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Work. My relationship with my wife is the most important project in my life, period. I work hard on important projects. So does my wife. We sit down and com

Work. My relationship with my wife is the most important project in my life, period. I work hard on important projects. So does my wife. We sit down and communicate about an hour, most every day. For years, we asked each other these six questions, and listened to the response: 1. What's the worst thing that happened to you today? 2. What's the best thing that happened to you today? 3. What's the most surprising thing that happened to you today? 4. What's the most interesting thing that happened to you today? 5. What's the worst thing you did today? 6. What's the best thing you did today?

Someone1234 11y ago
How uhh structured. I'm all about good communication but asking those exact six questions every evening would get old fast. Do the two of you have so little in common that all you have to talk about is your monotonous work day? There is something to be said for having shared hobbies in a relationship (yes, also individual hobbies) if only to give you something to talk about. We talk politics extensively for one example.
- deleted 11y ago
  [deleted]
- JoeAltmaier 11y ago
  Or, just understand that those are the standard topics and begin conversing. Nobody needs to tick boxes on a form.
  - Diederich 11y ago
    Right. In the beginning, for the first few years, it did approach 'tick boxes on a form' from time to time. Note, though, that each partner is free to answer each question in any way they want to. Sometimes, it was "Uh, nothing surprising. What I really want to talk about is...." Some ceremony led to highly consistent, timely communication. The latter is the goal, the former is just a tool.
- jchendy 11y ago
  > Do the two of you have so little in common that all you have to talk about is your monotonous work day? Wow, so many assumptions there: 1) All they do in a given day is work 2) Their work is monotonous 3) These questions result in boring, factual answers (perhaps instead they lead to long, interesting conversations far away from the original topic) Etc, etc. IMO, it's much more productive to take the time to think about reasons why something would work for somebody else rather than immediately dismiss what they do.
  - Diederich 11y ago
    Right. The questions are (were) a gateway. What we talk about is certainly factual. And all too often our days have monotony in them. What's important is hearing how my wife feels about these things in her life, and she hears how I feel about those things in my life. I like to say that one of my biggest advantages at work is that I have an intelligent, invested and attentive counselor at home. My wife gives me tons of excellent work-related feedback, because she sees things differently than I do. And that's an incredibly valuable thing.
- Diederich 11y ago
  Many humans use mantras or ceremonies for their benefit in structure. My wife and I certainly do. These are key questions. What's interesting is not the questions, but the answers. And in listening. Listening is itself an investment. What's important to your partner? Find a way to make that important to you. I can speak those six questions in a few seconds. But I am listening to the answers, and to the associated streams of thought, attentively, for about 30 minutes. We used the six questions approach for our first seven or so years. In the last 10 years, we actually ask the questions less frequently. We are apart about 10 or 11 hours per day, 5 days a week. So we each have about 30 minutes to catch up on 10 hours. But I find the biggest value in the weekends, when we're together most of the day. In that case, I can usually predict will want to talk about. But that doesn't make it boring. That gives me an excellent chance to fine-tune my understanding of her mind and emotions. The gap between what I expect she has been thinking about and what she was actually thinking about is an excellent education. And she does the same with me. Recall the baseline assertion: my relationship with my wife is the most important thing in my life. I listen to people talk for hours at work, which is pretty important. Listening to my wife for 30 minutes is a no brainer for me.
Tenhundfeld 11y ago
Honest question: Do you have children? I'm asking, because my wife and I had a similar routine earlier in our marriage – though perhaps less structured than yours. After we had a child, it's been harder to make time for that. If anything, it's more important to have a routine like this after becoming parents – but takes even more commitment to the idea. A friend of mine proposed a tongue-in-cheek test for parents to assess the health of their relationship. Have you and your spouse had a conversation in the last week about something other than the family (kids, elderly parents, etc.) or work? He meant it mostly as a joke, but there are definitely weeks where I look back and struggle to remember a real adult conversation with my wife about anything non-family, non-work, and lately non-politics. Anyway, I completely agree with you. Relationships require work, deliberate reflection, etc. You and your spouse will be different people when you're 35 than you were when you met at 25 (or whatever ages apply to you). You will grow and change. You can either grow apart or grow together.
- Diederich 11y ago
  We have a 13 year old who is on the autistic spectrum. We were told early on that he would never speak. Now he's quoting Lord Of The Rings (from the books) What I am suggesting takes an iron will, but that falls out of a simple idea. The most important thing in my life in my relationship with my wife. I think about that every single day. The required willpower comes directly from that basic, foundational statement. And our son is better for it, even though we have taken time away from him, every day.

