it in a really awkward dead pan kind of way it's going to fall flat. If you do it in an almost "indulge me" kind of banterish irony, most people get that and will string along for a bit. The funny ones will go along and end it with something like "wow, really took me for a ride there" and switch it back on you.
- aninhumer 11y ago
  Do you really have to go for such a personal and emotionally charged topic to start "big talk"? Obviously anything actually important is likely to be somewhat less comfortable, but there are still degrees. I think most people are going to be much more comfortable talking about art, philosophy or politics than about their personal life, particularly with a stranger.
  - EC1 11y ago
    It's from this bit [1]. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY And to answer your question, yes.
  - jsight 11y ago
    I'm pretty sure that was a joke. :)
wott 11y ago
I took me a while to figure out that I would never find your interesting advice on 'smalltalk' in your last 3 sentences.
- rahoulb 11y ago
  My wife once flew off in a rage because I had "Smalltalk with Sam" written on my hand. She calmed down when I explained I was lending my colleague a book on OO programming.
mmatants 11y ago
What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing my genuine interest in their "story". What drew you to get into computer science? How did you end up enjoying accounting? Why did you choose NYC over Tokyo? When someone asks me what degree I took, the answer is two words: Computer Science. If they ask me why - now there's a real conversation. Often, also, it may help to tug even further at that story thread - what background brought it around? What did the parents do? What was the formative experience that created the story?
- ant6n 11y ago
  'Why' seems a to be a more useful question than 'what'. I'll try to keep that in mind.
- josephjrobison 11y ago
  These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of. My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you. You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had. This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you might connect. I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally going to do it every time now.
  - cableshaft 11y ago
    Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good advice, though.
mzitelli 11y ago
This is a good idea but is important to take care and show real interest in the answers. Maybe because I'm also a bit introverted it's hard for me to feel real interest during small talk.
wwwater 11y ago
"If I have told you these details about the asteroid, and made a note of its number for you, it is on account of the grown-ups and their ways. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." from The Little Prince Your mention about questions that could be answered with numbers just reminded me on this passage from the book. : ) Apparently Saint-Exupéry made the same observation, that people find it easier to answer to number questions.

EC1 11y ago

I like to go with Larry David's advice with skipping the small talk and going straight to medium or large talk. I like to open with "so how's your marriage?" Just get right into it.

dsjoerg 11y ago
How does that work for you? I figure it's a good filter - 80% of people think you're a whackball and run away, 20% stay and have interesting conversations.
- EC1 11y ago
  The ones that appreciate and understand the underlying banter are the ones I like to filter for using this tactic.
fapjacks 11y ago
So, I've had people lay these kinds of questions on me. Or even during a job interview (!). And normally, I'm down for the deep shit at the drop of a hat. But the problem is when complete strangers ask me these questions. It's hard to gauge when a conversation about the last time I did MDMA (and why) is appropriate. Do I really want to talk about the nasty shit I did in Iraq with complete strangers, even though that's the most honest and direct answer to their hail mary of a question? Even something like "So how are you really doing?" can be challenging to answer to a stranger. I guess really I question your desire (or ability) to handle the answers.
- EC1 11y ago
  It hugely depends on how it's asked. If you ask it in a really awkward dead pan kind of way it's going to fall flat. If you do it in an almost "indulge me" kind of banterish irony, most people get that and will string along for a bit. The funny ones will go along and end it with something like "wow, really took me for a ride there" and switch it back on you.
aninhumer 11y ago
Do you really have to go for such a personal and emotionally charged topic to start "big talk"? Obviously anything actually important is likely to be somewhat less comfortable, but there are still degrees. I think most people are going to be much more comfortable talking about art, philosophy or politics than about their personal life, particularly with a stranger.
- EC1 11y ago
  It's from this bit [1]. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY And to answer your question, yes.
- jsight 11y ago
  I'm pretty sure that was a joke. :)

wott 11y ago

I took me a while to figure out that I would never find your interesting advice on 'smalltalk' in your last 3 sentences.

rahoulb 11y ago
My wife once flew off in a rage because I had "Smalltalk with Sam" written on my hand. She calmed down when I explained I was lending my colleague a book on OO programming.

mmatants 11y ago

What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing my genuine interest in their "story". What drew you to get into computer science? How did you end up enjoying accounting? Why did you choose NYC over Tokyo? When someone asks me what degree I took, the answer is two words: Computer Science. If they ask me why - now there's a real conversation. Often, also, it may help to tug even further at that story thread - what background brought it around? What did the parents do? What was the formative experience that created the story?

ant6n 11y ago
'Why' seems a to be a more useful question than 'what'. I'll try to keep that in mind.
josephjrobison 11y ago
These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of. My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you. You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had. This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you might connect. I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally going to do it every time now.
- cableshaft 11y ago
  Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good advice, though.

mzitelli 11y ago

This is a good idea but is important to take care and show real interest in the answers. Maybe because I'm also a bit introverted it's hard for me to feel real interest during small talk.

wwwater 11y ago

"If I have told you these details about the asteroid, and made a note of its number for you, it is on account of the grown-ups and their ways. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." from The Little Prince Your mention about questions that could be answered with numbers just reminded me on this passage from the book. : ) Apparently Saint-Exupéry made the same observation, that people find it easier to answer to number questions.