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I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment you firs

I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment you first realize that when it comes down to it, you are the only person who is responsible for you. That eventually, the charity of others will run out and all that will be left is your own reflection staring back at you, at which point you will need to decide whether or not to improve your life or check out early. Some people reach this point early on in their lives, and others very late. Some people only reach it after undergoing a difficult period and still others reach it with very little drama or pain. I didn't personally come to this realization until I hit my "rock bottom". People never stop feeling sorry for you, but eventually, everyone stops trying to help. When it clicked, though, it changed my life. I've never been the same since, and I believe that's because I made the transition from being a child to becoming an adult.

MarkPNeyer 11y ago
wow, i could have written this exact comment, word for word. same thing happened here.
_nato_ 11y ago
I like this~ -- almost like an 'object permanence' for responsibility.
- throwupper247 11y ago
  Responsability literally means response-ability. It's different to what I'd call self-consciousness, or what another commenter named independence.
SilasX 11y ago
You're not an adult until you reach some point where friends/family stop trying to help you?
- Tushon 11y ago
  OP didn't say that it actually had to happen, just that you had to realize it was possible. Many people will not have to experience something drastic like OP seems to have in order to realize it, but some people don't until that point.
- Balgair 11y ago
  It's not that they don't want to, it's that they can't. They may be 3000 miles away, or they may have just got a cancer diagnosis, or their knowhow of math may not be up to snuff for your problems, or they don't approve of your habits and are doing it for your own good. But yeah, you hit a wall where the only person that can help you is in the mirror. That choice, to live your life, that's a big turning point.
- afarrell 11y ago
  There is a big difference between helping someone and taking responsibility for something. If walk over to help my neighbor take his lawn, he is still in charge of the lawn.
rprospero 11y ago
I'd say that the realization that you are the only person who is responsible for you is only half-way there. I'd say that full adulthood realization is that you are the only person responsible for you, but you are still responsible for other people. The reason I say that is I've know individuals who have taken the first mantra to mean that they hold no responsibilities to other people. That it is, in a reductio ad absurdum, that a driver has no responsibility to stay off the sidewalk and that the onus should lie entirely on the pedestrians to dodge her vehicle.
- intopieces 11y ago
  > but you are still responsible for other people. I couldn't disagree with this any more. I've spent years and years of my life trying to be responsible for other people, trying to make their lives the way I thought they 'should' be -- helping people find jobs, encouraging them to do x/y/z. I'd come into people's lives and it'd be like I walked into an old house: "Let's just fix this here, and that there, and pretty soon you'll be so much better than you were before." What an utter waste of time for both parties. Turns out I don't know anything about what's best for other people, and hardly what's best for myself. My life has been much less stressful since accepting that. I'll gladly lend a hand to a friend who asks for it -- but the 'responsible for other people' phase of my life is over.
  - gglitch 11y ago
    This seems like an extreme interpretation of "responsibility for other people." There are people in my care whom I'm completely aware I cannot mold into shapes of my choice, but for whom I accept the responsibility of keeping them off the street--and therefore, primarily, of keeping myself in adequate condition to keep them off the street. And I agree with GP; that to me feels like a key element of my adulthood. [Edited for grammar]
  - deleted 11y ago
    [deleted]
  - Retric 11y ago
    My father used to say your not an adult until your third child. I think his point was it's not about being independent so much as juggling responsibly when you can't make everyone happy.
johnchristopher 11y ago
What about people suffering from any mental illness that would seriously hamper their ability to take responsibilities or reach financial independence ? I am thinking of non episodic depression, phobias preventing doing anything that is performance related, etc. There comes a time when they are alone in front of the mirror and yet will be unable to act upon it because of circumstances outside their immediate control. Maybe it's a bit far fetched and is an edge case though.
- x3n0ph3n3 11y ago
  Maybe we shouldn't consider such people adults, then. Often times developmentally disabled children reach "adulthood" but are still considered incompetent and require guardianship.
  - TeMPOraL 11y ago
    Yay, thanks :). I'll be recruiting competent guardians for myself then. CVs welcome. Mail is in the profile. ;). Seriously though. Often the part of living with depression is keeping up appearances, so that you don't get labeled by friends and relatives as a childish adult. For some reason, many people tend to switch to a condescending attitude then, and this is very much not helping the depressed person.
    - x3n0ph3n3 11y ago
      Children growing up also don't like people condescending and treating them as the children they are. If a child puts on the appearance of being an adult, should we treat them as such and give them the rights and responsibilities of being an adult?
      - thatcat 11y ago
        treating a child like an adult can lead to them acting like an adult and accepting responsibilities they otherwise would not, where as condescension re-enforces their role as a child
pc86 11y ago
I'm 29 and apparently have been an adult for about 3 years. Sounds about right.
beccasanchez 11y ago
So stay at home house wives can never be adults?
- gglitch 11y ago
  Not the GP, but I imagine the more charitable interpretation is that s/he is referring to a level of psychological/emotional development, not to a specific fiscal arrangement. One can be an adult and as an adult arrange one's affairs in a way that increases one's dependence on someone else, but if one makes that decision from a studied, mature evaluation of the circumstances, knowing and accepting the risks thereof, it's not the same thing as making it as a child, or making it unknowingly. [Edited for grammar]