Someone1234 11y ago

How uhh structured. I'm all about good communication but asking those exact six questions every evening would get old fast. Do the two of you have so little in common that all you have to talk about is your monotonous work day? There is something to be said for having shared hobbies in a relationship (yes, also individual hobbies) if only to give you something to talk about. We talk politics extensively for one example.

deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
JoeAltmaier 11y ago
Or, just understand that those are the standard topics and begin conversing. Nobody needs to tick boxes on a form.
- Diederich 11y ago
  Right. In the beginning, for the first few years, it did approach 'tick boxes on a form' from time to time. Note, though, that each partner is free to answer each question in any way they want to. Sometimes, it was "Uh, nothing surprising. What I really want to talk about is...." Some ceremony led to highly consistent, timely communication. The latter is the goal, the former is just a tool.
jchendy 11y ago
> Do the two of you have so little in common that all you have to talk about is your monotonous work day? Wow, so many assumptions there: 1) All they do in a given day is work 2) Their work is monotonous 3) These questions result in boring, factual answers (perhaps instead they lead to long, interesting conversations far away from the original topic) Etc, etc. IMO, it's much more productive to take the time to think about reasons why something would work for somebody else rather than immediately dismiss what they do.
- Diederich 11y ago
  Right. The questions are (were) a gateway. What we talk about is certainly factual. And all too often our days have monotony in them. What's important is hearing how my wife feels about these things in her life, and she hears how I feel about those things in my life. I like to say that one of my biggest advantages at work is that I have an intelligent, invested and attentive counselor at home. My wife gives me tons of excellent work-related feedback, because she sees things differently than I do. And that's an incredibly valuable thing.
Diederich 11y ago
Many humans use mantras or ceremonies for their benefit in structure. My wife and I certainly do. These are key questions. What's interesting is not the questions, but the answers. And in listening. Listening is itself an investment. What's important to your partner? Find a way to make that important to you. I can speak those six questions in a few seconds. But I am listening to the answers, and to the associated streams of thought, attentively, for about 30 minutes. We used the six questions approach for our first seven or so years. In the last 10 years, we actually ask the questions less frequently. We are apart about 10 or 11 hours per day, 5 days a week. So we each have about 30 minutes to catch up on 10 hours. But I find the biggest value in the weekends, when we're together most of the day. In that case, I can usually predict will want to talk about. But that doesn't make it boring. That gives me an excellent chance to fine-tune my understanding of her mind and emotions. The gap between what I expect she has been thinking about and what she was actually thinking about is an excellent education. And she does the same with me. Recall the baseline assertion: my relationship with my wife is the most important thing in my life. I listen to people talk for hours at work, which is pretty important. Listening to my wife for 30 minutes is a no brainer for me.

Tenhundfeld 11y ago

Honest question: Do you have children? I'm asking, because my wife and I had a similar routine earlier in our marriage – though perhaps less structured than yours. After we had a child, it's been harder to make time for that. If anything, it's more important to have a routine like this after becoming parents – but takes even more commitment to the idea. A friend of mine proposed a tongue-in-cheek test for parents to assess the health of their relationship. Have you and your spouse had a conversation in the last week about something other than the family (kids, elderly parents, etc.) or work? He meant it mostly as a joke, but there are definitely weeks where I look back and struggle to remember a real adult conversation with my wife about anything non-family, non-work, and lately non-politics. Anyway, I completely agree with you. Relationships require work, deliberate reflection, etc. You and your spouse will be different people when you're 35 than you were when you met at 25 (or whatever ages apply to you). You will grow and change. You can either grow apart or grow together.

Diederich 11y ago
We have a 13 year old who is on the autistic spectrum. We were told early on that he would never speak. Now he's quoting Lord Of The Rings (from the books) What I am suggesting takes an iron will, but that falls out of a simple idea. The most important thing in my life in my relationship with my wife. I think about that every single day. The required willpower comes directly from that basic, foundational statement. And our son is better for it, even though we have taken time away from him, every day.