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The majority of people can ultimately attribute meeting nearly all of their friends to either work or school. Having friends also makes meeting new friends both

by rl3 11y ago

The majority of people can ultimately attribute meeting nearly all of their friends to either work or school. Having friends also makes meeting new friends both easier and far more likely. People who move around often are hit pretty hard by that dynamic. I'd say people with little to no educational background who then work remote or otherwise solitary jobs also have it rough in that regard.

madaxe_again 11y ago
Yeah... it also has a profound effect on children. I grew up around the world backwards - my dad was a futures trader, and would end up working on a different exchange in a different corner of the planet every 18-24 months. He was also a serial philanderer, which it turns out was the actual reason for the frequent employment changes, but hey. Between being born and leaving school at 18, I lived in four continents, a dozen countries, twenty houses/homes, and had attended nine schools - only in my last five years of education did I stay put - up until that point I'd not spent more than two years at any school. So what effect does this have? I have a weird approach to relationships with other humans. Being dislocated frequently has lead to a low investment high yield model of human interaction - that is to say, I spend as little time and effort as possible on relationships with others, and have an understanding of which levers can be pulled for maximal attachment (on their behalf, not mine - I stay unattached as losing people over and over and over gets a bit painful) with minimal effort. This mostly comprises moulding my external interactions with others according to the expectations that I perceive from them, and thus aiming for the "I met the most amazing X" the other night zone. This isn't because I want people to think highly of me or because I want to take advantage of people - rather because I want friendship in a lonely world but don't want to invest time and emotion into a relationship that may just be whipped away from me. Selfish, I know, but I have to survive somehow. I don't stay in touch with people I don't see frequently, to the extent that people who were my best friends 10, 15, 20 years ago (all different people of course) I haven't spoken to in 10, 15 or 20 years. They may as well have never existed. In short, it's turned me borderline psychopathic in terms of how I interact with others, I've learned to be a loner, I can get on with anyone, I can reduce anyone to quivering rage. I don't think humans were really built to lose their entire social group every eighteen months - it's not aligned with the whole primate hierarchy thing. I recognise the same thing in others who have had similar backgrounds, and almost as oddly they notice the same in me. It usually leads to us simply ignoring each other on mutual understanding of the pointlessness of getting to know one another.
- thrownaway2424 11y ago
  Your experience will not be unfamiliar to millions of kids who grew up in the military, at least the American one with bases all over the world. I don't think it makes people weird or unable to form friendships. The reason you're not talking to your friend from 20 years ago is you don't have anything in common any more. That's normal.
  - GFischer 11y ago
    There's a lot of research and literature on the subject, and even a term "Third Culture Kid", for those that bounce between countries: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid
- mratzloff 11y ago
  Are you still moving around? If not, why do you feel like it's such a big investment to actually invest in another person?
  - Grishnakh 11y ago
    It's really, really hard to change the mental patterns that are formed during your formative years.
  - AnimalMuppet 11y ago
    I would guess training/habit. But I think it's leaving him/her with a void for real human connection, rather than the fake that he/she has had for so many years. He/she needs to get over the fear of pain of loss and start actually connecting with people anyway.
- clock_tower 11y ago
  I'm much the same, and came from a similar background; I didn't move nearly as widely as you did, but certainly did have frequent moves. Seeing this described is inspiring me to try to develop normal social interactions -- or perhaps it isn't. Having actual friends, who agree with your goals and will support you in pursuing them, who you don't have to put on a false face before, is one thing; having long-term acquaintances who disagree with you and hold you back is something else. If you're comfortable alone, you won't tolerate unhealthy interactions as being better than none at all...
jheriko 11y ago
i'm not sure if its the majority... i used to be this way, but as i got older i ended up making friends in more 'traditional' social settings too (i.e. down the pub) and these friends greatly outnumber the "met them at work or school" ones now. given that i didn't work with the vast majority of those people i would /guess/ that they are in a similar position.
- mercer 11y ago
  > The majority of people can ultimately attribute meeting nearly all of their friends to either work or school. Having friends also makes meeting new friends both easier and far more likely. and > i'm not sure if its the majority... i used to be this way, but as i got older i ended up making friends in more 'traditional' social settings too (i.e. down the pub) and these friends greatly outnumber the "met them at work or school" ones now. are the reason why I believe that it's not moving that is the primary issue, but rather that most of us only know limited ways of making, maintaining and having friends. And for many of us, that's okay. But if we move, or if we for some other reason need to make new friends, well, then we probably need to apply new methods. My experience is that's is surprisingly easy to make new acquaintances and pretty doable to turn these into friendships. While personally I struggle with maintaining them, that problem has always existed. But making friends has never been a problem, despite the fact that I'm pretty introverted and not naturally gifted in the art of socializing.
personlurking 11y ago
Ouch. I've worked remotely for years, have a history of moving, and haven't been in school for over a decade. I can easily vouch for your statements, not to mention two other factors - being in a Southern European country where "there's no future" (and thus it's the locals that move) and being in my 30s when most social circles are already established. It gets more complicated depending on the type of country one lives in. It's been said that Portugal, where I'm living, doesn't have so much of a social culture while Spain very much does. This weekend I went to a Spanish border town and saw infinitely more people, of all ages, out and about. Crossing an artibrary EU border (just a sign) and suddenly everything changes. The problem lies in what this means for the individual. As it has been explained to me, social cultures are like peaches - easy to breach, hard to truly enter - while less-social cultures are like coconuts - hard to breach, but easier to truly enter.
- rl3 11y ago
  >... when most social circles are already established. That's a good point. It's harder to befriend people in any meaningful way when they already have an ample or established group of friends.
- eric-hu 11y ago
  I'm in my thirties and felt as you did until I found the right social hobby (swing dancing). Now, my biggest social concern is balancing: 1. Being kind and open to new people I meet. 2. Dedicating enough time to the people I know. 3. Dedicating enough time to myself. I write this as an American living in Thailand for the last five months. I'm unfamiliar with Thai and many other Asian languages, yet in those months I've made friends with people from a half dozen countries in Asia and a couple in Europe. I would happily meet up with many for a meal. For some, I would even consider hosting them or asking to crash on their couches. This is less of an advertisement for swing dancing or dancing in general, and more an advertisement for exploring different subcultures. I explored many before finding this particular one.
  - cableshaft 11y ago
    Yep, I'm in the same situation as you. Had almost no social circle in my early thirties, but then I started attending meetups as well as getting into the hobbyist board game subculture. Now it's a real challenge to spend time with everyone and yet save some time for myself and my creative hobbies.

