5 ms·

What sort of structure does dating have in the US? (Genuinely curious, I've never thought about this before)

by spinningarrow 11y ago

tomp 11y ago
I'm curious about this as well, I don't understand the "dating isn't that structured" part of his/her post at all.
- chrisseaton 11y ago
  I think in the UK a lot of relationships have no 'dating' phase at all, people just start spending more time with each other and then one day they're implicitly boyfriend-girlfriend with nothing actually said. The idea of asking someone to go on something that was expressly a date or to be exclusive would have seemed very stilted and formal to me when I was single. I'm married and I think I only ever went on two 'dates' with my wife when we started seeing each other. Everything else was far less formal.
  - SalimoS 11y ago
    it's the same in Tunisia, there is no "let's go in a date" until they become couple :D
  - ck425 11y ago
    This. I went to Uni with a lot of Americans and grew to quite like the whole 'date' idea, it's a lot more common now to ask people out on dates than it used to be.
    - chrisseaton 11y ago
      To me a date seems like a formal interview for the position of romantic partner. Which isn't very sexy or natural. If two people like each other why do you need to set up a formal thing to check that? Just start spending time together like friends.
      - hodwik 11y ago
        Dates are a way to spend time with someone that you otherwise wouldn't have the opportunity -- because you don't know each-other, have no friends in common, just met, etc. People are much more spread out in the US than in Europe, so if you don't intentionally make time to spend with someone you will never see them. (This doesn't really apply to the cities, but people don't really go on dates in the cities in the US.)
        guidolabense 11y ago
        > you don't know each-other, have no friends in common, just met Why on earth would you be considering a relationship with someone you don't know, have no friends in common, or just met?
        hodwik 11y ago
        You're confusing Dating with Dates (at least in US terminology). Dating is once someone has become a romantic partner, passing the phase of going on Dates. If you're going on Dates with someone, you're not Dating. If you're Dating someone, you're not going on Dates. They're mutually exclusive.
        guidolabense 11y ago
        Nah I think that's the crux of the issue. You're saying you go on dates, like taking someone out for dinner, in order to work out if you want a relationship with them I'm saying in the EU that it seems weird to us and overly personal to be going out for dinner alone with someone, when you don't have an existing romantic relationship with them. You'd normally get to that stage first, and then start going on dates. So you can see how multiple dating (if that's a real thing in the US or just telly), seems fucked up.
        awareBrah 11y ago
        How do I get to that stage if I don't know them yet? And if my existing pool of contacts from the opposite sex is lacking, where do I source these people from? I've been using Tinder for a few years now and for the most part have had great experiences. My first date is always dinner and drinks, and this is the norm amongst my friends as well (American here) What would you do in my case?
    - deleted 11y ago
      [deleted]
bertil 11y ago
The idea that a meeting is a date or not has to be clarified. You can’t just have a drink with a colleague, and let the romantic interest to-be-determined. Americans, as I understand it, tend to have “the talk” which is a clear idiom for an actual conversation where they mutually decide to “be exclusive”, i.e. not take dates with other people. Timing, number of dates and all that are also fairly established. I have regularly seen in several countries in Europe a relationship going from inexistent to committed, public and exclusive in a matter of hours. “Having the talk” is often understood as an intent to break-up (because it sounds like “We need to talk”). Whether a meeting has a romantic interest is never really expressed: it’s generally either obvious or purposely vague than anything. That has lead many American friends in Europe very frustrated with the dating scene, because it comes off as unreadable. Europeans in the US can find the formalism icky, but they generally adapt more easily. There are also far more differences between European countries (wolf-calls are apparently common in Italy; Scandinavia can come of as the opposite) than with the US — but formalism is certainly the big one.
- morgante 11y ago
  I'm curious how much of this view comes from watching American movies. At least amongst young Americans, it seems that dating formalities are almost completely non-existent. People are entirely ambiguous and frequently hooking up with multiple people simultaneously.
  - bertil 11y ago
    That was implicit when I described “becoming exclusive”; outside of some universities or a confessed “player” personality, that would not be common in Europe.
    - morgante 11y ago
      I guess I have a different idea of formalism, because American hookup culture seems to be the opposite of formal to me.
      - 11y ago
robk 11y ago
In the US it's not unusual to be "dating" multiple people at the same time. This is quite unusual in Britain where dating is much more serial than parallel.
- Chris2048 11y ago
  Yeah, why would you do that? What if 2 turn out well!?!
  - awjr 11y ago
    Well if 2 turn out really well, then they'll be cool with sharing :P
- hodwik 11y ago
  I disagree. In the US you may go on dates with multiple people at the same time, but it is very frowned upon to be dating multiple people at the same time. By the time you are dating, you are no longer going on dates. I think this is part of the confusion.
captainmuon 11y ago
I'm not sure how much of it is just terminology and how much is an actual difference, but I've found that many (unmarried) couples are still considered "dating" after a few years, whereas here in Europe (e.g. Germany) you would just be considered "a couple" or "together". In my relationship, I only went on a couple of "date" dates in the very beginning. I wouldn't say I'm "dating" my girlfriend although we do occasionally do classical couple activities like going for a nice dinner etc..