  - jdavis703 11y ago
    In a sense this is the same dependency you have on a corporation and to some extent it's industry.
- goodJobWalrus 11y ago
  As a woman, I think so. At the minimum, you need to make your own money to be independent, and independence is necessary to be an adult. I can't imagine feeling grown up, and at the same time asking my husband for some money each time I need to buy something. (Financial) dependance infantilizes a person. There is a reason why unemployment is depressing even if you have a roof over your head and food to eat.
  - beccasanchez 11y ago
    So quadriplegics and other people with insoluble medical issues that make their lives dependent on others can never grow up?
    - goodJobWalrus 11y ago
      I truly don't know, I've never met a person who is dependent on others due to medical issues, so I wasn't referring to them.
beccasanchez 11y ago
tl;dr paraplegics and others who can't survive without the care of others are eternal children
Steko 11y ago
> universal for all people I don't think this definition fits extended family cultures like you'd see in other parts of the world very well.
theoh 11y ago
This is a very loaded perspective. Have you considered the possibility that it might be wrong, if not for you, for some people?
- jomtung 11y ago
  Then by his definition they would be considered 'childish' people.
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
samstave 11y ago
What about when you are solely responsible for another person -- aka an infant?
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
notdonspaulding 11y ago
I like this definition. Anecdote time. My great-grandfather left his home at the age of 12 to work in a coal mine and send money home to his mother. I'd say he was as much an adult as any college grad today. My wife's grandpa managed a dairy farm. He got sick once when my wife's dad was 10 years old. Her dad milked the cows so her grandpa could rest and get over his illness. He hasn't stopped milking cows twice a day for 50 years. I'd say he was an adult at 10. My dad was taught to work like a man from an early age, but was also taught to drink to excess. I remember when he got his last DUI. I was about 11 years old. I'd say that was when he finished growing up. The dividing line between childhood and adulthood for me is a total blur between the ages of 18 and 28.
Syrup-tan 11y ago
I can't help but feel that I'm doing this right now. Hmmm, I wonder if it's possible to come to this realization just by thinking about it, and not having to hit rock bottom. HMMM
enobrev 11y ago
I think you have a great defining moment here, but there is one other that is just as foundational in regards to solidifying ground upon which one can grow away from childhood - that in almost all cases, we're all lost and doing some rendition of our best. As a child we generally assume everyone "above" us knows what they're talking about. Authority derives from behind the curtain that is defined by a hope that whomever is leading us knows what the hell they're doing. And suddenly, when we realize that they don't - that we're all lost - we can start forming our own vision of the world as we would prefer to see it. That, along with ownership of the personal responsibility you mentioned, defines the difference between childhood and coming into ones own. I think the two are complimentary and I don't believe either revelation exists without the other.
- spydum 11y ago
  while I agree that stage (and I feel I've only recently obtained it) is a milestone, I'm not sure it is the delineation of adulthood. I don't know what you call it, but it absolutely is significant. I think I liked things before I crossed that bridge.
  - enobrev 11y ago
    It's hard to say. I know both were very important to me, but both also became apparent to me very young. That was still my favorite as it allowed me to stand beside my elders rather than below them. I could finally fit within their shoes and try to understand why they did or said what they had. No doubt, it's different for us all. I've had gobs of insight at a young age for better or worse, but the moment at which I personally started truly feeling like an adult was when my net worth inched past zero and stayed there for longer than six months. This wasn't due to making more money, but rather overall managing life better. As superficial as that may be - it was clear to me, at that point, that I was actually paying attention to the easy, banal maintenance work most of us know has to be done to ensure a stable life, and eventually, family. And I think that was my motivation - a hope for my own family.
wyager 11y ago
There is a substantial voting bloc who would rather this not be the case. Why have self-responsibility when the government can do it for us?
holografix 11y ago
I definitely relate to this. Thought not needing to hit "rock bottom" sometime after I graduated I understood that my parents economic situation was very fragile, that I was setting myself up for a life of mediocrity and that I couldn't depend on them much longer. I immigrated at the age of 19 and have lived on my own since then
branchless 11y ago
For me it was when I had to put the presents in my first child's stocking. Not only was I responsible for him, I had also to supply the magic and there was nobody doing this for me. That's when the buck really stops, forget the bills and all the rest.
- jubjubbird 11y ago
  Same here. I remember very distinctly the first Christmas spent with my own child and feeling like an adult, compared to spending Christmas with my parents.
nommm-nommm 11y ago
By your definition my grandmother stayed a child until she died at 84. I guess that's accurate enough but... meh... almost nobody who is in their 80s who had 10 kids wouldn't be considered an adult. She did absolutely nothing for herself at all. Ever. For her entire life.
- mercer 11y ago
  Hmm... I've known a few people who are as you describe, and in conversations about these people they'd often be described as 'basically still a child'. So I think in this case the definition stands.
joatmon-snoo 11y ago
As a current uni student, this was an absolutely terrifying realization. Still don't think the reality of it has hit me yet.
BurningFrog 11y ago
You only truly become an adult when you stop doing the online forums.