by rl3 11y ago

madaxe_again 11y ago

Yeah... it also has a profound effect on children. I grew up around the world backwards - my dad was a futures trader, and would end up working on a different exchange in a different corner of the planet every 18-24 months. He was also a serial philanderer, which it turns out was the actual reason for the frequent employment changes, but hey. Between being born and leaving school at 18, I lived in four continents, a dozen countries, twenty houses/homes, and had attended nine schools - only in my last five years of education did I stay put - up until that point I'd not spent more than two years at any school. So what effect does this have? I have a weird approach to relationships with other humans. Being dislocated frequently has lead to a low investment high yield model of human interaction - that is to say, I spend as little time and effort as possible on relationships with others, and have an understanding of which levers can be pulled for maximal attachment (on their behalf, not mine - I stay unattached as losing people over and over and over gets a bit painful) with minimal effort. This mostly comprises moulding my external interactions with others according to the expectations that I perceive from them, and thus aiming for the "I met the most amazing X" the other night zone. This isn't because I want people to think highly of me or because I want to take advantage of people - rather because I want friendship in a lonely world but don't want to invest time and emotion into a relationship that may just be whipped away from me. Selfish, I know, but I have to survive somehow. I don't stay in touch with people I don't see frequently, to the extent that people who were my best friends 10, 15, 20 years ago (all different people of course) I haven't spoken to in 10, 15 or 20 years. They may as well have never existed. In short, it's turned me borderline psychopathic in terms of how I interact with others, I've learned to be a loner, I can get on with anyone, I can reduce anyone to quivering rage. I don't think humans were really built to lose their entire social group every eighteen months - it's not aligned with the whole primate hierarchy thing. I recognise the same thing in others who have had similar backgrounds, and almost as oddly they notice the same in me. It usually leads to us simply ignoring each other on mutual understanding of the pointlessness of getting to know one another.

