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What triggers a flash of actual nostalgia is a memory of the days when you met someone in the real world, perhaps at an activity that both of you enjoy, perhaps

by jarcane 11y ago

What triggers a flash of actual nostalgia is a memory of the days when you met someone in the real world, perhaps at an activity that both of you enjoy, perhaps someone who wasn’t even supposed to be your type. That person might have caught your fancy, and the first order of business was to figure out whether he or she was, like you, unattached. Honestly people, you can still do this. Nothing's stopping you. You know what my best "dating site" has actually been? Facebook events. Whether it's something public, a meetup, or friends' parties and the like, I meet people who know people and sometimes those people are attractive and then I ask them if they want to go out sometime. I have gotten more dates that way in the last 6 months than I have in the entire history of using online dating websites. The whole experience, even in its' ideal, is so utterly artificial, compared to just meeting someone in person. I am on the verge of just dismissing the concept as a sham. They seem to exist mostly as an outlet for desperate men to harass women in bulk volume. I still glance at Tinder occasionally, and I have an OKC subscription I keep forgetting to cancel, but in the former case it's become little more than a mobile version of "Hot or Not" to play when I am bored (the rare response is almost always spam), and in the latter it's more of a "well, if I hit a lull, maybe ..." sort of a thing. I'd much rather just meet actual humans face to face and give us both a chance to see what we're really like in person. That's where a natural connection is going to come from anyway.

TeMPOraL 11y ago
I don't think on-line dating is a sham. It seems to be a natural answer to the growing problem - meeting people in general, and potential romantic partners in particular, gets an order of magnitude harder when you finish education. For most people, it's suddenly 9-10h/day spent at work (8h + commute), and it's hard to maintain a social life when you're both a) tired every evening, and b) required to be in good shape the next morning. Of course, many deal with it perfectly fine. Many deal only sort-of, which is why workplace romance is so common even though employers try to fight it as much as possible. But then there's a large group that simply can't find the right opportunities. On-line dating is great for those. And it works at least sometimes - I personally know of people who met and got married through one site. That said, I'm totally not surprised by your observation about Facebook events. It's more natural to meet people like that, without prior obligations. People tend to be more open, and conversations more genuine. Especially if this is a topical event, you automatically have people pre-selected for interest compatibility. Just like money can be detrimental to the projects of passion, on-line dating seems like "trying too hard", compared to casual meetup. I tried using a dating service once, and such dates actually felt to me more like a business transaction than a meeting of strangers. But then again, I'm shy, I prefer going the roundabout way :). And to add N=1 story, my success in finding a potential future friend or romantic partner tends to be inversely proportional to how much I try, and a direct function of number of events and public appearances I make. I'm thankful for services like Facebook and Meetup, which let you know about interesting events in the area without having you spend a ton of time on finding them.
- jarcane 11y ago
  That said, I'm totally not surprised by your observation about Facebook events. It's more natural to meet people like that, without prior obligations. People tend to be more open, and conversations more genuine. Especially if this is a topical event, you automatically have people pre-selected for interest compatibility. Just like money can be detrimental to the projects of passion, on-line dating seems like "trying too hard", compared to casual meetup. I tried using a dating service once, and such dates actually felt to me more like a business transaction than a meeting of strangers. But then again, I'm shy, I prefer going the roundabout way :). Honestly, I'm starting to think this is just true of dating in general. "First dates" are awkward. The original article is not wrong about blind dates. It's hard to really get comfortable with someone when you're just thrust into this 1-on-1 scenario with nothing to go on and all manner of confusing social expectations. Really, I think it's just important to keep your options open, meet plenty of people in social situations when you can, and learn to find that balance when you do meet someone who strikes you of seeing where it can lead in a natural way. Because for me, at least, all I really am looking for is someone compatible and fun to spend time with, and that part's a lot easier to establish and find out before you start putting labels on things and everyone gets spooked.
noam87 11y ago
Met my current very lovely girlfriend online (and many other perfectly lovely people, some of whom are still friends). I think the number 1 mistake people make online, which leads to disillusion, is thinking that online dating is a replacement for meeting. I hear all the time complaints of not being atracted to any of their matches, or that they seem boring, etc. etc. "Well, did you meet?" "No, he's so not my type." How can you possibly know? Instead, understand the purpose of the online phase, and adopt the following strategy: 1. Match with someone who does not seem completely unappealing (some people look a lot worse online than in person... and vice versa. To a striking degree! -- Being charming in a chat room and sexy in a picture does not always carry to the real world). 2. Make sure they are not a completely insane person. 3. Skip the Q&A. Ask to meet up for a quick lunch. Your goal is to meet as many people as possible. Forget it's even a date. Seriously, every day go have lunch with someone new. Worst case scenario, you had a boring meal. Best case scenario, you had 30-60 minutes to talk one-on-one with someone interesting: now ask them out for a proper date! To me this is far superior to trying to subtly-or-not-so-subtly hit on people at random events, or, God forbid: a bar.
- throwawaydate 11y ago
  I also skipped Q&A and awkward cold introductions when using dating sites. I just straight asked them out and usually got a yes. I don't even read profiles they're usually all BS anyway, you meet the girl and she admits everything in it was a facade for work/school peers or judgemental family who found her account what she was really into you discover in private.
- jarcane 11y ago
  Maybe it's just because I was raised in the "don't use your real name on the internet" era, but I still am not quite comfortable asking a perfect stranger to meet just right off the bat like that.

