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Help me understand how it's not appropriate to directly tell someone who is making it obvious that they are attracted to you that you aren't interested. If you

by zupreme 11y ago

Help me understand how it's not appropriate to directly tell someone who is making it obvious that they are attracted to you that you aren't interested. If you make it known that you aren't interested and the person continues. Then it becomes harassment. So I refute your position. We all have to set boundaries in our relationships and the author of the article is no exception.

Jean-Philipe 11y ago
As I understand you, she would have to "opt out" of his advances or otherwise she is implicitly saying "yes", is that how you think? As I see it, she should not have to "set boundaries" nor should she even have to deal with such advances in any way. It's a working environment and not a dating club! What he did (ask her to sit on his lap) has no place in a professional setting.
thedz 11y ago
Because the default state isn't "everyone is attracted to me unless they say otherwise." It's a workplace environment, and a manager <-> direct report relation. Not flirting or making inappropriate advances should be a given.
the_af 11y ago
No. There are many cases where your "explicit opt-out" scenario doesn't work: 1- It's not ok for a colleague to assume they can enter your office naked unless you tell them not to. They cannot assume they have your permission to publicly expose their dangly bits near you simply because you didn't tell them they shouldn't. 2- It's not ok for colleagues to take money out of your wallet and use it unless you tell them not to. The default is "no", your wallet is off-limits, and such an action can and will be considered theft. 3- People who are uncomfortable with sexual intimacy (either because that's their personality, or because they are prior abuse victims, or for whatever reason -- they really shouldn't explain themselves to you) should not have to be exposed to unwanted sexual attention at the office, especially in an asymmetrical situation where the other person holds power over them. The reasonable expectation is that the office is not a place for sexual intimacy by default. Note that the boss here has no way of knowing how the victim will feel about sexual intimacy, which explains why the boss should not attempt it at all in the first place.
- tomp 11y ago
  1 (public nudity) and 2 (stealing) are illegal. Flirting and talking about sex (3) aren't.
  - the_af 11y ago
    That's sort of missing the point. Replace "public nudity" with "licking your ears". So your boss likes licking the ears of subordinates. You're trying to have some meeting with him, behind closed doors, and he walks right next to you and suddenly his tongue is in your ear. "Wait, what's the big deal? Geez! Just tell me if you don't like having your ears licked, there's no need to make a fuss about it. I thought you were a cool guy, but now I see you aren't."

by zupreme 11y ago

Jean-Philipe 11y ago

As I understand you, she would have to "opt out" of his advances or otherwise she is implicitly saying "yes", is that how you think? As I see it, she should not have to "set boundaries" nor should she even have to deal with such advances in any way. It's a working environment and not a dating club! What he did (ask her to sit on his lap) has no place in a professional setting.

thedz 11y ago

Because the default state isn't "everyone is attracted to me unless they say otherwise." It's a workplace environment, and a manager <-> direct report relation. Not flirting or making inappropriate advances should be a given.

the_af 11y ago

No. There are many cases where your "explicit opt-out" scenario doesn't work: 1- It's not ok for a colleague to assume they can enter your office naked unless you tell them not to. They cannot assume they have your permission to publicly expose their dangly bits near you simply because you didn't tell them they shouldn't. 2- It's not ok for colleagues to take money out of your wallet and use it unless you tell them not to. The default is "no", your wallet is off-limits, and such an action can and will be considered theft. 3- People who are uncomfortable with sexual intimacy (either because that's their personality, or because they are prior abuse victims, or for whatever reason -- they really shouldn't explain themselves to you) should not have to be exposed to unwanted sexual attention at the office, especially in an asymmetrical situation where the other person holds power over them. The reasonable expectation is that the office is not a place for sexual intimacy by default. Note that the boss here has no way of knowing how the victim will feel about sexual intimacy, which explains why the boss should not attempt it at all in the first place.

tomp 11y ago
1 (public nudity) and 2 (stealing) are illegal. Flirting and talking about sex (3) aren't.
- the_af 11y ago
  That's sort of missing the point. Replace "public nudity" with "licking your ears". So your boss likes licking the ears of subordinates. You're trying to have some meeting with him, behind closed doors, and he walks right next to you and suddenly his tongue is in your ear. "Wait, what's the big deal? Geez! Just tell me if you don't like having your ears licked, there's no need to make a fuss about it. I thought you were a cool guy, but now I see you aren't."