thrownaway2424 11y ago
Your experience will not be unfamiliar to millions of kids who grew up in the military, at least the American one with bases all over the world. I don't think it makes people weird or unable to form friendships. The reason you're not talking to your friend from 20 years ago is you don't have anything in common any more. That's normal.
- GFischer 11y ago
  There's a lot of research and literature on the subject, and even a term "Third Culture Kid", for those that bounce between countries: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid
mratzloff 11y ago
Are you still moving around? If not, why do you feel like it's such a big investment to actually invest in another person?
- Grishnakh 11y ago
  It's really, really hard to change the mental patterns that are formed during your formative years.
- AnimalMuppet 11y ago
  I would guess training/habit. But I think it's leaving him/her with a void for real human connection, rather than the fake that he/she has had for so many years. He/she needs to get over the fear of pain of loss and start actually connecting with people anyway.
clock_tower 11y ago
I'm much the same, and came from a similar background; I didn't move nearly as widely as you did, but certainly did have frequent moves. Seeing this described is inspiring me to try to develop normal social interactions -- or perhaps it isn't. Having actual friends, who agree with your goals and will support you in pursuing them, who you don't have to put on a false face before, is one thing; having long-term acquaintances who disagree with you and hold you back is something else. If you're comfortable alone, you won't tolerate unhealthy interactions as being better than none at all...

jheriko 11y ago

i'm not sure if its the majority... i used to be this way, but as i got older i ended up making friends in more 'traditional' social settings too (i.e. down the pub) and these friends greatly outnumber the "met them at work or school" ones now. given that i didn't work with the vast majority of those people i would /guess/ that they are in a similar position.

mercer 11y ago
> The majority of people can ultimately attribute meeting nearly all of their friends to either work or school. Having friends also makes meeting new friends both easier and far more likely. and > i'm not sure if its the majority... i used to be this way, but as i got older i ended up making friends in more 'traditional' social settings too (i.e. down the pub) and these friends greatly outnumber the "met them at work or school" ones now. are the reason why I believe that it's not moving that is the primary issue, but rather that most of us only know limited ways of making, maintaining and having friends. And for many of us, that's okay. But if we move, or if we for some other reason need to make new friends, well, then we probably need to apply new methods. My experience is that's is surprisingly easy to make new acquaintances and pretty doable to turn these into friendships. While personally I struggle with maintaining them, that problem has always existed. But making friends has never been a problem, despite the fact that I'm pretty introverted and not naturally gifted in the art of socializing.

personlurking 11y ago

Ouch. I've worked remotely for years, have a history of moving, and haven't been in school for over a decade. I can easily vouch for your statements, not to mention two other factors - being in a Southern European country where "there's no future" (and thus it's the locals that move) and being in my 30s when most social circles are already established. It gets more complicated depending on the type of country one lives in. It's been said that Portugal, where I'm living, doesn't have so much of a social culture while Spain very much does. This weekend I went to a Spanish border town and saw infinitely more people, of all ages, out and about. Crossing an artibrary EU border (just a sign) and suddenly everything changes. The problem lies in what this means for the individual. As it has been explained to me, social cultures are like peaches - easy to breach, hard to truly enter - while less-social cultures are like coconuts - hard to breach, but easier to truly enter.

rl3 11y ago
>... when most social circles are already established. That's a good point. It's harder to befriend people in any meaningful way when they already have an ample or established group of friends.
eric-hu 11y ago
I'm in my thirties and felt as you did until I found the right social hobby (swing dancing). Now, my biggest social concern is balancing: 1. Being kind and open to new people I meet. 2. Dedicating enough time to the people I know. 3. Dedicating enough time to myself. I write this as an American living in Thailand for the last five months. I'm unfamiliar with Thai and many other Asian languages, yet in those months I've made friends with people from a half dozen countries in Asia and a couple in Europe. I would happily meet up with many for a meal. For some, I would even consider hosting them or asking to crash on their couches. This is less of an advertisement for swing dancing or dancing in general, and more an advertisement for exploring different subcultures. I explored many before finding this particular one.
- cableshaft 11y ago
  Yep, I'm in the same situation as you. Had almost no social circle in my early thirties, but then I started attending meetups as well as getting into the hobbyist board game subculture. Now it's a real challenge to spend time with everyone and yet save some time for myself and my creative hobbies.