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When I see comments like this I feel like I'm living in an entirely different world from some people. I'm a twenty-something woman in tech, working in Silicon

When I see comments like this I feel like I'm living in an entirely different world from some people. I'm a twenty-something woman in tech, working in Silicon Valley. Most of my coworkers are in relationships or married. I have friends making $50k or 80k who are in relationships. I've never (knowingly) met a guy in my age range who's a multi-millionaire. And income's definitely not on the top of my interest list. So I can only conclude that not only do you and I exist in different social circles, but that your workplace must be significantly different from mine in order for us to reach such different conclusions.

Kalium 11y ago
Visit the Balboa Cafe sometime. Listen to guys brag about expensive cars and boats and so on that they actually don't have. It's very common for guys to feel judged on very shallow grounds. Nevermind the "eww, a techie" reaction.
nostrademons 11y ago
Probably different values too. My wife grew up in Silicon Valley but never worked in tech. On our first date, I casually mentioned that I worked on a couple of the Google Doodles. She was like "What are those?" On a later date, I mentioned that I'd found myself standing in front of Larry Page in the lunch line, and she was like "Who's Larry Page?" Sigh. When casual name-dropping doesn't work, we're forced to rely on our personalities. The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking that dating worked liked the grandparent post thinks it works only a few short years ago. Boy did I have a lot to learn. Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.
- aianus 11y ago
  > Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. In most of the world (including in the US) a large proportion of 23-year-old men don't have basic financial security. So having basic financial security would be a key differentiator. In SV, it's not. > They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle. Absolutely. But there's nothing about being rich that means you have bad feelings, negative viewpoints, or lack of hobbies, values and empathy. If anything, the richer you are the more interesting and diverse your stories and experiences will be and the more developed your hobbies and viewpoints. It's also more difficult to be confident when you're surrounded by people richer and more successful than you day-in and day-out.
  - nostrademons 11y ago
    Nothing wrong with being rich. I'm referring to what you focus on, though. If you focus on being rich and are not, then by your own value system, you're a failure. If you focus on being kind - or well-rounded, or athletic, or outdoorsy, or eco-friendly - and are not rich, then who cares? By the standards that you've chosen to live your life, you're a success. I think you might find that people have a surprising variation in values if you don't judge them - or yourself - by the same yardstick. Dating is all about finding the person whose values align with yours, not who is most successful on some arbitrary metric. Think in terms of direction, not magnitude.
aianus 11y ago
A lot of young men coming to work in SV for $150k got there because they neglected other parts of their life in favor of gaining technical skills. I know I spent pretty much my entire adolescence parked in front of a computer screen. Same in university where the gender ratio was 8:1 and the workload was several times that of Arts students. In other parts of the world, you eventually get a return on that investment by standing out from the other 23-year-old men who might be more attractive or confident but are less skilled/intelligent, work menial low-paying jobs, and have no future. In SV, there are so many 23-year-old guys all around you who are more successful in their studies and careers than you are that you now have to find additional time on top of your 60h work weeks to differentiate yourself in some other way. It's not impossible, of course, but it's very much playing the game on 'hard mode' compared to other cities I've lived and dated in.

Kalium 11y ago

Visit the Balboa Cafe sometime. Listen to guys brag about expensive cars and boats and so on that they actually don't have. It's very common for guys to feel judged on very shallow grounds. Nevermind the "eww, a techie" reaction.

nostrademons 11y ago

Probably different values too. My wife grew up in Silicon Valley but never worked in tech. On our first date, I casually mentioned that I worked on a couple of the Google Doodles. She was like "What are those?" On a later date, I mentioned that I'd found myself standing in front of Larry Page in the lunch line, and she was like "Who's Larry Page?" Sigh. When casual name-dropping doesn't work, we're forced to rely on our personalities. The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking that dating worked liked the grandparent post thinks it works only a few short years ago. Boy did I have a lot to learn. Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.

aianus 11y ago
> Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. In most of the world (including in the US) a large proportion of 23-year-old men don't have basic financial security. So having basic financial security would be a key differentiator. In SV, it's not. > They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle. Absolutely. But there's nothing about being rich that means you have bad feelings, negative viewpoints, or lack of hobbies, values and empathy. If anything, the richer you are the more interesting and diverse your stories and experiences will be and the more developed your hobbies and viewpoints. It's also more difficult to be confident when you're surrounded by people richer and more successful than you day-in and day-out.
- nostrademons 11y ago
  Nothing wrong with being rich. I'm referring to what you focus on, though. If you focus on being rich and are not, then by your own value system, you're a failure. If you focus on being kind - or well-rounded, or athletic, or outdoorsy, or eco-friendly - and are not rich, then who cares? By the standards that you've chosen to live your life, you're a success. I think you might find that people have a surprising variation in values if you don't judge them - or yourself - by the same yardstick. Dating is all about finding the person whose values align with yours, not who is most successful on some arbitrary metric. Think in terms of direction, not magnitude.

aianus 11y ago

A lot of young men coming to work in SV for $150k got there because they neglected other parts of their life in favor of gaining technical skills. I know I spent pretty much my entire adolescence parked in front of a computer screen. Same in university where the gender ratio was 8:1 and the workload was several times that of Arts students. In other parts of the world, you eventually get a return on that investment by standing out from the other 23-year-old men who might be more attractive or confident but are less skilled/intelligent, work menial low-paying jobs, and have no future. In SV, there are so many 23-year-old guys all around you who are more successful in their studies and careers than you are that you now have to find additional time on top of your 60h work weeks to differentiate yourself in some other way. It's not impossible, of course, but it's very much playing the game on 'hard mode' compared to other cities I've lived and dated in.