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I also try to point out to him when other kids are good at something. I tell him, Peter is really good at that. He must have practiced a lot to get tha

by ido 11y ago

I also try to point out to him when other kids are good at something. I tell him, Peter is really good at that. He must have practiced a lot to get that good. I think this can backfire (with them hearing "why are you not as good as Peter?"). Aside from trying to encourage productive mindsets, I think it's also important that they know that they have intrinsic value as people, regardless of what they accomplish.

germinalphrase 11y ago
As someone who works with youth, everything can backfire depending on you kid, circumstance, tone, and so on. This is one of those sometimes inscrutable skills that parents/youth workers develop over time. I wish we had a better way to teach these soft 'people skills' as so many have no idea the effects they can/do have on those around them. Saying the right thing, at the right time, can have an amazing effect on a kid. OTOH, it's so frustrating and sad to see that some insidious/self-destructive idea has been beaten into a kid's head. Hard to break those things, particularly when they become self-reinforcing (e.g. dad calls me an idiot > I do poorly in class > I must be an idiot > I do even worse in class ...)
- cJ0th 11y ago
  > As someone who works with youth, everything can backfire depending on you kid, circumstance, tone, and so on. Amen. Dweck's thesis is alright in that there are worst things you could teach a kid. But the overwhelming support that she receives for her work imho rather stems from what our capitalistic society currently wants to hear then a magnificent scientific breakthrough.
tokenadult 11y ago
You can deal with this (or, at least, this is how I deal with this as a parent) by reminding children that there are only twenty-four hours in a day, and everyone sets aside some goals[1] while pursuing others, so that they have autonomy to decide what their most important goals. What I've learned as a parent after bringing up four children to at least teen age is that I fare better when I remind my children that they don't have to be like someone else, but they will tend to be happier if they work toward better at something tomorrow than their former selves were yesterday. They largely get to decide what to be best at, based on their interests. (Their interests are informed by economic reality of the job market to a much greater degree than mine were at the same age.) In other words, there is no particular reason to fear children thinking "I am not as good as Peter," if indeed they do not choose to be like Peter.

by ido 11y ago

germinalphrase 11y ago

As someone who works with youth, everything can backfire depending on you kid, circumstance, tone, and so on. This is one of those sometimes inscrutable skills that parents/youth workers develop over time. I wish we had a better way to teach these soft 'people skills' as so many have no idea the effects they can/do have on those around them. Saying the right thing, at the right time, can have an amazing effect on a kid. OTOH, it's so frustrating and sad to see that some insidious/self-destructive idea has been beaten into a kid's head. Hard to break those things, particularly when they become self-reinforcing (e.g. dad calls me an idiot > I do poorly in class > I must be an idiot > I do even worse in class ...)

cJ0th 11y ago
> As someone who works with youth, everything can backfire depending on you kid, circumstance, tone, and so on. Amen. Dweck's thesis is alright in that there are worst things you could teach a kid. But the overwhelming support that she receives for her work imho rather stems from what our capitalistic society currently wants to hear then a magnificent scientific breakthrough.

tokenadult 11y ago

You can deal with this (or, at least, this is how I deal with this as a parent) by reminding children that there are only twenty-four hours in a day, and everyone sets aside some goals[1] while pursuing others, so that they have autonomy to decide what their most important goals. What I've learned as a parent after bringing up four children to at least teen age is that I fare better when I remind my children that they don't have to be like someone else, but they will tend to be happier if they work toward better at something tomorrow than their former selves were yesterday. They largely get to decide what to be best at, based on their interests. (Their interests are informed by economic reality of the job market to a much greater degree than mine were at the same age.) In other words, there is no particular reason to fear children thinking "I am not as good as Peter," if indeed they do not choose to be like Peter.