MarkPNeyer 11y ago

wow, i could have written this exact comment, word for word. same thing happened here.

_nato_ 11y ago

I like this~ -- almost like an 'object permanence' for responsibility.

throwupper247 11y ago
Responsability literally means response-ability. It's different to what I'd call self-consciousness, or what another commenter named independence.

SilasX 11y ago

You're not an adult until you reach some point where friends/family stop trying to help you?

Tushon 11y ago
OP didn't say that it actually had to happen, just that you had to realize it was possible. Many people will not have to experience something drastic like OP seems to have in order to realize it, but some people don't until that point.
Balgair 11y ago
It's not that they don't want to, it's that they can't. They may be 3000 miles away, or they may have just got a cancer diagnosis, or their knowhow of math may not be up to snuff for your problems, or they don't approve of your habits and are doing it for your own good. But yeah, you hit a wall where the only person that can help you is in the mirror. That choice, to live your life, that's a big turning point.
afarrell 11y ago
There is a big difference between helping someone and taking responsibility for something. If walk over to help my neighbor take his lawn, he is still in charge of the lawn.

rprospero 11y ago

I'd say that the realization that you are the only person who is responsible for you is only half-way there. I'd say that full adulthood realization is that you are the only person responsible for you, but you are still responsible for other people. The reason I say that is I've know individuals who have taken the first mantra to mean that they hold no responsibilities to other people. That it is, in a reductio ad absurdum, that a driver has no responsibility to stay off the sidewalk and that the onus should lie entirely on the pedestrians to dodge her vehicle.