by jarcane 11y ago

TeMPOraL 11y ago

I don't think on-line dating is a sham. It seems to be a natural answer to the growing problem - meeting people in general, and potential romantic partners in particular, gets an order of magnitude harder when you finish education. For most people, it's suddenly 9-10h/day spent at work (8h + commute), and it's hard to maintain a social life when you're both a) tired every evening, and b) required to be in good shape the next morning. Of course, many deal with it perfectly fine. Many deal only sort-of, which is why workplace romance is so common even though employers try to fight it as much as possible. But then there's a large group that simply can't find the right opportunities. On-line dating is great for those. And it works at least sometimes - I personally know of people who met and got married through one site. That said, I'm totally not surprised by your observation about Facebook events. It's more natural to meet people like that, without prior obligations. People tend to be more open, and conversations more genuine. Especially if this is a topical event, you automatically have people pre-selected for interest compatibility. Just like money can be detrimental to the projects of passion, on-line dating seems like "trying too hard", compared to casual meetup. I tried using a dating service once, and such dates actually felt to me more like a business transaction than a meeting of strangers. But then again, I'm shy, I prefer going the roundabout way :). And to add N=1 story, my success in finding a potential future friend or romantic partner tends to be inversely proportional to how much I try, and a direct function of number of events and public appearances I make. I'm thankful for services like Facebook and Meetup, which let you know about interesting events in the area without having you spend a ton of time on finding them.

jarcane 11y ago
That said, I'm totally not surprised by your observation about Facebook events. It's more natural to meet people like that, without prior obligations. People tend to be more open, and conversations more genuine. Especially if this is a topical event, you automatically have people pre-selected for interest compatibility. Just like money can be detrimental to the projects of passion, on-line dating seems like "trying too hard", compared to casual meetup. I tried using a dating service once, and such dates actually felt to me more like a business transaction than a meeting of strangers. But then again, I'm shy, I prefer going the roundabout way :). Honestly, I'm starting to think this is just true of dating in general. "First dates" are awkward. The original article is not wrong about blind dates. It's hard to really get comfortable with someone when you're just thrust into this 1-on-1 scenario with nothing to go on and all manner of confusing social expectations. Really, I think it's just important to keep your options open, meet plenty of people in social situations when you can, and learn to find that balance when you do meet someone who strikes you of seeing where it can lead in a natural way. Because for me, at least, all I really am looking for is someone compatible and fun to spend time with, and that part's a lot easier to establish and find out before you start putting labels on things and everyone gets spooked.

noam87 11y ago

Met my current very lovely girlfriend online (and many other perfectly lovely people, some of whom are still friends). I think the number 1 mistake people make online, which leads to disillusion, is thinking that online dating is a replacement for meeting. I hear all the time complaints of not being atracted to any of their matches, or that they seem boring, etc. etc. "Well, did you meet?" "No, he's so not my type." How can you possibly know? Instead, understand the purpose of the online phase, and adopt the following strategy: 1. Match with someone who does not seem completely unappealing (some people look a lot worse online than in person... and vice versa. To a striking degree! -- Being charming in a chat room and sexy in a picture does not always carry to the real world). 2. Make sure they are not a completely insane person. 3. Skip the Q&A. Ask to meet up for a quick lunch. Your goal is to meet as many people as possible. Forget it's even a date. Seriously, every day go have lunch with someone new. Worst case scenario, you had a boring meal. Best case scenario, you had 30-60 minutes to talk one-on-one with someone interesting: now ask them out for a proper date! To me this is far superior to trying to subtly-or-not-so-subtly hit on people at random events, or, God forbid: a bar.

throwawaydate 11y ago
I also skipped Q&A and awkward cold introductions when using dating sites. I just straight asked them out and usually got a yes. I don't even read profiles they're usually all BS anyway, you meet the girl and she admits everything in it was a facade for work/school peers or judgemental family who found her account what she was really into you discover in private.
jarcane 11y ago
Maybe it's just because I was raised in the "don't use your real name on the internet" era, but I still am not quite comfortable asking a perfect stranger to meet just right off the bat like that.