What sort of structure does dating have in the US? (Genuinely curious, I've never thought about this before)

tomp 11y ago

I'm curious about this as well, I don't understand the "dating isn't that structured" part of his/her post at all.

chrisseaton 11y ago
I think in the UK a lot of relationships have no 'dating' phase at all, people just start spending more time with each other and then one day they're implicitly boyfriend-girlfriend with nothing actually said. The idea of asking someone to go on something that was expressly a date or to be exclusive would have seemed very stilted and formal to me when I was single. I'm married and I think I only ever went on two 'dates' with my wife when we started seeing each other. Everything else was far less formal.
- SalimoS 11y ago
  it's the same in Tunisia, there is no "let's go in a date" until they become couple :D
- ck425 11y ago
  This. I went to Uni with a lot of Americans and grew to quite like the whole 'date' idea, it's a lot more common now to ask people out on dates than it used to be.
  - chrisseaton 11y ago
    To me a date seems like a formal interview for the position of romantic partner. Which isn't very sexy or natural. If two people like each other why do you need to set up a formal thing to check that? Just start spending time together like friends.
    - hodwik 11y ago
      Dates are a way to spend time with someone that you otherwise wouldn't have the opportunity -- because you don't know each-other, have no friends in common, just met, etc. People are much more spread out in the US than in Europe, so if you don't intentionally make time to spend with someone you will never see them. (This doesn't really apply to the cities, but people don't really go on dates in the cities in the US.)
      - guidolabense 11y ago
        > you don't know each-other, have no friends in common, just met Why on earth would you be considering a relationship with someone you don't know, have no friends in common, or just met?
        hodwik 11y ago
        You're confusing Dating with Dates (at least in US terminology). Dating is once someone has become a romantic partner, passing the phase of going on Dates. If you're going on Dates with someone, you're not Dating. If you're Dating someone, you're not going on Dates. They're mutually exclusive.
        guidolabense 11y ago
        Nah I think that's the crux of the issue. You're saying you go on dates, like taking someone out for dinner, in order to work out if you want a relationship with them I'm saying in the EU that it seems weird to us and overly personal to be going out for dinner alone with someone, when you don't have an existing romantic relationship with them. You'd normally get to that stage first, and then start going on dates. So you can see how multiple dating (if that's a real thing in the US or just telly), seems fucked up.
        awareBrah 11y ago
        How do I get to that stage if I don't know them yet? And if my existing pool of contacts from the opposite sex is lacking, where do I source these people from? I've been using Tinder for a few years now and for the most part have had great experiences. My first date is always dinner and drinks, and this is the norm amongst my friends as well (American here) What would you do in my case?
  - deleted 11y ago
    [deleted]

bertil 11y ago

The idea that a meeting is a date or not has to be clarified. You can’t just have a drink with a colleague, and let the romantic interest to-be-determined. Americans, as I understand it, tend to have “the talk” which is a clear idiom for an actual conversation where they mutually decide to “be exclusive”, i.e. not take dates with other people. Timing, number of dates and all that are also fairly established. I have regularly seen in several countries in Europe a relationship going from inexistent to committed, public and exclusive in a matter of hours. “Having the talk” is often understood as an intent to break-up (because it sounds like “We need to talk”). Whether a meeting has a romantic interest is never really expressed: it’s generally either obvious or purposely vague than anything. That has lead many American friends in Europe very frustrated with the dating scene, because it comes off as unreadable. Europeans in the US can find the formalism icky, but they generally adapt more easily. There are also far more differences between European countries (wolf-calls are apparently common in Italy; Scandinavia can come of as the opposite) than with the US — but formalism is certainly the big one.

morgante 11y ago
I'm curious how much of this view comes from watching American movies. At least amongst young Americans, it seems that dating formalities are almost completely non-existent. People are entirely ambiguous and frequently hooking up with multiple people simultaneously.
- bertil 11y ago
  That was implicit when I described “becoming exclusive”; outside of some universities or a confessed “player” personality, that would not be common in Europe.
  - morgante 11y ago
    I guess I have a different idea of formalism, because American hookup culture seems to be the opposite of formal to me.
    - 11y ago

robk 11y ago

In the US it's not unusual to be "dating" multiple people at the same time. This is quite unusual in Britain where dating is much more serial than parallel.

Chris2048 11y ago
Yeah, why would you do that? What if 2 turn out well!?!
- awjr 11y ago
  Well if 2 turn out really well, then they'll be cool with sharing :P
hodwik 11y ago
I disagree. In the US you may go on dates with multiple people at the same time, but it is very frowned upon to be dating multiple people at the same time. By the time you are dating, you are no longer going on dates. I think this is part of the confusion.

captainmuon 11y ago

I'm not sure how much of it is just terminology and how much is an actual difference, but I've found that many (unmarried) couples are still considered "dating" after a few years, whereas here in Europe (e.g. Germany) you would just be considered "a couple" or "together". In my relationship, I only went on a couple of "date" dates in the very beginning. I wouldn't say I'm "dating" my girlfriend although we do occasionally do classical couple activities like going for a nice dinner etc..