intopieces 11y ago
> but you are still responsible for other people. I couldn't disagree with this any more. I've spent years and years of my life trying to be responsible for other people, trying to make their lives the way I thought they 'should' be -- helping people find jobs, encouraging them to do x/y/z. I'd come into people's lives and it'd be like I walked into an old house: "Let's just fix this here, and that there, and pretty soon you'll be so much better than you were before." What an utter waste of time for both parties. Turns out I don't know anything about what's best for other people, and hardly what's best for myself. My life has been much less stressful since accepting that. I'll gladly lend a hand to a friend who asks for it -- but the 'responsible for other people' phase of my life is over.
- gglitch 11y ago
  This seems like an extreme interpretation of "responsibility for other people." There are people in my care whom I'm completely aware I cannot mold into shapes of my choice, but for whom I accept the responsibility of keeping them off the street--and therefore, primarily, of keeping myself in adequate condition to keep them off the street. And I agree with GP; that to me feels like a key element of my adulthood. [Edited for grammar]
- deleted 11y ago
  [deleted]
- Retric 11y ago
  My father used to say your not an adult until your third child. I think his point was it's not about being independent so much as juggling responsibly when you can't make everyone happy.

johnchristopher 11y ago

What about people suffering from any mental illness that would seriously hamper their ability to take responsibilities or reach financial independence ? I am thinking of non episodic depression, phobias preventing doing anything that is performance related, etc. There comes a time when they are alone in front of the mirror and yet will be unable to act upon it because of circumstances outside their immediate control. Maybe it's a bit far fetched and is an edge case though.

x3n0ph3n3 11y ago
Maybe we shouldn't consider such people adults, then. Often times developmentally disabled children reach "adulthood" but are still considered incompetent and require guardianship.
- TeMPOraL 11y ago
  Yay, thanks :). I'll be recruiting competent guardians for myself then. CVs welcome. Mail is in the profile. ;). Seriously though. Often the part of living with depression is keeping up appearances, so that you don't get labeled by friends and relatives as a childish adult. For some reason, many people tend to switch to a condescending attitude then, and this is very much not helping the depressed person.
  - x3n0ph3n3 11y ago
    Children growing up also don't like people condescending and treating them as the children they are. If a child puts on the appearance of being an adult, should we treat them as such and give them the rights and responsibilities of being an adult?
    - thatcat 11y ago
      treating a child like an adult can lead to them acting like an adult and accepting responsibilities they otherwise would not, where as condescension re-enforces their role as a child

pc86 11y ago

I'm 29 and apparently have been an adult for about 3 years. Sounds about right.

beccasanchez 11y ago

So stay at home house wives can never be adults?

gglitch 11y ago
Not the GP, but I imagine the more charitable interpretation is that s/he is referring to a level of psychological/emotional development, not to a specific fiscal arrangement. One can be an adult and as an adult arrange one's affairs in a way that increases one's dependence on someone else, but if one makes that decision from a studied, mature evaluation of the circumstances, knowing and accepting the risks thereof, it's not the same thing as making it as a child, or making it unknowingly. [Edited for grammar]
- jdavis703 11y ago
  In a sense this is the same dependency you have on a corporation and to some extent it's industry.
goodJobWalrus 11y ago
As a woman, I think so. At the minimum, you need to make your own money to be independent, and independence is necessary to be an adult. I can't imagine feeling grown up, and at the same time asking my husband for some money each time I need to buy something. (Financial) dependance infantilizes a person. There is a reason why unemployment is depressing even if you have a roof over your head and food to eat.
- beccasanchez 11y ago
  So quadriplegics and other people with insoluble medical issues that make their lives dependent on others can never grow up?
  - goodJobWalrus 11y ago
    I truly don't know, I've never met a person who is dependent on others due to medical issues, so I wasn't referring to them.

beccasanchez 11y ago

tl;dr paraplegics and others who can't survive without the care of others are eternal children

Steko 11y ago

> universal for all people I don't think this definition fits extended family cultures like you'd see in other parts of the world very well.

theoh 11y ago

This is a very loaded perspective. Have you considered the possibility that it might be wrong, if not for you, for some people?

