4 ms·
I work with some colleagues who use this kind of conversation. Full disclosure: I am a female, they are also female. They wouldn't talk to you like that -- it's
by kaitai 11y ago
I work with some colleagues who use this kind of conversation. Full disclosure: I am a female, they are also female. They wouldn't talk to you like that -- it's a female-female communication style with a lot of subtext, common in parts of corporate America as well.
The majority (by far!) of my colleagues are male, and part of the subtext and context of this type of conversation is (1) to comment on things guys "can't" comment on, like "did I wear the appropriate jewelry or footwear for this event to project the social and intellectual persona that I'm trying to project", and (2) to combat the everyday little degradations you encounter, like someone at the registration table not registering you because they figured you're a girlfriend not a real participant. Women who are trying to maintain and accumulate power know that they can support each other in maintaining a stance of confidence rather than acceptance. Being primarily socialized into a stance of acceptance due to my historically all-male and socially inept professional circles, I was way confused when I got a female boss who started saying nice things about/to me. It is true that I do good things at work, although I don't manage to find the right shoes to project being corporate -- but I've never had anyone say anything about either of those things! Ever!
It's a reasonable management tool in some ways. My male bosses asked me (forced me?) to do my job and also take care of "women things" (recruitment and retention of women and minorities) without ever saying anything nice or giving me any credit, so I quit doing most of that. Altruism has limits that are often reached at the bank account. But now I have a boss who views outreach as a positive and actually says nice things ("you're incredible! I'm amazed at how much you do!" etc) so yep, I'm more likely to do it. And it is good for my organization.
- douche 11y agoInteresting perspective. Personally, I would find effusive praise of that kind profoundly weird, and uncomfortable, because it doesn't fit into the framework of mostly male-male communication I'm used to(relatively traditional, tinged with some ex-military vibes). In large part, the sign of doing a good job is the absence of criticism. Since you could almost always improve on your performance, there tends to always be some level of criticism. Maybe I'm weird, but external validation doesn't really push any of my buttons. If you think I really did a great job, give me a bonus, or an extra day or two of vacation. Otherwise, I've got work to do.
- grahamburger 11y agoI would have said the same until I had a boss who was very openly and naturally complimentary. It does wonders for impostor syndrome and definitely kept me motivated through the hard times. It only worked because it came off as very natural and sincere, though. Edit: I guess for context I should add we're both male.
- SixSigma 11y agoFinding what people think is a suitable reward is really difficult. Doing a good job != standing out "Recognise and reward" should be a tenet of good management, and you don't reward people for doing what they should be doing anyway. One good reward is seeing if there are any conferences in the person's specialist field. But so they know it's not a holiday, have them to a brief presentation about what they learned upon their return.
- kaitai 11y agoI got somewhat comfortable with that (mostly) male-male framework through engineering college and math school. My experience was exactly yours: the sign of a good job is the absence of criticism, and you could always do better. I'm overall fine with that when I know that's the context, but your 2nd-to-last line is the kicker: give me the bonus or vacation if I did something! Now I'm working with some folks from a more corporate background, and it is a different culture. Very different. I'm still getting used to it myself.