jomtung 11y ago
Then by his definition they would be considered 'childish' people.

deleted 11y ago

[deleted]

samstave 11y ago

What about when you are solely responsible for another person -- aka an infant?

deleted 11y ago

[deleted]

notdonspaulding 11y ago

I like this definition. Anecdote time. My great-grandfather left his home at the age of 12 to work in a coal mine and send money home to his mother. I'd say he was as much an adult as any college grad today. My wife's grandpa managed a dairy farm. He got sick once when my wife's dad was 10 years old. Her dad milked the cows so her grandpa could rest and get over his illness. He hasn't stopped milking cows twice a day for 50 years. I'd say he was an adult at 10. My dad was taught to work like a man from an early age, but was also taught to drink to excess. I remember when he got his last DUI. I was about 11 years old. I'd say that was when he finished growing up. The dividing line between childhood and adulthood for me is a total blur between the ages of 18 and 28.

Syrup-tan 11y ago

I can't help but feel that I'm doing this right now. Hmmm, I wonder if it's possible to come to this realization just by thinking about it, and not having to hit rock bottom. HMMM

enobrev 11y ago

I think you have a great defining moment here, but there is one other that is just as foundational in regards to solidifying ground upon which one can grow away from childhood - that in almost all cases, we're all lost and doing some rendition of our best. As a child we generally assume everyone "above" us knows what they're talking about. Authority derives from behind the curtain that is defined by a hope that whomever is leading us knows what the hell they're doing. And suddenly, when we realize that they don't - that we're all lost - we can start forming our own vision of the world as we would prefer to see it. That, along with ownership of the personal responsibility you mentioned, defines the difference between childhood and coming into ones own. I think the two are complimentary and I don't believe either revelation exists without the other.

spydum 11y ago
while I agree that stage (and I feel I've only recently obtained it) is a milestone, I'm not sure it is the delineation of adulthood. I don't know what you call it, but it absolutely is significant. I think I liked things before I crossed that bridge.
- enobrev 11y ago
  It's hard to say. I know both were very important to me, but both also became apparent to me very young. That was still my favorite as it allowed me to stand beside my elders rather than below them. I could finally fit within their shoes and try to understand why they did or said what they had. No doubt, it's different for us all. I've had gobs of insight at a young age for better or worse, but the moment at which I personally started truly feeling like an adult was when my net worth inched past zero and stayed there for longer than six months. This wasn't due to making more money, but rather overall managing life better. As superficial as that may be - it was clear to me, at that point, that I was actually paying attention to the easy, banal maintenance work most of us know has to be done to ensure a stable life, and eventually, family. And I think that was my motivation - a hope for my own family.

wyager 11y ago

There is a substantial voting bloc who would rather this not be the case. Why have self-responsibility when the government can do it for us?

holografix 11y ago

I definitely relate to this. Thought not needing to hit "rock bottom" sometime after I graduated I understood that my parents economic situation was very fragile, that I was setting myself up for a life of mediocrity and that I couldn't depend on them much longer. I immigrated at the age of 19 and have lived on my own since then

branchless 11y ago

For me it was when I had to put the presents in my first child's stocking. Not only was I responsible for him, I had also to supply the magic and there was nobody doing this for me. That's when the buck really stops, forget the bills and all the rest.

jubjubbird 11y ago
Same here. I remember very distinctly the first Christmas spent with my own child and feeling like an adult, compared to spending Christmas with my parents.

nommm-nommm 11y ago

By your definition my grandmother stayed a child until she died at 84. I guess that's accurate enough but... meh... almost nobody who is in their 80s who had 10 kids wouldn't be considered an adult. She did absolutely nothing for herself at all. Ever. For her entire life.

mercer 11y ago
Hmm... I've known a few people who are as you describe, and in conversations about these people they'd often be described as 'basically still a child'. So I think in this case the definition stands.

joatmon-snoo 11y ago

As a current uni student, this was an absolutely terrifying realization. Still don't think the reality of it has hit me yet.

BurningFrog 11y ago

You only truly become an adult when you stop doing the online forums.